


Step Into the Sun

by MysteriousMidnight



Series: A Little Uphill Climb [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Cutting, Depression, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, I'm just gonna apologize now for all the angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jared Kleinman Is a Good Friend, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Being an Asshole, Larry Murphy Tries (Dear Evan Hansen), M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Panic Attacks, References to Drugs, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Treebros, Yes Larry Murphy is both an asshole and also tries, dear evan hansen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 47,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23621764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysteriousMidnight/pseuds/MysteriousMidnight
Summary: It’s been 8 weeks. Connor is home, adjusting to new rules and situations. At least he has Evan by his side. But will he be able to accept his new normal, or will he fall? This story has TreeBros, Fluff, Angst, Heidi being the best mom ever, and Larry Redemption but also some Larry being an asshole because people learn, grow, make mistakes and grow some more (which is also a major theme of this fic). I'm terrible at summaries, please read and enjoy - I love reading your comments :)
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: A Little Uphill Climb [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1700338
Comments: 56
Kudos: 79





	1. Step Into the Sun Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiii, I'm back, as promised, with the sequel to These Broken Parts! Just gonna apologize again for all the angst... Promise there's also fluff. But omg, so much angst! Also, you might have to do a little "suspension of disbelief" for a few things, like the timeline (I tried to fix it but it gets a little blurry at some points) and some of the out-patient/inpatient/therapy/medicine stuff. Some of it was just me not knowing how that all worked, and some of it was just me doing what worked for the storyline. I'm terrible at summaries so the summary for this sucks, so please read and enjoy - I love reading your comments :) Also, yes, there's a part 3 already in the works!

Connor emerged into the sunlight, looking around anxiously. He had secretly been hoping Evan would be waiting for him outside, and felt his heart aching when he wasn’t. Evan had promised to wait for him, but Connor wouldn’t blame him if he hadn’t. He deserved whatever came out of this whole thing.

He tried to shake the thought away, tried to use the coping mechanisms he had been taught in treatment. His therapist said he would still have good days and bad days, still have this internal struggle. It was just one day at a time. He couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

It didn’t help that he felt naked – vulnerable - without his black nail polish, bracelets, and rings. But he hadn’t been allowed any of that while in treatment. 

All he could think about was Evan, his own shower, and his own bed – in that order.

He walked silently beside Larry. Surprisingly, it was a comfortable silence. Part of his program had included some family therapy, and they were in a better place than they had been in years. But Connor was exhausted, and he couldn’t find the energy to make small talk.

Larry threw Connor’s bag into the backseat of the car, and they drove. Connor stared out the window the whole time, while Larry tried to fill the silence with mindless chatter about life in the last few weeks. Connor tried to nod and show interest, but he mostly thought about what would be waiting for him when he got home.

When they pulled into the driveway, his heart started to pound. The house looked... normal. Nothing had changed. Two months had felt so long, had gone by so slow, yet it seemed as if the world was just the same as he’d left it. His chest felt tight, hoping that held true for everything in his life.

Larry grabbed his bag for him, and they approached the front door. He unlocked it, turning to Connor. “Ready?” When Connor nodded, he opened the door and stepped aside, letting Connor in first.

“Welcome home!!!”

Connor froze, eyes wide. Cynthia, Zoe, Evan and Heidi stood before him, all smiling at him. His mom rushed forward and enveloped him in a hug, followed immediately by Zoe. Heidi took a turn next, then everyone stepped back and gave Connor space, as Evan walked slowly up to him.

“Hey,” Evan said tentatively, reaching a hand out. Connor stepped forward, taking Evan’s hand in his. “Hi,” he said back, trembling a little. They stared at each other for a long time, neither wanting to be the first to move or look away. Finally, Evan threw himself into Connor’s arms, holding as tight as he could. Connor tucked his face into Evan’s neck, inhaling his scent. He couldn’t help the tears that fell as Evan rubbed his back and whispered into his ear how much he’d missed him.

Connor’s legs were trembling. He’d been so afraid... Losing Evan would have destroyed him. Eight weeks of in-patient therapy would have been for nothing. He wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he’d ruined the one good thing he had going. 

When Evan started to pull away, Connor panicked, not wanting to let go yet. But the panic quickly passed when Evan leaned back in and kissed him. Connor melted into the kiss, not even caring that both their families were right there, staring at them. 

“Welcome home,” Evan said when they broke the kiss.

Connor couldn’t find the words to tell Evan how much he’d missed him, so he just pulled him in for another hug and refused to let go.

~*~*~

Evan and Connor sat side-by-side on the Murphy’s couch, Evan’s legs draped over Connor’s lap. They wolfed down pizza – Connor’s favorite. Larry, Cynthia and Heidi sat across from them on the other couch and armchair, talking and laughing. Zoe had taken a seat on the floor by Evan and Connor, sitting in happy silence, munching her pizza.

“It’s nice having pizza again,” Connor admitted. “It was all healthy, bland shit in that place.”

Evan rolled his eyes, leaning into Connor. “God forbid you get denied your pizza.”

“Hey, pizza is an essential part of my diet,” Connor protested. “Greasy, cheesy goodness.”

Evan snickered, kissing Connor’s tomato sauce covered lips.

“You guys need to get a room,” Zoe said, shaking her head. But inside, she was buzzing with happiness. Things had been so weird with Connor away. The house had felt empty without him, and Evan had been so sad. She knew they were a long way from normal, but it was nice to have everyone together again.

“Do we need to put a couch cushion between you two?” Heidi asked, laughter in her voice. She hadn’t seen Evan this happy since before Connor’s breakdown.

“You can try,” Evan joked, scooting closer to Connor and resting his head on Connor’s shoulder.

Cynthia and Heidi exchanged happy smiles. Larry shook his head, looking slightly uncomfortable, but there was laughter in his eyes.

After finishing several slices of pizza each, Connor and Evan begged to be allowed up to Connor’s room. The adults all exchanged glances, but reluctantly agreed.

“Door open,” Cynthia called after them as they made their escape.

Connor stopped short when he got to his room, which looked... different. Nothing was exactly where he’d left it. Someone had dusted, vacuumed and made his bed, too.

“Your parents had to, um... They had to go through your room and get all the, you know, pills and pot and sharp things out of here...” Evan said nervously, holding Connor’s hand tightly to anchor him, hoping this wouldn’t set him off again.

Connor sighed, but shrugged. “I guess that’s to be expected, right?” He pulled Evan to his bed and they sat. “I.. owe you an apology. I-“

“No, you don’t. Please,” Evan said, shaking his head. “I told you, it’s fine. We’re fine. You can’t scare me away that easily.”

Connor felt tears fill his eyes, his heart swelling with love for the boy beside him. He leaned in for another kiss, their first private one since coming home. Evan pressed his body against Connor’s, deepening the kiss. Connor slowly pushed him back until he was lying on top of Evan, running his hands all over Evan’s body, under his shirt, through his hair. Evan wrapped his arms around Connor, rubbing his hands down Connor’s back, then lower. Connor groaned, breaking the kiss and pulling Evan up with him. 

“Damn I missed that,” Connor sighed happily, eyes sparkling. Evan smiled, taking Connor’s hand.

That’s when Connor remembered his naked nails and wrists. He glanced down at them. The cuts on his wrists were all in various stages of healing. Angry red scars and fading pink ones mixed with pale scars from long ago. He frowned, turning his arms over to hide them, his chest tight with anxiety.

Evan grabbed Connor’s hands. One at a time, he flipped his arms over, running kisses along his scars. He met Connor’s eyes. There was no judgment in Evan’s eyes, no pity, either. Just love. 

Connor smiled, leaning in to give Evan another kiss. Damn, he’d missed this. When he looked back down at his naked nails, they reminded him that he was desperately craving a hot shower.

“I really can’t wait to take a shower without being stared at by orderlies. And to sleep in my own bed,” he finally said.

“Well...”

Connor glanced up at Evan, frowning.

“You kinda can’t... be alone in the shower, so...” Evan shrugged when Connor scowled at him. “Don’t look at me, it’s part of the program agreement. I guess they’re worried about, you know...”

Connor shoved a hand angrily through his hair. “So my fucking parents have to watch me shower? Great, that won’t be awkward at all...”

“I mean...” Evan said, eyes sparkling innocently.

Connor quirked a brow at him.

“I... MAY... have convinced our moms to let me, um, supervise you for... Certain things...”

Connor’s eyes went wide. “HOW did you manage that...? And also, how the hell did you even have that kind of conversation with them and not die of embarrassment?”

Evan blushed. “Uh... Don’t ask. Your dad doesn’t know, but everyone promised to keep him busy downstairs. We all figured the first thing you’d wanna do after eating real food was clean up.”

“I mean, kiss you, then eat real food, then clean up,” Connor clarified. “But close enough.”

They tiptoed to the bathroom, closing the door gently behind them. Connor turned the water on, making it as hot as he could tolerate. Evan was right behind him when he turned around. His adorably anxious boyfriend didn’t look so anxious right now, as he leaned in for a kiss, his fingers gently nudging Connor’s shirt up and over his head, tossing it to the floor. Evan leaned in for more kisses while his fingers skimmed down Connor’s chest to his waistband. He undid Connor’s pants and Connor stepped out of them, kicking them aside. His boxers went next. Evan went slower with those, dragging his fingers down every part of Connor’s body. Connor groaned, pulling Evan up and kissing him fiercely.

Connor reluctantly stepped into the shower, his eyes begging Evan to join him.

“It’ll look too suspicious if my hair is wet, too,” Evan shrugged, sitting on the closed toilet and staring at Connor, eyes raking up and down his body. “But don’t worry, I’m good,” he said with a grin.

Connor couldn’t help but laugh. “You’ve grown bold in two months.”

Evan shrugged. “I mean, I had a lot of time to miss you and think about... things like this.”

Connor smirked. “Oh, yeah?” He grabbed the soap and made a show of running it along his arms and legs, drawing lazy circles around his stomach. Evan bit his lip, eyes locked on the beautiful boy before him. Connor took his time, drawing every moment out.

All teasing aside, the hot shower felt so, so good. Washing his hair felt good. It was REALLY nice being home. When he was done, he shut the water off and stepped out, but didn’t reach for a towel right away. He just stood there, staring at Evan, running his hands teasingly up and down his naked body. He walked closer to Evan, leaning down and kissing him, before finally grabbing a towel. He brushed his hair and dried off, then nodded for Evan to follow him as they carefully snuck back to his room. Unfortunately, he had to dress quickly, since he couldn’t close his door and didn’t know how much longer they’d have alone. 

Once he was dressed, Evan sat on the floor with him while he applied his black nail polish, bracelets and rings. After the polish had dried, he and Evan curled up together on Connor’s bed.

“That feels so much better, he said with a sigh, rubbing circles into Evan’s back. “I feel like myself again.”

“I’m sure,” Evan agreed, running his fingers through Connor’s wet hair. “Umm.. By the way, I sort of... lied?”

Connor frowned at him. “I haven’t been home long, there isn’t much you could have lied about...”

“Well... No one has to supervise you while you shower... I just wanted to watch,” he admitted with a wicked grin and a blush.

“Ev!” Connor laughed, smacking him lightly on the arm. “All you had to do was ask, instead of freaking me out!”

Evan snickered, shrugging innocently. Connor rolled his eyes.

“It’s good to have you home,” Evan said quietly, closing his eyes and letting the feel of Connor’s body beside him lull him to sleep.

~*~*~

“I don’t have the heart to wake them,” Heidi whispered, as she and Cynthia peaked in on Connor and Evan.

“Neither do I,” Cynthia admitted, a smile still on her face. “If you’re comfortable with it, Evan can stay the night. Connor isn’t allowed to close his door, and we have to check on him often, so it’s not like they’ll get into any trouble.”

Heidi nodded. “Yeah... Let’s let them have tonight. Then we can go back to being strict, responsible parents tomorrow,” she said with a chuckle.

Cynthia laughed, shaking her head, and they both crept back downstairs.


	2. Step Into the Sun Chapter 2

When Connor opened his eyes, sunlight was streaming in through the window. He blinked, trying to sit up, but he found he couldn’t move. When he looked down, he realized Evan was still asleep, half on top of him. 

Then he remembered.

He was home. He was in his own bed. He was with Evan again.

Wait... He was home? And Evan was... He glanced up at his door, just as his mom poked her head in. Connor’s eyes went wide, staring from his mother to Evan and back.

Cynthia waved his concerns away. “Breakfast in ten. See you boys downstairs.”

She walked away, leaving Connor with a baffled look on his face. 

“Ev, I think we stepped into some kind of alternate dimension...” 

Evan yawned, sitting up. “What?”

“My mom just saw us laying here, in my bed... And SMILED. And was like... come eat breakfast. No scolding, no... anything..”

“Huh. Well, I’m not gonna argue if they’re letting us have this time together after two months apart,” Evan said with a shrug, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “But I AM hungry, so...”

They trudged downstairs. Zoe wasn’t there, but Larry and Cynthia were already at the table, eating. Two plates were all set for Connor and Evan, who sat side by side.

“When Evan goes home, we have a lot to discuss,” Larry said after several minutes of quiet. 

Connor slowly lowered his glass of orange juice to the table. “I mean, anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Evan. He’s... I mean.. I HOPE he’s gonna be by my side for this thing...”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Of course I am.” He took Connor’s hand under the table.

Larry nodded. “Okay, fine. This out patient program is six months. It’s a long time, but it’s meant to supplement the fact that you only did two months in-patient. You’re going to have to follow a lot of rules. I-“ Larry sighed. “Look, I know we’ve always been either too strict or not strict enough with you, but I want you to know these rules are from the program directly, and not us trying to control you or punish you.”

Connor grimaced, nodding, gripping Evan’s hand tightly under the table.

“You’re going to have to be checked twice a day to make sure you’re not cutting again. You can decide which of us you want doing that. Your person and room will have to be checked for drugs every time you go out and come home. You’re not allowed anything sharp except silverware when eating. Your curfew is 8pm, and you can’t go anywhere without supervision. We did manage to get your therapist to accept Evan as supervision, so you two can still go out together, but you’ll have to check in more than usual. We’ll need to know where you’re going and when you’ll be back.”

Connor felt Evan squeeze his hand under the table. Thank god for small favors.

“You’re on a new medicine plan, and you have to stick to it-“

Connor shook his head. “No. The medicine always makes me feel numb and spaced out. I can’t do that again.”

“I’m sorry, Connor, but you have to,” Cynthia said, concern in her voice. “You can talk to the therapist about it, but if you miss your medicine or refuse to take it, they’ll put you back into in-patient for another eight weeks.”

Connor felt tears of anger burn in his eyes. He had been fine without medicine for SO long. One slip up, and he had to go back on it? Why did they have to force it on him? Evan put his free hand on Connor’s leg to comfort him.

“You’ll see a therapist three times a week for the first three months, and then they’ll determine what you need after that.” 

Connor hung his head. He hated therapy almost as much, if not more, than the medicine. He wasn’t that great with sharing his feelings with the people he knew, and he detested sharing his feelings with a stranger.

“If you stick to everything the program asks of you, they may release you early after four months, but only if they can determine you won’t hurt yourself or try to... well...” Larry cleared his throat. “I know this isn’t going to be easy, Connor, but... This won’t be like the last time. I think we’re all in a different place this time, and I think we’re in a better place. YOU’RE in a better place.”

Connor looked up at his father, shocked by the words coming out of his mouth. 

“I’m proud of how far you’ve come, Connor. Don’t let this ruin everything you’ve worked so hard for. You can push through this, son.”

Connor nodded, trying to blink back the tears in his eyes. Evan squeezed his hand again.

“Okay, good. So... So I think it’s safe to say you probably don’t need to be checked for new cuts this morning, right? Since you and Evan..” He looked uncomfortable. “Well... Anyway. We’re going to try to place as much trust in you and Evan as we can, but it’s like the honor system. If you break our trust, there will be consequences.”

Connor nodded, slumping in his seat. If you’d told him a year ago that his dad would trust him and treat him like an adult, he would have laughed in your face.

“W-what about... school?” he asked reluctantly, picking anxiously at his bracelets.

“You missed a lot of time, and your grades were...” Cynthia sighed. “You’ll have to repeat your senior year, Connor. I’m sorry.”

Connor’s eyes went wide. He shook his head. “No... But I was SO close to finishing! I-I can’t do it again. I can’t repeat the WHOLE year again...”

“I’m so sorry, Connor,” Cynthia sighed, lip trembling. “There’s nothing we can do. The school made the decision. I’m sorry, sweetie.”

Connor felt like he was going to be sick, but he didn’t want to worry his parents and Evan again, so he just shrugged it off. “Whatever. No one will be shocked that the school stoner has to repeat a year, so...” He ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

“I’ll be by your side for all of this,” Evan assured him, hesitating under the watchful eyes of Connor’s parents, before leaning in to kiss his cheek. Connor leaned into him, resting his head on Evan’s shoulder, feeling defeated. He’d brought this all on himself, he knew. But it didn’t make it any easier.

“Is that it?” Connor asked his parents, voice flat.

Cynthia and Larry nodded. Cynthia picked up two pill bottles, shaking out one pill from each, before handing them to Connor. Connor’s hands shook. He hesitated before popping the pills and swallowing them with some orange juice. Cynthia made him open his mouth to show he’d actually swallowed them.

Connor and Evan escaped back up to Connor’s room after that. They sat on the floor, their backs against Connor’s bed. 

“This... sucks,” Connor finally said, laying his head back against the mattress.

“You’re going to get through this, Connor, I promise,” Evan assured him. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“I don’t deserve you,” Connor sighed, lip trembling.

“You deserve everything that’s good in this world,” Evan said firmly, putting his head on Connor’s shoulder.

Connor kissed the top of Evan’s head. He was glad one of them felt that way.


	3. Step Into the Sun Chapter 3

Evan held Connor’s hair back and rubbed circles into his back while he vomited into the toilet. When Connor didn’t think he had anything left in his stomach, he fell back against the bathtub, trembling. Evan sat beside him, wrapping one arm around his boyfriend and using the other to press a cold washcloth to his head. It took a good ten minutes before Connor stopped shaking and feeling like he was going to throw up again.

“I fucking hate this medicine,” Connor groaned, blinking back furious tears, curling into Evan’s side.

“I know,” Evan mumbled, holding him tight and stroking his hair. “Your body will get used to them eventually. Do you want some ginger ale and crackers?”

Connor’s stomach flipped at the idea of putting food in it, but he nodded. 

“Do you want to stay here or do you want to go back to your room?”

“Here,” Connor said after a moments hesitation. Just in case his stomach rejected the ginger ale and crackers.

Evan squeezed his hand. “Be right back.” With one more quick kiss, he stood and practically ran down to the kitchen.

Cynthia looked up from the dishes in the sink. “How’s he doing?” 

Evan frowned and shrugged. “The medicine is still making him throw up. It’s been three weeks. Can’t the doctor do something to help?” He rushed around the kitchen, grabbing everything he needed as he spoke. He didn’t want to be away from Connor longer than he had to be.

Cynthia sighed, eyes filled with sadness. “The doctor said of it doesn’t stop in another week, they’ll adjust the dose. But this is a typical reaction for many people. They don’t want to change the medicine this early on unless they really have to.”

Evan frowned, but didn’t argue. Arms full, he ran back up to Connor, who was lying on the bathroom floor, curled in a ball, his head on the cold tile. Evan helped him sit up. He opened the ginger ale, stuck in a straw, and held it to Connor’s lips. Connor took small sips, making a face. He took a cracker and nibbled it.

“I’m sorry,” Connor mumbled, staring at the floor, picking at his nail polish. “You shouldn’t have to be doing this. You should be enjoying your summer.”

“I am,” Evan insisted. “I’m with you and that’s all that matters. I want to be here.”

“Really? You enjoy watching me vomit?” Connor snapped.

Evan didn’t answer him, just put the straw to his lips again. Connor took a small sip, then leaned back against the tub, sighing. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I’m just so...”

“I know,” Evan said softly, rubbing Connor’s arm. “This will pass, Connor. You’ll get through this. I went through this the first time I went on meds, too. But it’ll help. I know it doesn’t seem like it will now, but it will.”

“I just want to go to sleep,” Connor mumbled, grabbing the side of the tub and using it to help him stand. Evan stood with him, picking up the ginger ale and crackers and walking with Connor back to his room. He set everything on the nightstand, then settled in beside Connor, who was curled on his side.

This first month had been incredibly difficult for Connor. Adjusting to the new rules, the pills, and the therapy sessions took a lot out of him. The nausea and vomiting had started in week two. It was week five now, and he didn’t know how much more he could take. 

The medicine also made him sleepy, so he slept a lot. Plus, sleeping was the only thing that took away the nausea- well, one other thing helped, too... 

Evan was almost always by his side. Though Heidi and Cynthia had joked about needing to be “strict, responsible parents,” they knew Connor drew strength from Evan, so they often let Evan sleep over. Sometimes, when Connor needed a break from being stuck in his house, they would go to Evan’s house and stay the night there. 

Evan curled into Connor, rubbing lazy circles on his stomach. Connor grabbed his hand and held tight, almost crushing Evan’s hand, but Evan didn’t care. He squeezed back, planting kisses on Connor’s cheek and neck.

Cynthia popped her head in twenty minutes later.

“Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes, if either of you feels up to it.”

Connor waited a few minutes before rolling over to make sure his mom was gone. “Can we... Can we maybe go for a walk or go eat somewhere that’s not here? I mean, food still doesn’t sound too appealing, but I just... I can’t do another Murphy Family Dinner.”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, of course, whatever you want to do. We’ll have to see if your parents mind, and tell them where we’re going, but yes, definitely.”

Connor slowly sat up, letting his stomach catch up with the rest of his body. “I’m gonna shower, I feel gross. Can you go ask them? I feel like they’ll say yes if you ask.”

Evan stood. “Sure, where did you wanna go eat?”

“Is your mom home?”

Evan shook his head. “Overnight shift.”

“Can we just go to your house? I feel like we haven’t been alone in weeks.”

“You got it,” Evan said, leaning in to kiss Connor, but Connor pulled away.

“You really wanna kiss me after I just threw up? I need to brush my teeth before I let you do that,” Connor said, making a face.

“If I can tolerate your morning breath, I can tolerate that,” Evan snickered, but he settled for squeezing Connor’s hand. “I’ll be right back.”

Connor watched Evan go, sighing. He REALLY didn’t deserve such a beautiful, kind boy. He shook his head, trudging to the bathroom. He turned the shower on, brushing his teeth while the water got hot. He swished with mouthwash, spit it out, then stripped down and hopped in the shower.

Evan was sitting on the closed toilet when Connor pulled the shower curtain open. He stepped out, shivering. Evan handed him a towel, and he wrapped himself in it.

“Well?”

“Your parents said yes,” Evan said with a gentle smile. “But your mom has to drive us there. She said you can stay over – I already texted my mom and she said yes, too.”

Connor looked so relieved, Evan couldn’t help but stand and wrap his arms around him. Connor’s wet body soaked his shirt, but he didn’t care. 

Back in his room, Connor dressed quickly. He was eager to be alone with Evan. His parents had kept a tight leash on him for this first month, and he understood why, but it was also frustrating. This would be their first time alone in nearly three months.

Cynthia smiled when they came downstairs, motioning for them to follow her outside. The drive to Evan’s was quiet – Connor was feeling nauseas again from the motion of the car. He had his head tucked into Evan’s shoulder, fighting the urge to vomit. Thankfully, Evan didn’t live far, so the car ride was over quickly.

“Have a good night, boys! Love you!” Cynthia called. Evan and Connor waved her off before heading inside.

Connor immediately collapsed on the couch. Evan ran to the kitchen for the ginger ale and crackers they kept on hand for when Connor was over. He sat beside Connor, putting the ginger ale and crackers on the coffee table, then scooting closer to Connor, who laid down and put his head in Evan’s lap. 

Evan stroked his hair for a long time. His heart broke for Connor. It had been a rough few months for him, and it wasn’t going to get easier any time soon. 

“Evan?”

“Yes?” 

“I love you.”

Evan smiled. “I love you, too, Connor.”

Connor sat up, leaning into Evan and kissing him, long and hard. He didn’t deserve Evan. He feared the day Evan realized he deserved better, was terrified that each day with Evan would be his last. And he hated that they had already lost three months to his stupidity. His stupid brain had ruined everything. They’d never get those three months back. His days with Evan were likely limited, and he didn’t want to keep wasting them.

When they finally broke the kiss, Evan was smiling. That smile made Connor melt.

“Do you want something to eat now? Or are you still nauseas?”

“Oh... Um..” Connor frowned. It took a minute for his brain to process what Evan was asking, he had been so lost in his thoughts. “Um... Actually, I don’t know why, but I’m craving mac and cheese...?” He did know why, actually... But he wasn’t going to admit it.

“Are you sure your stomach can handle that?” Evan asked, worry in his eyes. 

Connor shrugged. “I dunno, but it sounds good.”

Evan nodded. “You got it.” He kissed Connor on the head, then headed off to the kitchen to cook. 

Connor sat up, sighing. He rubbed his eyes, then stared down at his bracelets. The urge to cut still hit him once in awhile. Sometimes, it was overwhelming. His mind and body screamed at him. He hadn’t given in yet, but...

“You wanna eat in there or here?” Evan called from the kitchen, pulling Connor from his spiraling thoughts.

Evan was the only thing holding him together right now. He knew if he made even the smallest slip, he’d be back in treatment and away from Evan. The thought pained him. 

“There, I guess,” Connor called, slowly standing and making his way to Evan, who was placing two plates of Mac and Cheese on the kitchen table, along with glasses of soda.

Connor took small bites, testing his stomach. This was the first non-bland food he’d attempted to eat since the medicine started making him so sick. It tasted delicious, but after only a few bites, he could already feel his stomach rebelling, so he pushed the plate aside and sipped ginger ale.

“I’m sorry, I made you cook and... I can’t..” Connor hung his head.

“Oh, how dare you. I worked so hard on this instant mac and cheese, and you’re letting it go to waste,” Evan said dramatically, rolling his eyes. “Seriously, Connor, it’s fine. It’s not a big deal.”

“Yeah it is,” Connor grumbled.

“No. It’s not,” Evan said firmly, reaching out and forcing Connor to look at him. “It’s really, really not.” He leaned in and gave Connor a quick kiss.

Connor slumped. “Why do you put up with me?”

“Cause I love you,” Evan replied, shrugging. “Cause you put up with me. Cause you saw me at my worst and still wanted me. Because you’re you.”

Connor suddenly stood and pulled Evan up, dragging him upstairs. Evan fell on his bed, Connor on top of him. Connor leaned in, showering him in kisses, impatiently tugging at Evan’s shirt.

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Evan asked worriedly.

“Yes, very much so,” Connor said with a nod. “Considering we haven’t had sex since before I went into treatment, and I don’t even remember that last time because I was high as a kit on sleeping pills, Adderall and weed.” 

“Well, in that case,” Evan replied, yanking Connor’s shirt off roughly and tossing it to the floor. The action made Connor’s hair pull forward, flopping over his face and looking wild. Connor blinked, shaking his head like a dog to get it out of his face. Evan started laughing hysterically and couldn’t stop.

“Oh, you think that’s funny?” Connor growled playfully, yanking Evan’s shirt off and pushing him back down on the bed. He started trailing kisses down his chest and stomach, then suddenly stopped, glancing up mischievously at Evan and smirking.

“Why are you looking at me like - CONNOR!”

Connor was ravaging Evan with raspberries and tickles, making Evan yelp with laughter, squirming to try to get away from the brutal onslaught. 

“CONNOR STOP!” Evan howled. He was laughing so hard, his stomach hurt and he couldn’t catch his breath. “WHITE FLAG! WHITE FLAG!” 

Connor was shaking with laughter, but he finally relented, smirking innocently at Evan before leaning in for another kiss, and quickly removing Evan’s pants, then his own. When he went to remove Evan’s boxers, though, Evan stopped him. Connor gave him a questioning look. 

For just a moment, Evan’s anxiety tried to tell him he was being stupid, that he shouldn’t be doing this. But Evan forced it to shut up. His heart was pounding in his chest as he forced Connor to roll onto his back and he climbed on top. He usually let Connor take control. He’d never been bold enough to. But after so many months without his beautiful boy, he couldn’t help himself.

He started out with gentle kisses on Connor’s lips, neck, chest, stomach, trailing down, then back up. He nuzzled Connor’s neck, kissing, nibbling, biting, sucking. Connor groaned, running his fingernails down Evan’s back.

Evan pulled back, grinning. “Two seconds in and I found your weakness?”

Connor blushed. “Shut up and don’t stop.”

Evan complied, focusing on Connor’s neck for a few more minutes before trailing down again. Every once in awhile, his anxiety told him he was making a fool of himself, but then Connor would make a noise of delight or curl his toes or dig his nails into Evan’s back, and the anxiety would shut up.

Evan ran his fingers along the waistband of Connor’s boxers, teasing him, dipping his hand a little lower, then pulling away. Connor’s body responded immediately.

“Dammit, Evan,” Connor groaned. “Stop teasing me!”

Evan snickered, finally removing Connor’s boxers entirely. His eyes sparkled as he moved in, Connor’s breath catching in his throat...

~*~*~

“That was... different,” Connor said after, panting a little bit.

Evan blushed. The boy who wanted nothing more than to be invisible all his life had been... very bold, indeed.

Now, they lay side-by-side, Evan tucked up close to Connor.

“Hopefully in a GOOD way,” Evan said anxiously, too nervous to make eye contact with Connor.

Connor chuckled. “Uh, yeah.”

Evan blushed. 

“And I don’t feel nauseas anymore,” Connor added, delighted. “Firs time in weeks.”

“That’s great!” Evan cheered, climbing on top of Connor and leaning down to kiss him again. They stayed that way for a long time, kissing and exploring each other’s bodies.

Suddenly, Connor’s phone rang, breaking the silence. Startled, Evan yelped and fell off the bed.

Connor blinked down at Evan. “You haven’t done that in awhile.. Guess it was overdue...”

“Shut up,” Evan grumbled.

Connor chuckled, picking his phone up. It was Cynthia. “Hi, mom.”

Evan scrambled back onto the bed, crawling over Connor and covering himself completely except for his head. Connor quirked a brow at him.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Connor said into the phone. “We ate a little bit but I was too nauseas... Mhm... I’ll try again, promise... Mhm... Um... We’re just watching movies...” He glanced at Evan, smirking. Evan snickered into his hand.

“Right, I know... I know.. I KNOW,” he sighed, exasperated. “I promise. Okay, okay... Goodnight... Yes, I’ll tell Evan you say goodnight.. Okay... Yeah... bye.”

Connor ended the call and tossed his phone to the floor, rolling his eyes at Evan.

“You know my mom can’t see that you’re naked through the phone,” Connor remarked.

“Of course I know that,” Evan huffed, blushing. Connor chuckled, pulling Evan close.


	4. Step into the Sun Chapter 4

When Connor woke up the next morning, he felt happy for the first time in a long time. Well, happier, at least. He wasn’t as nauseas, and he had his beautiful, anxious boy next to him. He kissed Evan on the top of the head. Evan groaned and stirred, but didn’t wake. 

Connor carefully got out of bed, threw on the sweatpants and the black shirt he kept in Evan’s dresser, and went down to the kitchen. Heidi was there, which surprised him. 

“Morning, Connor,” she greeted, looking up from her computer, sipping her coffee. 

“Oh.. Morning,” Connor mumbled, feeling embarrassed to be caught in pajamas in her kitchen. It was still weird getting used to the fact that everyone knew about him and Evan, and the fact that the adults let them have “sleepovers.”

“I didn’t think you’d be home till later,” he causally remarked, as he moved around the kitchen, grabbing what he needed to make them all pancakes. It had shocked Evan the first time Connor had cooked for them; it wasn’t something Connor shared with many people, since most people laughed at him for knowing how to cook. But making breakfast was just a small way in which he could thank Heidi for allowing him to stay over.

“Did I ruin your plans?” she questioned, quirking a brow.

Connor blushed. “N-No, of course not...” He avoided her gaze by setting up the pancake mix and turning the flame on under the pan to warm it.

Connor was plating the bacon when Evan stumbled into the kitchen, yawning.

“Mom?” he asked, surprised. Heidi smirked and waved at him.

“W-what are... When did...”

“An hour ago. Things were slow and I had some homework to catch up. Sleep well?” she asked. Evan blushed. Heidi surprised herself by how unusually calm she was being about her teenage son having his boyfriend sleep over. But, she supposed, this whole situation had been unusual from the beginning.

Evan helped Connor bring the food to the table. They all ate in pleasant silence, until Heidi dropped her fork, staring at Connor.

“Connor... what’s that..?”

“What?” he asked, confused.

“On your neck...?” Heidi asked stiffly.

Connor frowned, glancing at Evan. It took Evan a moment to realize what his mom meant. When he did, his eyes went wide. “Oh, shit..”

“Oh, yeah,” Heidi grumbled, frowning at her son, then at Connor.

“I... Oh...” Connor gulped, remembering the night before and Evan and... Shit. He quickly pushed his hair back over his shoulder to cover his neck. “I... it’s nothing... I, uh... dropped my...uh... book on myself... You know, fell asleep reading.. So...”

“I wasn’t born yesterday,” Heidi said, rolling her eyes. 

Evan was blushing so bright red, he looked sunburned. He had given Connor a hickey... He, Evan Hansen, had given his boyfriend, Connor Murphy, a hickey. It would have been awesome if his mom hadn’t noticed. Now, it was just embarrassing.

“I... uh.... better get going...” Connor cleared his throat. “Medicine check-in, you know...” He jumped up to run upstairs.

“I’ll walk you home,” Evan said, jumping up, too.

“Mhm...” Heidi rolled her eyes, going back to her breakfast.

Back up in Evan’s room, both boys quickly changed into real clothes. Connor threw his hoodie on and zipped it all the way, then carefully tucked his hair around his neck.

Once they were ready to go, they ran downstairs, yelled a quick goodbye to Heidi, and escaped out the door.

“Well that wasn’t embarrassing or anything,” Evan moaned, shaking his head, as he and Connor walked hand-in-hand.

“No, not at all,” Connor rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe you gave me a hickey.”

“If you’d told me a year ago that I’d be giving ANYONE a hickey, I’d have laughed in your face,” Evan said flatly. “And then I’d have immediately apologized and cried. Because anxiety.”

Connor chuckled. “As long as my parents don’t see it... Can you imagine the lecture we’d get? I don’t think they’d be as cool as your mom...”

Evan shook his head. “I really don’t want to be sat down for The Talk with Larry Murphy..”

Connor gagged, shaking his head. “Don’t even put that thought in my head...”

~*~*~

Cynthia and Zoe were both home having breakfast when Connor and Evan came into the room. 

“Good morning!” Cynthia said cheerfully. Connor and Evan sat with them. Cynthia handed Connor his pills and some water. He sighed, but swallowed them and showed her he had swallowed them.

“Connor, it’s like 80 degrees out.. Why are you wearing your hoodie?” Zoe asked, taking a big bite out of her toast.

Connor’s eyes widened and he shook his head at her, but stopped when Cynthia frowned at him. 

“Connor...” She asked, worry in her voice.

“I was just... Cold. Evan’s house was cold last night, so...”

“Connor, please take your hoodie off and show me your arms.”

“I-what?”

Cynthia closed her eyes, composing herself, then looked back at her son. “Show me your arms.”

“I can’t believe this,” Connor snapped. “Just because I want to wear my hoodie, you think I’m cutting again??”

“Connor, don’t argue with me,” Cynthia said firmly.

Connor stared at her in disbelief. He thought he had earned at least some of her trust back... Apparently not.

Scowling, Connor stood and removed his hoodie, careful not to jostle his hair so it kept covering his neck. He held his arms out to her.

“Happy?” he snapped.

“Your bracelets,” Cynthia said firmly. 

“I can’t believe this...” Connor repeated, shaking his head. He gritted his teeth, but removed his bracelets and showed his mom his arms again. “Satisfied?”

Cynthia sighed, but nodded. Connor scowled at her before stomping off to his room. Evan frowned, excusing himself and following Connor upstairs. Connor slammed his door shut in Evan’s face. Hesitantly, Evan opened it and walked in.

“Oh, sorry, Ev,” Connor said softly, slowly sinking onto his bed, putting his bracelets back on. “I just.. I can’t believe her mind jumped immediately to.. to.. THAT.”

Evan sat beside him, hugging him. “Over time, she’ll start trusting you more. You just have to remember that it’s still early and she’s worried about you.”

Connor rolled his eyes.

There was a tentative knock on the doorframe. Connor and Evan looked up to see Zoe.

“Mom’s sorry, Con,” she said softly, stepping closer to the bed. “She’s just worried.”

Connor rolled his eyes again. “Yes, I know. I’m Crazy Connor Murphy, after all, gotta make sure I’m not trying to off myself again, right?”

“Don’t be like that,” Zoe said firmly. “There was no logical reason for you to have that hoodie on in this weather.”

“Yes, and you just HAD to point that out in front of her instead of asking me in private.”

Zoe frowned. “And would you have actually told me if I’d asked?”

Connor looked thoughtful for a moment. “No, true.”

It was Zoe’s turn to roll her eyes. “So, why did you have it on then? Since it seems you had an actual reason for it.”

Connor and Evan exchanged nervous glances, both blushing.

“Okay, now you have to tell me,” Zoe said, eyes alight with intrigue.

“No, we don’t,” Connor snapped.

“Oh, come on, I won’t tell,” she insisted.

Connor sighed. “Fine, but you have to promise.”

“Cross my heart,” Zoe promised. 

Connor glanced nervously at Evan, then looked back at Zoe. He bit his lip, then tiled his head away from her and moved his hair off his neck.

Zoe’s mouth dropped open. “Evan gave you a HICKEY???”

“Shhhhh,” Connor snapped. “Lower your voice before mom hears!”

Zoe burst into laughter. “Oh my god, who would have thought quiet, innocent, anxious Evan Hansen would do THAT?”

Evan blushed, staring at the floor.

“Wow. Well, you better make sure mom and dad don’t see that... Just saying..” She laughed as she left them alone. They could hear her laughing all the way back to her room, until she closed the door.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Okay, we officially have to go do something that’s NOT at either of our houses. I NEED to get away from my family for a little bit.

“We could see if Jared wants to do a game night again. That was fun,” Evan suggested.

Connor frowned, looking at the ground.

“What?” Evan asked, worried by the look in Connor’s eyes.

“Does he know what... What I... Um...” He fidgeted. “Does he know about everything?”

Evan hesitated, knowing he had to be careful how he worded this. “Not the whole thing.. But, I mean, there were rumors at school, so...”

Connor dropped his head in his hands. “Oh, of course.”

“He heard the rumors and tried to ask me, but I told him it wasn’t my story to tell.”

Connor heaved a sigh. “Well, guess I have to face him eventually... Okay, let’s see if we can maybe do a game night tomorrow. I have therapy, so anytime after...” He made a face. 

Evan rubbed his arm, then texted Jared. After a few minutes, Jared replied. Evan perked up, grinning at Connor.

“Hey, Jared said his pool is open. We can go swimming, then have game night.”

“I mean, any excuse to see you in a bathing suit...” Connor said with a grin. Evan blushed.

“Then it’s a date,” he said, texting Jared back to confirm.


	5. Step Into the Sun Chapter 5

Connor sat across from his therapist, refusing to make eye contact, picking at his nail polish. At this point, he hated therapy even more than the meds. He would never get used to having to sit here and talk about things that he didn’t want to talk about. He had been coming here three times a week for a month, and he still refused to talk. Each session, the therapist tried to get him to speak, and every time, Connor ignored him.

“You know, Connor,” Dr. Roland finally said, frowning at him. “I know you don’t like these sessions, and I understand that. But if you don’t start making some progress, I’ll have to make note of it in your file and it could impact your treatment.”

Connor looked up, startled. “What?”

“If they don’t feel you’re making progress and doing better, they could decide to send you back to in-patient treatment.”

Connor’s eyes went wide. “What? NO! That’s not fair – I’m doing EVERYTHING you guys want! Ask my parents! Ask Evan!”

“Who’s Evan?” Dr. Roland questioned, pen poised to write.

Connor clamped his mouth shut. Shit. 

Dr. Roland sighed. “So far, I’ve gone easy on you. I know how difficult these sessions can be for some people. I haven’t made any negative comments in my weekly reports to your doctors. But I do need you to start cooperating here.”

Connor blinked back angry tears. This whole thing was so unfair.

“Unfair how?”

“I-what?” Connor yelped. He hadn’t meant to say that part out loud, didn’t even realize he had...

Dr. Roland stared at him, waiting.

“Why does it matter if I ‘open up’ to you in these stupid sessions? No one listens to me anyway, so nothing I say will matter,” he snapped, scowling at the floor. The more agitated he got, the more he let slip.

“Who doesn’t listen to you? Your parents? Evan? Your doc-“

“No,” Connor snapped, his anger growing. “Don’t bring Evan into this. He’s the only person who actually DOES listen to me.”

“And who is he?” Dr. Roland asked again.

Connor opened his mouth, then snapped it shut. He didn’t want to drag Evan into this. Didn’t want his name in this stupid man’s notes.

“I’m sorry, Connor, but I’m going to have to start noting your refusal to cooperate,” Dr. Roland said with a frown. He lowered his pen to his pad and started to write something.

“Okay,” Connor snapped. “Okay, okay.” He huffed, blinking back tears of anger and frustration.

“IF we do this,” Connor said after several minutes of silence. “If I.. If... I-I don’t want you writing ANY notes about Evan. I don’t want him dragged into this any more than he already has been.”

“Well, I can’t promise that,” Dr. Roland admitted. “If it helps, I’ll try to keep notes that discuss him in your personal file for my eyes only, not in the weekly reports I have to submit to your doctors from the treatment program. But again, I can’t promise I won’t ever make notes about him, since he’s clearly a big part of this.”

“What makes you say that?” Connor demanded. “You don’t know that.”

“It’s very clear you’re trying hard to protect him. You must care about him a lot.”

Connor blushed, looking away. He’d been out long enough that he wasn’t embarrassed to be discussing Evan and their relationship. He just didn’t like discussing it with a complete stranger. Especially one he was being forced to see.

“We can talk about other things first. But I think this is important. I think talking about Evan will help you feel more confident speaking about personal matters.”

“Oh? And why do you think that?” Connor sneered.

“Because sometimes the things we’re most reluctant to talk about are the things we need to talk about most. And if you feel safe discussing Evan here, then I think you’ll feel safe discussing anything. Because, Connor, whether you want to believe me or not, this is a safe space and I’m here to help.”

Connor scowled at him, crossing his arms and slumping in the chair.

“He’s my boyfriend,” Connor finally admitted, avoiding eye contact with the doctor.

“See, was that so hard?” Dr. Roland asked, smiling encouragingly, even though Connor wasn’t looking at him and couldn’t see it. “When did you two start dating?”

Connor cringed. ”November.”

“And how did you meet?”

Connor looked up sharply. “Do you really need to know all the details of our relationship?”

“Yes. I’m not looking to gossip with you, Connor,” the doctor said dryly. “Evan is an important part of your life, and he was there during the months leading up to your suicide attempt. So it’s important-“

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” Connor snapped.

Dr. Roland quirked a brow at him. “You took a lethal dose of sleeping pills and Adderall, and cut your wrists open.”

“I didn’t-“ Connor sighed, shaking his head, looking down. “You know what, I give up. Write whatever you want about me not cooperating. No one will believe me anyway, same as usual. So why bother?”

“I’m stating a fact, per the report I was sent. But if you have a truth you want to share, please share it.”

Connor sneered at him. “A truth I want to share? You’re kidding, right? You know how fucking ridiculous that sounds?” 

Connor scowled, waiting for Dr. Roland to scold him for cursing or being rude. But instead, he started laughing – genuine laughter.

Connor looked up, startled.

“You’re right, actually. This formal, stuffy talk is pretty clinical and ridiculous. So-“ He tossed his notebook down, leaned back in his chair, and assumed a more relaxed position. “Let’s just talk, how about that? Just shoot the shit.”

“I... What?” Connor blinked, feeling confused. Was this for real, or was it reverse psychology? 

Dr. Roland shrugged. “I adapt to what my patients need all the time. So if this is what you need to feel comfortable, then this is what we’ll do.”

Connor frowned. “Sure...”

“So what do you want to talk about first – Evan, or the fact that you didn’t actually try to kill yourself?”

Connor’s mouth dropped open. “I mean.. giving me the easy choices, huh?” He rolled his eyes.

Dr. Roland shrugged. “Unless you want to talk about your relationship with your family..”

“So Evan and I started dating in November, but we met in September when I thought a letter he wrote was meant to humiliate me, but it turns out it was just an assignment from his therapist and I wasn’t even meant to see it.”

Dr. Roland chuckled. “Well, that was easier than I thought.”

“You’re an asshole,” Connor said, shaking his head.

Dr. Roland shrugged, grinning. “Maybe, but it worked.”

~*~*~

“How was therapy?” Evan asked as he and Connor made their way to Jared’s.

Connor shrugged. “Not as bad as I thought... Dr. Roland is pretty chill.”

“Did I hear that right? Did Connor Murphy just call his therapist ‘pretty chill’ ??”

“I never thought I’d say it either,” Connor admitted. “But it actually wasn’t awful.”

They arrived at Jared’s a few minutes later, walking around to the back of the house and through the fence. Jared, Michael, Josh and Robbie were all there already.

“Hey, Murphsen,” Jared called from the pool, where he was lounging on a pool float, drink in hand.

“Hey,” Evan called with a smile. Connor waved. They dumped their stuff on some pool chairs and stripped down to their suits, which they’d worn under their regular clothes. Connor shook out some sunscreen into his hands, then handed some to Evan. 

“Do my back?” Evan asked, turning around. Connor complied, rubbing Evan’s back for longer than he had to. He teased him, moving his hands down low, then back up.

“Hey,” Evan blushed. Connor smirked, then turned so Evan could do his back, too. They walked up to the edge of the pool.

“Is it cold?” Evan asked nervously, leaning forward to put a toe in and check.

“I dunno,” Connor said innocently. “Let’s find out.” He grabbed Evan around the stomach and yanked.

“Connor!” Evan yelped, trying to pull back, but it was too late. They both fell into the water – and it WAS cold!

When they broke the surface, Evan was spluttering. Connor grinned at him.

“Connor, you ass,” Evan gasped, but he was laughing and shaking water out of his face.

Connor snickered, leaning in and wrapping his arms around Evan, giving him a kiss. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

“Don’t be gross” Jared joked, rolling his eyes at them.

Evan snickered, jumping up and wrapping his legs around Connor, the water making him weightless. Connor wrapped his arms around Evan’s butt to hold him up, then slowly swam backwards into the deep end. 

After about an hour of swimming, everyone got out of the pool and into the lounge chairs to dry off. Jared had pizza delivered, and they sat around, eating in peaceful quiet.

“So.. How’s it going?” Jared asked Connor suddenly, actually sounding sincere for once.

Connor looked up, chewing his pizza for longer than necessary before swallowing and shrugging. “Fine, I guess.”

Jared nodded. “Cool, cool.”

And they left it at that, enjoying their food and the warmth of the sun. Their plans to jump back in the pool after lunch were disrupted by rain clouds crawling across the sky and the boom of thunder that sounded soon after.

Connor and Evan quickly dressed and grabbed their stuff, thanking Jared for inviting them. 

“Not staying for video games?” Jared asked.

“We have to walk home. If we go now, we might beat the rain,” Evan explained.

Jared waved them off. He, Michael, Josh and Robbie made their way inside while Connor and Evan started walking back to Evan’s. Thunder boomed, louder this time.

“That was fun, right?” Evan asked. Connor nodded, looking relaxed for the first time in a long time. 

A boom of thunder shook the sky and a downpour soaked them immediately. 

“Gah!” Evan yelped, grabbing Connor’s hand. He started to run, pulling Connor with him, but Connor tugged him back into his arms, hugging him close.

“This is kinda nice, actually,” Connor mused, kissing Evan.

Evan wrapped his arms around Connor, leaning into the kiss, loving the feeling of Connor’s arms around him. He felt so safe, so loved.

“Did you just kiss me in the rain? Like they do in all those cheesy rom coms?” Evan laughed when they broke apart.

Connor grinned and nodded. “Yep.”

Evan grinned back up at him, leaning in for another kiss, when a car drove past them, splashing hard in a puddle and soaking them in water, mud and who knew what else.

“Shit,” Connor growled, shaking off. He glanced at Evan to make sure he was okay, but he was shaking with silent laughter. 

Connor rolled his eyes. “Let’s go, you dork.” He dragged Evan forward and they walked the rest of the way to Evan’s. 

“Mom, you home?” Evan called, shutting and locking the door behind him. When no one answered, he tugged Connor upstairs to the bathroom. 

Evan turned the shower water on, then turned to Connor, lifting his arms above his head. Connor immediately pulled Evan’s shirt off, then his own. He tossed them to the floor. They yanked their shoes and socks off and kicked them aside. Connor tossed his bracelets and rings onto the sink counter, since they too were wet and dirty. He turned back to Evan, quickly doing away with first Evan’s pants and then his own. He leaned in, cupping Evan’s cheek, kissing him long and hard. He trailed kisses down Evan’s neck, chest, and stomach, pulling his boxers off as he went lower. He felt Evan shiver, and wasn’t sure if it was from cold or pleasure. He pulled his own boxers off and kicked out of them, pulling Evan into the shower with him.

They stood under the spray of hot water for a long time, wrapped in each others arms, kissing. After a warming up a little, Connor soaped up a washcloth and began running it up and down Evan’s body, getting into every nook and cranny, teasing him mercilessly a few times. When he was done, Evan returned the favor. They each washed their own hair and face next. Once all the soap was rinsed away, Connor pushed Evan against the shower wall, showering him in more kisses, nibbling his neck, teasing his body. Evan tried to wrap his legs around Connor, but they slipped and Connor went down hard on his butt, holding Evan close to keep him from getting hurt. They lay on the shower floor for a minute, legs tangled together, blinking at each other, before bursting into laughter. 

“Shower sex is NOT as easy as rom coms make it seem,” Evan admitted, as Connor helped him stand.

“Nope,” Connor chuckled, turning the water off. He stepped out, Evan right behind him. He handed Evan a towel, then took one for himself. After drying off and dressing in pajamas, Evan gathered their wet, muddy clothes and the towels and went to throw them in the wash while Connor cleaned up the mess they’d left in the bathroom. He cleaned his bracelets and rings in the sink. He put his rings back on, but hesitated before putting his bracelets back on. A small part of him was tempted to leave them off; everyone he cared about knew about his cutting. He hadn’t done it since before treatment. But he still hated looking at the scars. They were a painful reminder. So, he put them on, then went downstairs to Evan, who was waiting for him on the couch.

“I know you said the nausea is going away, but I decided gentle snacks were still for the best,” Evan said, gesturing at the pretzels, crackers, popcorn and ginger ale. A small feeling of guilt washed over Connor, but he pushed it away and plopped down next to Evan, pulling him in for a hug.

They were about halfway through a movie when Heidi called.

“Hey mom,” Evan said into the phone. “It was fun... Yeah, we got caught in it on the way home.. Mhm.. Yeah, it seems like it... Let me ask.” Evan looked up at Connor. “Mom wants to know if you think you can stomach Chinese food?”

Connor nodded eagerly, and Evan conveyed his response to Heidi. He spoke for another few minutes, then hung up and snuggled back into Connor.

“She’ll be home in an hour with dinner,” Evan confirmed. 

“Yesss,” Connor said with a grin, pulling Evan close.

“Did you wanna spend the night again?” Evan asked.

“I wish I could, but I have therapy in the morning and my mom has to drive me,” Connor huffed in frustration. “Between that and morning meds and cut checks, it’s easier if I’m home.”

“Oh,” Evan replied, disappointed. “Wait, don’t you have it every other day?”

“Dr. Roland felt I needed an extra session this week,” Connor grumbled, looking gloomy and distant. 

“You okay..?” Evan asked, taking his hand.

“Yeah, fine, whatever. Um, you can come to my place, though, if you can tolerate the Murphy Family in all its craptastic glory.”

“Of course I can,” Evan laughed. “You should know by now your family can’t scare me away.”

“Never say never,” Connor mumbled.

Evan sat up, frowning at him. “You sure you’re okay?”

Connor cleared his throat. “Yeah, fine. Let’s just enjoy the movie till your mom gets home, okay?”

Evan frowned, but nodded. 

Connor was quiet for the rest of the night. Even Heidi could sense something was off, but she didn’t say anything.

“Thanks for dinner, Mrs. H. I’m gonna head out now.” Connor leaned over and kissed Evan goodbye.

Evan frowned. What happened to him going and spending the night? But he didn’t say it out loud.

“Is your mom picking you up? Otherwise, I can drive you,” Heidi offered.

“Nah, I’m gonna walk.”

“Are you sure that’s okay? You’re supposed to be-“

“I’ll be fine,” Connor snapped. “I’m a big boy.” He stormed out, letting the door slam behind him.

Heidi frowned at Evan. “Is... Is he okay??”

Evan shook his head, blinking back tears. “I don’t know. I-I think so? He was a little moody tonight... I think all these rules and things are getting to him a little.”

“Maybe I should call Cynthia and let her know he’s walking home..”

“No,” Evan said quickly. “She’ll just yell at him. Let’s give him a night. Maybe he just needs to breathe and feel like he isn’t being treated like a child.”

“Evan,” Heidi said softly. “No one is trying to treat him like a child. Everyone is trying to keep him safe.”

Evan hung his head, feeling guilty for snapping. “I know. But I’m worried about him. If he starts to feel too... He might snap.”

Heidi nodded, rubbing Evan’s hand. “Okay. I won’t call Cynthia, but you have to PROMISE to let her or I know if Connor starts behaving.. differently, okay?”

Evan nodded. “I promise.”

~*~*~

Connor sat against his and Evan’s tree in the park. He’d wanted to go to the orchard, but the park was closer to home. He couldn’t be gone too long or he’d get the third degree from everyone. But he’d just needed some time alone. He’d needed to breath.

It had only been a month and he already felt like he was suffocating under the watchful eyes of everyone. Everyone was treating him like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode. Well, he would explode soon if everyone didn’t back off.

He dug into his pocket and pulled out a joint. His parents hadn’t found ALL of his stash when they’d cleaned. He took out his lighter, hesitated, then lit it. He inhaled the calming smoke, then blew it out.

He’d accidentally (haha, sure) discovered that weed calmed the nausea from his medicine. It was the only thing that helped so far – well, something else helped, too... He grimaced, shaking the thought away. 

He sat there until the joint was gone, then gave it another twenty minutes for the high to fully settle over him, and the smell to dissipate. He couldn’t go home smelling like weed.

Finally, he stood, sighing. He put his hood up, shivering against the cool summer breeze, and trudged home.

~*~*~

“Connor, I didn’t expect you home so soon. Did Mrs. Hansen drive you? I didn’t hear a car.”

Connor gritted his teeth, his mom’s third degree biting at his nerves. If not for the joint, he would have snapped at her.

“No, Evan walked me.”

“Oh, he could have spent the night,” Cynthia remarked. 

Connor paused, frowning. He had forgotten about inviting Evan over, but maybe it was for the best. He was feeling on edge tonight and he didn’t want to snap at Evan by accident.

“He has a doctor’s appointment in the morning. We’re gonna hang out after that.”

Cynthia nodded. “Okay, well, are you hungry? You know food in your stomach makes it easier with your pills.”

“I ate at Evan’s,” Connor gritted out. “I’m just tired. Can I go upstairs now, or are you going to keep grilling me like a child?”

Cynthia frowned. “Go rest. I’ll be up later for your nightly check.”

“Great,” Connor grunted, stomping upstairs. He refrained from slamming the door, though he wanted to. He knew slamming the door would just make his mom more suspicious. He sighed, slumping onto his bed. It felt empty and too big without Evan beside him.

**C: Home safe. Sorry for stomping out earlier. Just needed to breathe.**

Connor hit send, already feeling guilty for his behavior.

**E: It’s okay, I had a feeling. Did you still want me to come over?**

Connor felt tears prick his eyes. He did. He really, really did. But how could he explain to his mom that Evan was coming over, after he’d already lied about Evan having an early appointment?

**C: Rain check? Just need to sleep right now. This whole thing has sucked. Need to clear my mind.**

**E: Of course. Here when you need me. Sweet dreams. Love you.**

**C: Love you, too.**

Connor frowned. He really, really didn’t deserve Evan... He sent a black heart emoji, then rolled over and closed his eyes.


	6. Step Into the Sun Chapter 6

Morning had become Connor’s least favorite time of day. First, his mom would come in to his room and he’d have to stand there in nothing but his boxers while she checked his whole body for new cuts. Once she was satisfied, she’d go downstairs to give him the false sense of privacy while he dressed. He’d then go downstairs for breakfast, where she’d force him to eat way more food than he could stomach, despite how much he’d always hated breakfast – except when he was cooking it for Evan and Heidi.

After eating, she’d drop two pills in his hand and then he had to open his mouth to show he’d swallowed them. It was so humiliating and frustrating. 

“We have to leave in 15 minutes for Dr. Roland, okay?” She reminded him, asking it as if it were a question. Like he had a choice.

He rolled his eyes and excused himself, making his way calmly upstairs. He glanced up and down the hall, then went into the bathroom, closing and locking the door. He opened the toilet lid, glancing back to double check he had definitely locked the door. He spit the pills he had hidden under his tongue into his hand, dumped them down the toilet and flushed. He watched the pills swirl away, jaw clenched. He closed the toilet, washed his hands, and rinsed his mouth with mouthwash to get rid of the bitter aftertaste of the pills. 

He splashed cold water on his face, then slowly made his way back downstairs, where Cynthia was waiting. 

The car ride to the therapist was quiet. Cynthia kept trying to make conversation, but Connor only grunted in response. When they parked, Cynthia turned to face him.

“Connor, I know you aren’t happy with any of what’s happening, and I’m so sorry,” she said softly, taking his hand. “We’re just trying to help. I know you don’t like the rules and the medicine and the therapy, but we love you and we want to help you.”

“I know,” he replied softly, putting as much emotion into it as he could. “I have to go in now,” he said, pulling away and getting out of the car. He slumped into the office, feeling twitchy. This was going to be the hard part. Dr. Roland had this weird way of seeing right through him. He couldn’t get caught in any lies, couldn’t act different, couldn’t let on that he had stopped his medicine. If Dr. Roland thought for one second something was wrong, he’d make note of it in Connor’s file, and Connor would be back in in-patient treatment.

“Morning, Connor,” Dr. Roland greeted, when he finally came in and sat down. Connor just stared at him. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t understand why I need an extra session this week.”

“I know you don’t like these sessions, but I feel you made a break through this week, talking about Evan. And I want to keep that momentum going.”

Connor scowled. “Oh, goody.”

Dr. Roland chuckled. “Yes, I know, you just love sharing your feelings.”

Connor quirked a brow. “Yeah, sure, love it.”

“This WILL help, Connor, I promise.” Dr. Roland paused, taking in Connor’s body language, before continuing. “So, I want to talk about something that I know you aren’t going to like, but we need to. It’s very important, and could make the difference between your treatment plan being four months or six.”

Connor perked up a little. Anything to get this thing over this sooner rather than later.

“What you said the other day,” Dr. Roland said, “About not actually trying to kill yourself.”

Connor shifted uncomfortably, looking at the floor.

“Take your time, Connor. We’ll go at your pace with this, but we DO need to discuss it.”

They sat in silence for fifteen minutes, before Connor worked up the courage to speak. He actually DID want to discuss this, wanted to get the truth out there. Maybe everyone would lay off him if he did. He stared at the floor, unable to make eye contact with Dr. Roland for this.

“I don’t know what set me off this time,” he admitted. “Evan and I had a great night at our friend’s house, and everything was going good. I remember thinking, I had no good reason to be depressed that night. But I was for some reason. My brain kept telling me that everything was too good to be true, and it would all fall apart. I dunno, maybe I CAUSED it to fall apart. Maybe I self-destructed.”

Dr. Roland would normally interrupt a patient at this point, explain that you didn’t need a REASON to be depressed. It just happened sometimes. But he knew Connor, knew interrupting would shut him down. So, he just let him talk.

“My insomnia had been acting up for awhile at that point, and I knew that was bad. But I ignored it because... Because I had no reason for it to be acting up and no reason to be so depressed, when I had Evan and I had some actual friends, and things with my parents were actually going well... But I finally hit a wall. I was so tired and so.. I don’t know. I just needed to sleep. So, I took a sleeping pill.”

He paused, trembling. He hated talking about this, hated remembering it. 

“One led to another, because after awhile, one wasn’t enough. They made me groggy, so my dumbass brain told me Adderall was a good idea, to counter that. It was just a... a bad decision, obviously. And the cutting.. I mean... I don’t know. Cutting was never about trying to kill myself. It was the opposite, actually. It reminded me I was alive, and it was a release when I didn’t know how else to release the... whatever...”

Connor put his head in his hands, taking deep breaths. This was the most honest he’d ever been about his feelings, his depression, and his state of mind. He didn’t know why he was actually talking about it, but it felt good to. He hadn’t even discussed this with Evan yet.

“I knew I was spiraling, but I couldn’t stop it. The night that I... I had snapped at Evan and I felt like shit. I thought I’d lost him, that he’d never forgive me for the things I’d said. He was the ONE good thing I had going, and I couldn’t deal with that. So.. I cut for the release, and then I took the pills so I could sleep and forget what I’d said and done. But...”

He paused, shrugging. He was shaking like a leaf now, fighting back tears. He didn’t want to cry in front of Dr. Roland. He closed his eyes and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. He took a minute to compose himself, then continued.

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I didn’t mean to take that many pills or cut right before taking them. I was just... exhausted. And upset.”

Dr. Roland waited ten minutes before speaking. He wanted to make sure Connor was done talking, didn’t want to interrupt when he’d finally gotten Connor to open up.

“Connor.” He waited until Connor was looking up at him before speaking again. “Connor, I believe you.

Dr. Roland had been a therapist for twenty years. He’d seen and heard a lot. But the look Connor gave him – the look of shock and relief – almost broke him.

~*~*~

Twenty minutes later, Connor emerged into the sunlight and got back into the car with his mom. He had his hood up and his hair pushed forward so she couldn’t see he’d been crying.

“Where to?”

“Can you drop me at Evan’s?”

“Sure!”

They drove in silence. When Connor got out of the car, Cynthia called out for him to stay in touch. He waved her off and watched her drive away before knocking on the door.

Heidi answered. Connor was surprised she was home.

“Is Evan okay?” He asked frantically.

“Of course he is,” Heidi said, surprised. She stepped aside to let Connor in. “Why wouldn’t he be?”

“Oh... I was just.. I was surprised to see you home, I thought – I thought something had happened.”

Heidi frowned at him. “No, I just have a late shift today. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Connor nodded, looking at the floor, shame in his eyes. “I’m sorry for how I spoke to you yesterday. I was just...”

“Feeling overwhelmed?” Heidi asked. When Connor nodded, still refusing to make eye contact with her, she leaned in and hugged him. At first, Connor tried to pull away, but then he melted into it. It always surprised him how safe he felt with Heidi. Everything – the last month, hell, the last three months - hit him all at once, and he sobbed into her arms, legs shaking. She pulled him to the couch and sat him down, letting him get it all out.

When he was done, he pulled away and stared at his hands, feeling embarrassed. She rubbed his back.

“It’s okay, Connor,” she said softly. “It’s okay.”

He nodded, letting his hair curtain his face so he could swipe the tears away.

“Evan is upstairs, but I’m here if you need to talk.”

Connor mumbled a thanks, slinking up the stairs, heading for Evan’s room. Evan looked up from his phone when Connor entered. Connor didn’t give him a chance to speak, just kicked his shoes off and collapsed next to him on his bed, curling his body around Evan, snuggling close and closing his eyes. He was exhausted, drained. He didn’t want to talk, just wanted to sleep. Evan opened his mouth, shut it, then wrapped his arms around Connor and held him. He could feel Connor shaking with silent tears, so he kissed the top of his head over and over, letting him get it out. After several minutes, he felt Connor’s shaking stop. His breathing deepened and he started to snore softly.

Evan kept kissing his head and rubbing his arms. He didn’t want to stop and risk waking Connor. He didn’t move even when the arm Connor was laying on started to go numb. He just ignored it and enjoyed the feel of his boyfriend beside him. Something had clearly upset him, and all that mattered was that Evan was there to comfort him, just as Connor had comforted Evan last fall.

At some point, Heidi poked her head in to check on them, and Evan waved her off before she could speak and wake Connor. Heidi nodded, tip-toeing away.

It was late afternoon, almost evening, before Connor stirred, sitting up and rubbing sleep from his eyes. He glanced at Evan, looking embarrassed.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“For what?” Evan asked, startled. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I, uh, drooled on your shirt,” he admitted sheepishly. And slept for..” He glanced at his phone, eyes going wide. “THREE HOURS??? Why didn’t you wake me??”

Evan shrugged. “Seemed like you needed it.”

Connor looked down, playing with a loose string on Evan’s blanket.

“Do you wanna talk about it? We don’t have to, obviously.”

Connor shook his head. “I really don’t. Is it okay if I stay over tonight?”

“Fine with me,” Evan said immediately. He knew his mom wouldn’t care, either. “Just let your mom know so she doesn’t worry.”

Connor rolled his eyes, but texted Cynthia anyway. Once he had a definite yes from her, he put his phone down and glanced up at Evan, who was sitting cross-legged beside him now, smiling at him. Evan opened his mouth to say something, but his stomach rumbled – loudly.

“Sorry,” he blushed.

Connor shook his head and laughed. “Only you would apologize for being hungry.”

Evan blushed harder as Connor kissed him. 

“Why don’t we go out to dinner? We haven’t done that in awhile,” Connor said suddenly. “Like an actual date.”

Evan grinned, nodding. “Yeah, let’s go.”

They threw their shoes on and made their way downstairs.

“Hey, boys,” Heidi said, looking up from her computer. “I’m leaving for class soon, then work after, but I left money in case you want to order dinner.”

“Actually, we’re gonna go out to eat, I think,” Evan replied.

Heidi picked the money up from the table and held it out to them. “Sure, here. This one’s on me,” she said with a smile.

Evan took it and pocketed it. “Oh, and Connor’s spending the night, Mrs. Murphy already said yes,” he yelled over his shoulder as they made their way out the door. He heard Heidi saying that was fine just as the door closed behind them. 

“Where did you want to go?” Evan asked Connor.

Connor shrugged. “That diner we like is fine. Doesn’t have to be fancy, just OUT.”

“Oh, like you?”

“First of all, that was cheesy. Second of all, I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not,” Connor huffed, giving Evan his best annoyed face before breaking into a grin.

Evan shrugged, grinning back at him. They arrived at the diner a few minutes later, settling in across from each other in a booth. 

“You eat like a five year old, you realize that, right?” Evan asked Connor after they’d ordered.

“Hey, chicken fingers are an essential food group. Plus, they have chicken in them, so they’re healthy,” Connor argued.

“Right, keep telling yourself that,” Evan said with an eye roll, sipping his soda.

“What?” Connor demanded. “They are! Chicken is protein, it’s healthy!” Evan snickered at him, so Connor stuck his tongue out at him.

“See? You’re such a five year old,” Evan teased. He started picking at his cuticles, something he only did when he was feeling particularly anxious.

Connor reached out and grabbed his hand, holding tight. “Hey, stop that. What’s wrong?”

Evan shrugged. “I dunno. Don’t give me that look, I really don’t know.”

Connor frowned, thinking back on his state of mind That Night. He hadn’t had any good reason for how he’d felt, either. He almost said that to Evan, hoping to make him feel better. But he didn’t want to bring the night tumbling down, so he refrained. Instead, he rubbed circles into Evan’s hand until their food came, letting go reluctantly so they could eat. 

About halfway through their meal, Evan stood up and went to Connor’s side of the booth, forcing Connor to move in so he could sit. He grabbed his plate and pulled it closer, going back to eating his burger without saying a word.

Connor stared at him for a minute, blinking in confusion, then shrugged and leaned into him, smiling happily as he ate his chicken fingers.

“I’m stuffed,” Evan said when they were done, leaning back so his head was on Connor’s shoulder. “Want dessert?”

“I thought YOU were dessert?” Connor asked with a suggestive grin. Evan blushed. Connor put his hand on Evan’s leg, trailing it up, up, up...

“Connor!” Evan whimpered, staring at him wide-eyed, then looking frantically around the diner to make sure no one had noticed.

Connor snickered, but backed off. “Still want dessert?”

Evan looked all around again, finally making eye contact with their waitress. He held his hand up. “Check please!”


	7. Step Into the Sun Chapter 7

Connor woke up around 10pm, feeling jittery and trapped – something he hadn’t felt in a long time. Evan was asleep beside him. He didn’t want to wake him, so he quietly snuck out of bed and dressed. He left a note on his pillow just in case, then stepped carefully down the stairs, skipping the one that squeaked. He closed the door gently, locked it with the key he’d never given back to Evan all those months before, and walked. 

It was a warm July night. The air had that electric smell to it, like it was about to rain. He made his way to the park, pulled out a joint and lit up. He exhaled, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the tree, the tension finally leaving his body.

“Murphy?”

Startled, Connor opened his eyes and looked up. Shit. 

“Kleinman? What are you doing here?”

“Walking home from work... Not that it’s any of your business.” He paused, then pointed at the joint in Connor’s hand. “Thought you weren’t supposed to do that anymore?”

“Don’t tell anyone, okay?” Connor asked, his voice shaking a little. “Just... needed it, you know?

Jared nodded. “Yeah, I get that. But...”

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” Connor said firmly. “Please, Jared.”

Jared looked surprised – it was the first time Connor had used his first name, instead of calling him Kleinman. He wasn’t sure what made him do it, but he sat down across from Connor and held his hand out for the joint.

Connor hesitated but handed it over. Jared inhaled, then handed it back to him. 

“So, don’t tell anyone? Or just don’t tell Evan?”

Connor scowled. “Anyone. But especially Evan. He... wouldn’t understand. He’d worry.”

Jared nodded. “Well, I’m no expert with this kinda shit, but I’d say lying to your boyfriend is a BAD thing.”

“Yeah, I know,” Connor mumbled, looking down and inhaling again.

“So... Maybe, I don’t know, you shouldn’t?”

“Sure, I’ll go back to his place right now and tell him I smoked a joint,” Connor said calmly, nodding. “Seems like a great idea.”

“Sarcasm, meet Connor Murphy.”

Connor chuckled, shaking his head. 

“Seriously, dude,” Jared said, shrugging. “Probably not a good idea to mix whatever shit you’re on with that, just saying.”

Connor looked up sharply. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“Well... I’m just taking a guess, but I’m thinking you’re on ‘don’t kill yourself’ pills, and that shit doesn’t mix well with weed.”

“What makes you think I’m on meds for that shit?” Connor demanded.

Jared shrugged. “Just a guess based on the rumors I heard and the things Evan WOULDN’T tell me. I might be a douchebag but I’m not stupid.”

“Not really your business,” Connor snarled.

“M’kay, fair,” Jared admitted. “But I thought maybe, just maybe, we had kind of become friends, possibly. And again, I know I can be a GIANT asshole when I want to be – I’m rather proud of that fact, actually – but I DO try to care a little bit about the people I consider friends – but if you tell anyone that, I’ll kill you.”

Connor perked up. “Really?”

“Connor, no,” Jared rolled his eyes. “But also yes.”

Connor snorted. “Yeah, well, whatever. I’m fine, so...”

“So either you’re not taking your meds or you have a death wish. Or probably both, since you’re you.”

Connor’s eyes widened in panic for just a second before he quickly looked away.

“Shit, dude,” Jared grimaced. “Let me guess, not taking your meds isn’t doctor approved?”

“Shut up,” Connor grumbled. “Truly, Kleinman, I WILL kill you if you-“

“I won’t tell anyone,” Jared said, putting his hands up defensively. “Not my place, clearly. But be careful, man, you’re really walking a fine line here. And you’re risking losing a lot more than just Evan.” He stood and walked away without another word.

Connor watched him go, scowling. He hated that Jared was right. Fuck. He sighed, stubbing the joint out in the grass and laying his head back against the tree again. 

He gave it another twenty minutes, then started walking. He hoped that would be enough time to get the smell of weed to dissipate. 

He crept back in to Evan’s house and made his way upstairs. He was relieved to see Evan was still asleep. He crumpled his note up, stripped off his clothes and climbed back into bed, facing Evan, who must have sensed movement. He rolled over in his sleep and threw his arm over Connor, snuggling close and sighing contentedly.

Connor smiled softly, kissing Evan on the forehead and wrapping an arm around him. He closed his eyes, trying to quiet his mind long enough to fall asleep again.

~*~*~

When Evan woke up, he was in Connor’s arms. He smiled, trying to pull away carefully so he didn’t wake him, but Connor stirred, returning Evan’s smile.

“Hi.”

“Morning,” Evan replied, rubbing his fingers through Connor’s messy hair. “Sleep well?”

“Mhm,” Connor replied, yawning and stretching. “Like a baby. You?”

Evan forced himself to keep smiling. “I was next to you, of course I slept well.”

Connor grinned, leaning in to kiss Evan. “Good. Your mom isn’t home yet, right?”

Evan shook his head. Connor gave him another kiss. “Good, cause I need a shower.” He stood, climbing out of bed in all his naked glory. “Wanna join me?”

“Um, not this time,” Evan said hesitantly. When Connor frowned at him, Evan scrambled for an excuse. “It didn’t end well last time, remember?” He forced a laugh.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Fine, party pooper.”

Once his back was turned, Evan’s smile fell as he watched Connor walk away, concern etched into his frown. He knew Connor had left late last night; he had been half awake when he felt Connor leave, and had only pretended to be asleep when he’d come back. He could have confronted Connor last night, but this behavior - coupled with other things - had him worried. He had hoped Connor would tell him where he’d gone without him prodding, but it was clear he wasn’t going to talk.

Evan knew this was the kind of behavior Heidi had insisted he tell her or the Murphy’s about, but he was hesitant. What if Connor just couldn’t sleep, and needed fresh air? What if Evan was worrying over nothing? If he went to the adults, if he expressed his concerns, they’d confront Connor, and then Evan would lose him for sure.


	8. Step Into the Sun Chapter 8

It had been two weeks since Connor had stopped taking his meds. The drugs were starting to leave his system and he was feeling more agitated than ever. He tried his best to keep it inside, to hide how he was feeling, so no one worried or suspected anything was wrong. 

One day after therapy, he had his mom drop him off at Evan’s. Evan hadn’t been answering his texts and he was worried. He knocked on the front door, but no one answered. He turned the knob and the door swung open. He stepped inside, closing it behind him.

“Evan?” he called. No answer. “Ev?” His voice shook as he ran upstairs. When he got to Evan’s room, he stumbled to a stop, eyes wide at the sight of Evan on the floor, leaning against the bed, curled into himself, having a full-blown panic attack – the first he could remember Evan having in a long time.

“Evan!” He ran to the anxious boy’s side, falling to his knees beside him. He reached a hand out and Evan jumped at the sudden contact, eyes wide and startled. When he realized it was Connor, he let out a chocked sob and threw himself into his boyfriend’s arms, sobbing into his shirt.

Connor wrapped his arms around Evan, rocking him and shushing him, placing gentle kisses on his head. It took twenty minutes for Connor to calm Evan down. His sobs eased and his breathing slowed. His heart was still pounding a mile a minute.

“What happened, Ev?” Connor asked, pulling away long enough to swipe a finger under Evan’s eyes, brushing his tears away. “Talk to me.”

“I-I d-don’t know,” Evan sobbed. “N-nothing in particular s-set m-me off. I really d-don’t know..” He hung his head, face splotchy from crying.

Connor frowned. “That’s been happening a lot lately,” he said, thinking back to that night at the diner when Evan had been picking at his cuticles.

“I’m sorry,” Evan groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“Why are you sorry?” Connor asked, startled.

“B-because I’m... l-I’m l-like this... B-because... Because I don’t know why I’m having a p-panic attack, I don’t know why t-this is happening. I’m... I’m a m-mess and I-I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Connor said firmly, pulling Evan’s face out of his hands so he would look right at Connor. This was it. This was the perfect moment to finally admit to Evan that he had felt the same way all those months ago, to explain that he hadn’t actually been trying to kill himself. He hadn’t wanted to bring down their date by mentioning it, but now felt... right. Evan needed to hear it, needed to know he wasn’t alone.

“Ev.. Sometimes... Sometimes, there’s no reason for it. Sometimes, it just hits you,” he finally said. “That...” He cleared his throat, looking down. “That’s what happened to me.”

“W-what?” Evan asked, startled. 

Connor looked up at him again, squeezing his hand. “That night... It.. I don’t know what set me off,” he finally admitted. “Nothing in particular had happened, I just... felt sad. Which sounds fucking pathetic. But... I was. No reason for it. Everything in my life was good for once – you, things with my family. It just.. it happens sometimes, you know? You don’t have to have a REASON to be depressed, or a reason why a panic attack hits when it does. It’s.. a chemical thing, you know?”

Evan frowned. He hadn’t ever wanted to push Connor to talk about That Night, but he was glad he finally was. He gripped Connor’s hand tighter.

“I..” Connor sighed. “Shit, Ev. This shouldn’t be about me right now, it’s about you. Are YOU okay?”

“I’m fine,” Evan said quickly. “Please, Connor, talk to me.”

Connor sighed, leaning back against the bed, curling in on himself a little bit. He refused to meet Evan’s eyes as he told Evan everything he had told Dr. Roland, including the part about not actually trying to kill himself, and his fear that no one would believe him. Evan listened patiently, never interrupting. When Connor was done, he glanced sideways at Evan through the curtain of his hair, heart beating fast, picking at his nail polish anxiously. 

“I believe you, Connor,” Evan said gently, leaning in and kissing him softly before pulling back and taking his hand. It was a small gesture, but it undid Connor. He felt like all he did lately was cry, but he couldn’t help himself. He fell into Evan, burying his face in Evan’s shirt and letting the tears flow. Evan believed him. Evan still loved him.

~*~*~

“I’m so proud of you, Connor,” Dr. Roland said with a smile, after Connor told him about finally opening up to Evan about That Night, how he’d told his story and Evan had believed him. “See? Sometimes, you just need to open up to people. They CAN surprise you.”

Connor nodded, smiling, his lip trembling. It was the first time he’d genuinely smiled while in therapy.

“You’re making progress. I’m really happy for you, Connor.”

Connor felt his smile fall from his face and he broke eye contact with Dr. Roland. He wouldn’t be saying that if he knew...

“What is it?”

Connor felt his hands shaking. “I just... people rarely tell me they’re proud of me, so...” He cleared his throat. “I mean, my parents have a couple times now, but... Before that...”

“Well, you’re doing well. And that’s something to be proud of.”

Connor frowned, looking down. He shouldn’t.. He knew he shouldn’t. But.. He needed to tell someone, needed someone to understand. But.. what would happen if he admitted the truth?

“I... I’m not...” Connor finally mumbled, glancing up at Dr. Roland before quickly looking back down, picking at his nail polish.

“Why do you say that?” Dr. Roland asked, brow furrowed.

Connor trembled. His brain was screaming at him to shut up. If he did this, if he admitted the truth, he didn’t know what the consequences would be... What if they sent him back to in-patient treatment?

He stood suddenly, pacing the room. “Nothing. I’m... You’re right, I‘m doing fine. Just... Can I go now?”

“No,” Dr. Roland said firmly. “Something is clearly agitating you.”

Connor kept pacing. He couldn’t sit still. “I’m fine... Just... You know, once in awhile... But.. But you said yourself, once in awhile I’d have bad days... But once in awhile, so..”

Dr. Roland frowned at him. “Connor, sit.”

Connor shook his head, feeling like a caged animal. “I can’t.”

“Can’t sit? Or can’t admit what’s bothering you?”

Connor hesitated. “Both,” he finally mumbled.

“Connor,” Dr. Roland said gently. Connor finally stopped pacing and stared at him, panic in his eyes. “Connor, this is a safe space. You can talk to me.”

“But, see, it’s not. Because... Because...” Connor huffed, feeling his chest tighten. His legs were shaking so hard, he collapsed to the floor, bringing his knees to his chest and resting his head on them. He tried to take deep breaths, but he felt like his vision was tunneling.

“Connor, you need to breathe normally or you’re going to pass out.”

Connor jumped. Dr. Roland’s voice was so close. He looked up, and the therapist was right in front of him, eyes filled with warmth and concern. 

“I need you to take a deep breath and talk to me.”

Connor shook his head, burying his face in his knees again. “You’ll send me back.”

“Send you back where?”

Connor shook his head again, refusing to speak. 

“Connor, send you back WHERE?” Dr. Roland kept his voice calm but firm.

“In-patient treatment,” Connor finally choked out. 

“Why would we do that?”

“Because... because...” Connor shook his head harder this time. He should never, ever have opened his mouth. Should never have gone down this road. He would lose EVERYTHING. He would lose his freedom. He would lose his family’s trust. He would lose Evan.

“Connor, look at me.”

Connor finally looked up at him again, startled by the demand in his voice.

“Everyone has set backs, Connor,” Dr. Roland said firmly. “Having one doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get sent back to in-patient treatment. But you need to tell me what happened.”

“You’ll tell my parents,” Connor sobbed, unable to stop the tears. 

“I might have to,” Dr. Roland agreed. “But it depends on the situation. So you need to talk to me.”

Connor tried to take a breath, to steady himself, but his chest hurt and he couldn’t. Dr. Roland didn’t say anything for a few minutes, just remained by his side until he could compose himself.

“Connor,” Dr. Roland finally said.

It was too late to deny it. So, Connor sniffled and, without looking up, mumbled, “I stopped taking my medicine.”

Dr. Roland was silent for a long time before finally asking, “When did you stop taking it?”

“Two weeks ago,” he mumbled.

Dr. Roland nodded, sighing. “Connor, look at me.”

Connor hesitated, but finally looked up.

“While this isn’t the worst set-back, I WILL have to tell your parents. But.. I’m also going to make a note that I don’t feel you need to go back to in-patient treatment because of this.”

“I... What?” That was the last thing he had expected. “But... I thought..”

“Connor, you’ve made immense progress. You’ve been doing so well, and I think you can continue to do well. You WILL have to go back on the medicine, though. But I think if you do and stick to it this time, you won’t lose any progress. You may even still qualify to finish the program in four months instead of six, if you continue making progress.”

Connor’s mouth fell open in shock. He couldn’t believe it... An adult who didn’t treat him like a child for making a mistake.. 

Oh. But his parents would. Especially his dad. They’d double down on their rules and restrictions. He’d lose their trust. They might even stop letting him have alone time with Evan. They might feel he needed their supervision at all times instead. A new fear crossed his mind – what if they made him stop seeing Evan all together? A fresh wave of fear and panic hit him, and he started trembling again.

“Connor, what is it? I thought you’d be relieved.”

Connor shook his head, fighting to get his words out again. 

“Connor, talk to me,” Dr. Roland said firmly.

It took a few tries, but Connor finally looked up at Dr. Roland. “My parents... T-they’ll just think it’s like the last time. They’ll... They’ll never take this as a slip-up. It’ll be another dumbass mistake I’ve made, a failure. They’ll...” He hung his head. “Who knows what they’ll do? They won’t trust me again. They’ll probably take away more of my freedom. Make more rules. And Evan... They might not let me see him...” He started shaking again.

Dr. Roland frowned. He knew Connor well enough by now, knew that if his parents reacted as he feared they would, he’d withdraw further into himself, that he WOULD lose the progress he’d made. This was a boy who valued his freedom, who didn’t like feeling chained or caged. The smallest things caused him to throw his walls up. Few patients affected him the way Connor did. But he felt for this boy, who had struggled for so long to let others in, and was finally trying. He refused to watch everything Connor had worked hard for disappear because of one stupid set back.

“I’ll talk to your parents, Connor,” he promised.

Connor looked startled, like he couldn’t believe someone was on his side for once. 

“R-really?”

Dr. Roland nodded. “Yes. I... This isn’t something I would normally do. But I believe in you and the progress you’ve made so far. So, I won’t submit this to the head of your program. This will stay between your parents and us. As long as it only happens this one time, and you agree to take your medicine from now on.”

Connor felt like someone had punched him. He couldn’t believe this therapist was treating him like an adult, not like a screw-up who had no hope. 

“I’m going to call your parents and have them come in for a discussion tomorrow morning, alright? You can be here, if you’d like. Or not, if you prefer I talk to them alone.”

“I...” Connor blinked, shocked again by this man’s kindness. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you treating me like... like...”

“An adult? A human being? A person who made a mistake but deserves a second chance?” Dr. Roland shrugged, smiling kindly. “I don’t know. I guess I’m rooting for you. Don’t make me regret it.”

Connor nodded. “T-thank you. Um...” He hesitated. “I’d... I’d rather not be here when you talk to them. My dad tends to... Well, it’s best if I’m not here.”

Dr. Roland nodded, making a mental note of this. From all his discussions with Connor over the last few weeks, it seemed Larry was the one with the hot temper, the one he would have to be especially careful with. He had a feeling Larry would be the kind of person to say one thing to his face, then go home and treat Connor the opposite way. And it was VERY crucial he convinced both Larry and Cynthia NOT to make any drastic behavioral changes or rule changes. The way they handled this setback would make or break Connor and his journey.

“Once I’ve spoken to your parents, you and I will have to have an extra session to discuss our plans for going forward. I’m assuming there was a reason you stopped the medicine?” 

Connor looked down, red with shame.

“Right. So, once I’ve spoken to your parents, you and I will talk. We’ll figure out our next move together.”

“Together?”

“Well, it’s your life, Connor. You should have a say in how things proceed.”

Connor’s mouth dropped open. No adult had ever treated him like.. like an equal before, especially where his life choices were concerned. He couldn’t find the words to express how grateful he was, so he just nodded his thanks, trying to convey with his eyes how much it meant to him to have someone on his side for once in his life. Dr. Roland nodded back, smiling.


	9. Step Into the Sun Chapter 9

Connor couldn’t face an entire car ride with Cynthia after how emotionally draining his session had been, even if it was emotionally draining in a GOOD way. He knew she’d try to ask him what happened, and he didn’t want to talk about it, not until after Dr. Roland had spoken to her and Larry. 

He took a deep breath and texted her, begging to be allowed to walk to Evan’s. He promised to check in once there, and even told her she could text Evan for confirmation that he was there. He even joked that he’d send her a selfie of them together.

He watched the little text bubble appear, watched as she typed her response, his heart pounding. He needed this... 

Her yes caused him to deflate with relief. He texted a thank you and a heart emoji, then texted Evan to let him know he’d see him soon. Evan sent a blue heart emoji in response. Connor hadn’t felt this weightless in a long time. He practically ran to Evan’s, gasping for air as he knocked. 

“Are you okay?” Evan asked, startled, when he opened the door to find Connor looking flushed and sweaty.

Connor nodded, panting a little. He shoved Evan gently into the house, letting the door swing shut behind them. He led his sweet boy to the couch and collapsed, struggling to catch his breath.

“Connor??” Evan asked, eyes wide, heart pounding with worry.

“Ran here,” he finally gasped out. “Was anxious to see you.”

“Why?” Evan demanded, voice shaking. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Connor shrugged, his breathing slowly going back to normal. “Just had to do this.” And he leaned in and kissed Evan, grinning.

Evan stared, open-mouthed, at him. “You know you scared the crap out of me, right? I thought something was wrong!”

“Nope,” Connor smiled. “ Only thing wrong was I wasn’t with you a few minutes ago. Now I am.”

“Connor...” Evan swallowed thickly, biting his lip.

“What?” Connor asked, frowning.

Evan hesitated. He didn’t want to bring up bad memories or re-open old wounds, but Connor’s behavior... It reminded him of his mood back when he’d been cutting and doing drugs...

“Are you... Okay?” Evan asked, instead of saying all that.

“I...” Connor paused. He felt like this was the moment to admit to Evan that he had stopped his medicine. This was the moment to tell him what had happened at his therapy session. But he hesitated. He still didn’t know how things would go tomorrow with Dr. Roland and his parents. He didn’t know if they would pull the rug out from under him again, punish him for his failure. Didn’t know if he’d ever get to see Evan again after this. He wanted to make tonight count. 

“I’m fine, just had a good day is all,” he finally said, pulling Evan close and setting his camera up for a selfie. Evan looked unsure at first, then settled back against Connor and smiled up at the camera. Connor snapped the pic, loving how adorable it had turned out. He sent it to Cynthia – proof he was where he said he would be.

**Cynthia: You two look adorable! But do you know why Dr. Roland wants to speak with your father and I tomorrow morning?**

Connor gulped. What was he supposed to say? 

“Connor?” Evan asked cautiously. He was still leaning into Connor’s side and could see the text from Cynthia. He hadn’t meant to snoop. But now that he had... He frowned in worry.

Connor quickly pocketed his phone without answering Cynthia.

“It’s just a check-in,” he lied to Evan. “Just to update them, that’s all.”

“So... Why don’t you tell your mom that?” 

Connor shrugged. “Let’s just order food and watch a movie, okay?”

Evan frowned, but nodded. “Pizza?”

“You know me too well,” Connor said with a grin.

~*~*~

They were halfway through pizza and a movie when Heidi got home.

“Hey, boys,” she called as she hung her bag up and came into the room.

Evan had been lying with his head in Connor’s lap. At the sound of his mother’s voice, he scrambled to sit up and put space between them. Heidi fought an eye roll. 

“I didn’t know you were coming over, Connor,” she said instead, crossing her arms. “Do your parents know where you are?”

Connor nodded, “Sorry we didn’t run it by you, too,” he hung his head, hoping she wasn’t going to make him leave. 

“It’s fine, no worries,” she said with a nod. “Spending the night?”

“If you don’t mind,” he asked quietly, taking Evan’s hand for strength. He felt immediate relief when Evan squeezed his hand back.

“Fine with me as long as it’s fine with your parents,” Heidi replied. “I’m gonna go to bed. Behave,” she added firmly, wagging her finger at them, before heading upstairs.

Connor grimaced, using his free hand to check his phone. He had about ten more messages – and even a few missed calls – from Cynthia. He sighed, shaking his head. He took his hand back from Evan so he could text her.

**Connor: Sorry, my phone was on silent and Evan and I were watching a movie. I don’t know what Dr. Roland wants. Probably just checking in. Can I stay at Evan’s tonight? His mom said yes.**

Cynthia’s response took forever. Connor’s heart sank when he read it.

**Cynthia: I don’t know if I want you away from home tonight. Dr. Roland said you don’t have to be there tomorrow but your father and I would like to talk to you before we meet with him tomorrow.**

Connor felt his chest tighten. He dropped his phone to the couch so quickly, anyone watching would think his phone had electrocuted him or something. His gut instinct to reach for his wrists, to play with his bracelets and scars was strong. The urge to cut was strong. Evan noticed his hands fidgeting and grabbed them.

“Hey,” he said softly, trying to get Connor to look at him, but he refused. “Connor, hey, what’s up?”

Connor shook his head. “N-nothing. She just doesn’t want me to stay over and I... I really can’t go home tonight. I can’t deal them until tomorrow. Not until after-“ He shook his head, trying to focus on the feel of Evan beside him, of Evan’s hands holding his.

Evan forced Connor’s chin up, forced him to make eye contact. “Okay, okay, it’s okay. You can stay tonight, okay? You don’t have to go home.”

“But.. she said no. And your mom will never let me stay if..” He pulled away from Evan, trembling. “She’ll come and get me if I don’t go home.”

Evan stood, holding his hands out in a placating gesture. “Stay here, okay? Just stay here for a minute, please? Promise me? Connor?”

Connor nodded. Evan ran upstairs. He was gone for almost ten minutes. Connor was starting to get that horrible anxious, caged feeling. He was ready to flee when Evan came running back downstairs.

“Okay, we’re all good. You can stay. Your mom agreed.”

“I.. what?” Connor asked, startled.

“I spoke to my mom and she called yours. You can stay over.”

“But... how? What did you tell your mom?” He sounded slightly frantic. “What did she tell my mom?” His phone beeped, and he paled, mouth dry. Shaking, he read the message.

**Cynthia: Have fun tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow after the appointment.**

Connor glanced from his phone to Evan, a question in his eyes.

“It doesn’t matter, she agreed, okay? You’re okay, Connor. I promise you’re okay.”

Connor slumped back into the couch, nodding.


	10. Step Into the Sun Chapter 10

When Evan woke up the next morning, Connor wasn’t beside him. He sat up, frowning. Connor’s clothes and shoes were still scattered on his floor, so he couldn’t have gone far.. Evan stood, checking the bathroom first. He wasn’t there. He made his way downstairs. Connor wasn’t in the living room, or the kitchen. Evan was starting to panic when he realized the door leading to the back yard was cracked open.

Evan quickly made his way to the back door, poking his head outside.

“Connor- Oh...”

Connor jumped, trying to hide the joint in his hand, but it was too late; even if Evan hadn’t seen it, he could smell it.

“Evan.. I...”

Evan just shook his head, lip trembling, and went back inside, letting the door slam.

“Fuck,” Connor groaned, stubbing the joint out and quickly scrambling after Evan.

“Evan, please!” he called, running to catch Evan as he reached the living room. He tried to escape up the stairs, but Connor grabbed his arm, pulling him back.

Evan pulled free, crossing his arms. Tears welled in his eyes. “I thought you weren’t doing that anymore. I thought you were doing better.”

“I AM,” Connor insisted, shaking his head to clear it.

“You’re clearly not if you’re smoking again,” Evan’s lip trembled. “Please tell me this is the first time you’ve slipped. Please.”

Connor opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, then looked down guiltily.

Evan gritted his teeth, turning on his heel and running upstairs.

“Evan!” Connor called, running to follow him. He tripped on his pajama bottoms, slamming his knee into the stairs. “Fuck!” He gritted his teeth against the pain, getting up and hurrying after Evan. He reached Evan’s door just as Evan slammed it shut. Connor pushed the door open.

“Evan, please, please, let me explain,” Connor begged.

“I can’t talk to you right now,” Evan said firmly, sitting at his desk with his back to Connor. He refused to turn around.

Connor stared at Evan’s back, mouth open, shocked and hurt. Evan had never refused to listen to him or let him explain. Why was this time any different? If Evan had caught him cutting, maybe he’d understand. But it had just been a joint...

“Fine,” Connor mumbled, his walls going up. “Fine.” He changed out of his pajamas and into his clothes. He quickly tied his shoes and grabbed his phone from Evan’s charger. He silenced it and pocketed it. He walked to Evan’s door, opened his mouth to try one more time, but decided it wasn’t worth it and walked out, letting the door slam behind him.

Evan sat at his desk, shaking with silent tears. Maybe he was being unfair, but didn’t Connor understand how scared he was? He was terrified Connor was doing more than smoking, especially with his increasingly erratic behavior the last few weeks. It had all been little things, but if you added the little things up...

Evan scrunched his face up, taking a deep breath and letting it out. He knew he was being ridiculous and unfair. Connor deserved a chance to explain. He stood quickly and ran after him.

“Connor, wait!” he called, just as the front door slammed. He scrambled down the stairs and yanked the door open, but Connor was already halfway down the street. “Shit... CONNOR, COME BACK!” 

Connor didn’t pause or turn, just kept walking. Evan tried to run after him – only to realize he was barefoot and, though it was early morning, the July pavement was already hot.

“Shit shit shit,” Evan yelped, jumping back up the steps. “CONNOR!”

But Connor was gone. Evan slammed the door and ran upstairs, grabbing his phone and calling him. But he didn’t pick up. He tried texting several times, tried calling again. Nothing. Evan slumped at his desk, head in his hands.

~*~*~

Connor had no idea where he was going. If he went to his usual haunts, Evan would find him. He didn’t want to be found. He was shaking so hard, he wasn’t even sure how his legs hadn’t collapsed from under him. 

He suddenly stopped, looking around, shocked at where he had ended up. But it was definitely the last place anyone would look for him. He went to the door and knocked.

When the door swung open, a shocked face greeted him.

“Uh.... Hi?” Jared said

“Can I come in?”

“Would it stop you if I said no?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Forget it.” He turned to leave.

“Wait,” Jared said. He moved aside and, hesitantly, Connor walked in. They went down to the basement. Jared sat at the desk, and Connor slumped onto the couch.

“So...?”

“Remember when you said we had maybe, kind of, become friends?” Connor asked, staring up at the ceiling.

Jared shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Well... I maybe kind of need you to be a friend and let me just crash here. I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

Jared was tempted to ask what was wrong, but decided not to. “Cool, fine.” He went back to playing his video game, leaving Connor to his thoughts.

~*~*~

Six hours passed and no one heard from Connor. He wasn’t at the park or the orchard, or his house or Evan’s. He wasn’t anywhere he usually went. Cynthia, Larry, Zoe, Evan and Heidi had gathered at the Murphy’s. 

“Should we call the police? We should call the police,” Cynthia said frantically.

“It’s only been six hours, they won’t consider him missing,” Larry said firmly, pacing the living room. 

“But he could be a danger to himself, won’t they consider that?” Heidi asked, holding Cynthia, who was sobbing.

“They might,” Larry agreed. “But I don’t think we should do anything just yet.”

“That’s always your answer, Larry. Do nothing! What if he’s hurt? What if he’s-“ Cynthia choked back a sob, burying her face in Heidi’s shoulder.

“Evan, what exactly happened?” Heidi asked, looking to Evan, who was curled into himself on the couch. Zoe sat beside him, an arm around his shoulder.

Evan was staring at the floor, pale as a ghost, looking like he was two seconds away from breaking down.

“Evan.”

Evan jumped, looking up at Larry, who stood before him.

“Evan, what happened?” Larry demanded.

“He.. I...” Evan took a breath and quickly filled them in on what had happened, trying to be as detailed as possible. When he was done, he dropped his head into his hands. “I was so stupid, I shouldn’t have gotten so mad at him. But I was so worried...He’s been behaving so weird.. A-and I know- I know I should have told y-you sooner, but I was... I was just... I thought maybe he was just upset about all the rules and everything and he just needed time to adjust. I swear, I never thought... I’m so sorry...”

Zoe rubbed his back gently.

“Evan...” Larry hesitated. “Connor stopped taking his medicine two weeks ago. That’s why he was behaving differently.”

Evan looked up, wide-eyed. “W-what?”

“We just found out this morning. We... We had a meeting with his therapist. But.. He said Connor was still doing well, that it was just a minor setback...”

“This is all my fault then,” Evan said miserably. “I shut him out. I refused to listen. If I had just listened...” He leaned his head on Zoe’s shoulder, tears finally falling.

“Could he have gone ANYWHERE else? Would ANYONE know?” Heidi asked. “What about Jared?”

“Why didn’t I think of that sooner?” Evan cried, pulling his phone out and calling Jared.

~*~*~

“Yo,” Jared said, upon picking the phone up. “Whoa, Evan, slow down... What?” Jared glanced up at Connor, silent for several minutes. “Evan, chill, Connor’s-“

Connor sat up and shook his head, sending Jared a death glare. 

“Connor’s... I don’t know where. Yeah, I’ll let you know if that changes.” Jared hung up, crossing his arms. “You know Evan is frantic right now. Apparently your whole family is.”

Connor shrugged. “Let them be,” he said stiffly, laying back down and staring at the ceiling again.

“Dude, what happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Connor gritted out.

Jared shook his head. “Man, you’re gonna give your boyfriend a heart attack, you realize that, right?”

Connor shrugged again, but winced, feeling a stab of guilt.

Jared scowled at Connor, turning his back on him. He pretended to pick his game controller up, but instead texted Evan.

**J: Connor is here and safe. DO NOT COME THOUGH. I don’t think he’s ready to talk and he might spook if you just show up randomly. Just let him chill and he’ll come to you when he’s ready, I think.**

~*~*~

Evan let out a sob. “He’s safe.”

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked to him.

“Where is he??” Cynthia cried.

“Jared texted me.. H-he’s there...”

“But you just called Jared and he said Connor WASN’T there,” Larry said with a frown.

Evan nodded. “I... Maybe Connor told him not to tell us?” Evan’s lip trembled. Zoe held him tighter. “He said not to come, that C-Connor needed time and he’d come to us when he was ready.”

Larry slumped onto the couch next to Cynthia, who sobbed in relief. Heidi rubbed circles into her back.

Evan trembled. “He hates me.”

“Connor’s always been a drama queen, Ev,” Zoe said soothingly. “He just needed to stomp off and be a dick. He’ll calm down.”

It said a lot about everyone’s state of mind that none of the adults scolded Zoe for her language.

“Maybe I should take Evan home. We know Connor is safe, and he’ll come when he’s ready,” Heidi said after a few minutes of tense silence. “But if we’re all here, he might feel ambushed.”

Evan knew she was right, but he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to be here when Connor came home. But he also.. didn’t. Because he had a sinking feeling Connor was never going to forgive him. So, reluctantly, he agreed. He made Zoe promise to text him when Connor was home safe – and she made him promise he wouldn’t come running over, that he would let Connor come to him.

~*~*~

It was nightfall before Jared finally confronted Connor.

“Okay, dude, you need to go home and stop making your parents and Evan worry.”

Connor glanced up at Jared, startled. 

“I don’t know what happened, but they’re probably sufficiently panicked and sorry.”

Connor scowled. “It’s not that simple, dude.”

“You know, DUDE, it is,” Jared snapped. “I don’t give a shit what this is about – who started it or what. You’re being a whiny baby. Couples fight. Stop being a pouty dick and go make up with your boyfriend.”

“You’re an ass,” Connor growled, crossing his arms and staring at the ceiling again. 

“Yep,” Jared agreed cheerfully. “So are you, though, so...”

Connor rolled his eyes, He reluctantly took his phone out of his pocket and was blown away by the amount of text messages, missed calls and voice mails. He pocketed his phone and sat up, rubbing his eyes. 

“Fine, I’ll go home,” he said, standing. “Thanks for letting me crash for awhile.” He was halfway up the stairs when he turned. “You texted Evan and told him I was here, didn’t you?”

“Yep,” Jared replied, never taking his eyes off his video game. He waved Connor off with the middle finger.

Connor rolled his eyes and let the basement door slam on his way out.


	11. Step Into the Sun Chapter 11

Connor stared at his front door for ten minutes before finally taking a deep breath and opening it. The second the door closed behind him, Cynthia barreled into him, holding him in such a fierce hug, it actually hurt. Connor hesitated before wrapping his arms around her as she sobbed into his shoulder. The guilt was hitting him hard now.

Cynthia dragged him into the living room where Larry and Zoe were waiting to take turns hugging him as tightly as they possibly could. He was relieved Evan wasn’t there, though – he couldn’t face him right now.

When everyone had taken a turn treating him like he was their own personal stress ball, he sat on the couch. Cynthia sat beside him, clinging to him. Zoe sat on his other side, while Larry paced before him. 

“We were so worried, Connor,” Cynthia sobbed.

Connor shifted uncomfortably, avoiding eye contact with everyone. He still had trouble apologizing to people, still felt incredibly vulnerable when he did. It was hard admitting when he’d been wrong. But he knew he owed them an apology. He also knew he owed Evan one.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“Connor, look at me,” Cynthia said softly. Connor peaked up at her, but looked quickly back down. “Connor, we know you stopped taking your medicine. Your therapist told us.”

Connor pulled away from her, crossing to the other side of the coffee table and sitting alone in the armchair. He curled into himself, bringing his knees to his chest and resting his chin on them.

“It’s okay, Connor,” Cynthia continued, fighting the urge to stand and run to his side. “We’re not.. We understand. Dr. Roland helped us understand. Nothing has to change.”

“This doesn’t have to be a huge setback,” Larry said suddenly, the first time he’d spoken. “You-You can move on from this, Connor. You can keep doing well and making progress. We.. Dr. Roland helped us understand that... that sometimes, things happen... that recovery...”

“That recovery is messy,” Cynthia filled in, when it became obvious Larry couldn’t get his words out. “It’s not always easy or perfect and it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.” She kept her voice firm now. She couldn’t waiver. Connor had to understand everything would be okay.

He hadn’t looked up at them again, hadn’t said a word, but something in his body language changed. His shoulders seemed to relax, like all the tension had left him.

“Nothing will change,” Larry finally spoke again. “We can’t pretend this didn’t happen at all, but we aren’t changing any of the rules on you. Curfews, check-ins, spending time with Evan – none of it will change. You’ll pick up exactly where you left off, and we’ll all move forward together.”

Connor could feel tears in his eyes, but he blinked them away as quickly as he could. He didn’t want to cry again.

“What happened today...” Cynthia finally asked cautiously. “Was that... Was it because of our meeting with Dr. Roland?”

Startled, Connor finally made eye contact with her again. He looked quickly back down, but he knew his reaction was answer enough. He jumped when her hand covered his, and he looked up to make eye contact with her as she kneeled before him.

“Is that why you were...? Because you were worried about how we’d react?”

Cynthia’s intuition was more spot on than he gave her credit for. Reluctantly, he nodded. “I... I didn’t know how you’d... I thought you’d...” He paused, trying to collect his thoughts. “I thought you would think I was a fuck up, and that this was going to be like all the other times.” He paused, biting the inside of his lip to keep from crying. “I thought you would take Evan away from me. I thought I was going back into in-patient treatment. I...”

Cynthia squeezed his hand to comfort him.

“But I guess I don’t have to worry about Evan anymore, anyway,” he finally said, lip trembling. He couldn’t stop the tears now. “He was so... so ANGRY. He’ll never forgive me for this.”

“You need to give that boy more credit,” Cynthia scolded him. “He wasn’t MAD at you, sweetie. He was WORRIED.”

“Sure he was,” Connor laughed bitterly. “You should have seen him... He was mad. I screwed up SO many times... I screwed up by smoking. I screwed up by letting him catch me smoking. I screwed up by running from him instead of trying to explain. I screwed up by staying away, and ignoring everyone’s messages. How can he possibly forgive all that?”

“Because he loves you,” Zoe said firmly. Connor looked up at her, doubt in his eyes. “Don’t give me that look, you know he does. He was so scared when we couldn’t reach you. I’ve never seen him that worried before – and I’ve seen him have a LOT of panic attacks.”

Connor ducked his head so his hair fell over his face, trying to discretely wipe away his tears.

“I... I can’t talk to him tonight,” Connor finally said, after he composed himself. “I just need to...” He shook his head and stood. “I’m gonna go shower and sleep.” No one tried to stop him as she slumped up the stairs.

~*~*~

Evan paced his room, biting his nails and picking at his cuticles until they bled. It was almost 9pm. Eleven hours had passed since Connor had stalked off this morning. Was he home? Would Zoe actually text him? Would Connor want to see him? 

“Honey, you need to relax,” Heidi said, leaning against his doorframe. 

“Easy for you to say,” Evan grumbled, continuing to pace.

“I’m sure Connor is home by now. We’d know if he wasn’t.”

“Then why haven’t I heard from anyone?” Evan yelled. He stopped pacing, staring wide-eyed at Heidi. “I.. I’m sorry.. I.. I didn’t mean-“

Heidi held a hand up to stop him. “It’s okay. Just take a deep breath and relax. Please, try to get some rest. I’ll be down the hall if you need me.”

Evan watched her go, then sat on his bed. He tried calming down on his own and couldn’t, so he reluctantly took one of his anxiety pills, then lay down, staring at his phone. It was another twenty minutes before it lit up with a text. 

**Zoe: He’s home. Let him come to you.**

Evan closed his eyes, tears falling. He put his phone down without replying to Zoe. His medicine was finally kicking in and making him sleepy. He needed to sleep because sleep was the only time his brain shut down and quieted, and he couldn’t tolerate the things his brain was telling him right now – an endless loop of “Connor will never forgive you.” 

When sleep finally came, it was a blessing.


	12. Step Into the Sun Chapter 12

“Stop being an ass and go talk to Evan.”

Connor looked up at Zoe, standing in the middle of his room, arms crossed. It was mid-morning. He had barely slept the night before, tossing and turning, staring at his ceiling. He was exhausted; he didn’t need Zoe badgering him right now on top of everything else.

Connor sat up, glaring at her. “It’s none of your business Zoe.”

“It is because you’re both hurting and it’s so stupid,” she snapped. “You both made mistakes and neither of you wants to be the one to apologize first. Just go apologize.”

“It has nothing to do with that,” Connor growled. “It doesn’t matter, you don’t get it.”

Zoe sat on the bed across from him. “Then explain it to me, Connor.”

He huffed, shaking his head. “You don’t get it. You didn’t see how mad he was. He’ll never forgive me, so I’m not going to put myself in that situation.”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “You’re such a dumbass. He wasn’t MAD, for the millionth time, Connor, he was WORRIED.”

Connor sneered at her. “I saw the look in his eyes. I know what I saw.”

“No,” Zoe insisted. “You want to believe he was mad because then you don’t have to feel guilty for worrying him. But he WAS worried. He was sitting on our couch for HOURS, sobbing over you – panicking over you. He feels guilty for how he treated you, too, Connor. He knows he should have listened to you instead of shutting you out. But you have to understand... You weren’t answering your phone, we had no idea where you were. He thought... We ALL thought... We thought the worst, Connor.”

Connor stared down at his hands, picking at his nail polish. Guilt was settling over him.

Zoe sighed, standing. She’d done all she could. Without another word, she turned to leave.

“Zoe.”

He spoke so quietly that she almost didn’t hear him, but she turned to look at him. He wasn’t looking at her, but he mumbled a small “thank you.” She nodded and left him to his thoughts.

It took him another hour to gather the courage to stand and cross his room. He paused at the top of the stairs, legs shaking, then made his way downstairs. Everyone stared at him as he went, but no one stopped him. They knew where he was going.

~*~*~

The walk to Evan’s was agonizing. He fought the urge to smoke the joint in his pocket, instead picking off half his nail polish, his anxiety making his heart pound. He stared at Evan’s front door for a long time, grateful Heidi’s car wasn’t in the driveway. He took a few more seconds to gather his thoughts, then knocked on the door.

It took a few minutes for Evan to answer. When he did, he quietly stepped aside, let Connor in, then closed it. He walked to the living room and sat on the couch, back against the armrest. Connor hesitantly followed him, sitting as far away as the couch would allow. He stared down at the floor. 

They kept sending furtive glances at each other, but neither wanted to be the first to speak.

Finally, when Evan couldn’t stand the silence any longer, he opened his mouth.

“I’m SO sorry, Connor,” he said quietly, already feeling his chest tighten and his eyes fill with tears. “I should have let you explain. I shouldn’t have just.. shut you out. You didn’t deserve that. But you have to understand how worried I was... you’ve been behaving strangely lately, and I got so worried that it was because...” His voice caught in his throat. “But that wasn’t fair, either. I should have asked you what was wrong. I should have listened instead of...” He slumped, tears falling down his face. “I understand if you never want to see me again.”

“What?” Connor choked out, finally looking at Evan. 

“I-I understand if you can’t forgive me for how I reacted,” Evan sniffled, his tears flowing harder now.

“No... Evan, no,” Connor moaned, shaking his head and scooting just a little closer to him. “If anything, I’m the one who shouldn’t expect anything from you. I was.. I was so stupid. I fucked up so bad... I worried you. You don’t deserve that. I..” He closed his eyes, steadying himself. “I understand if you can’t ever forgive me. I’ll...” He choked on his next words. “You... you should break up with me... I deserve that.. You shouldn’t have to put up with a fuck up like me..”

Evan closed the rest of the distance between them, taking Connor’s hand tightly in his own. “Absolutely not, Connor.”

Connor looked at their hands, then at Evan, startled. Evan could see the fear in Connor’s eyes., but also the small glimmer of hope. 

“I’ve told you before, and I’ll say it again – you can’t get rid of me that easily,” Evan sad firmly. “I was worried and I was upset and I over-reacted.”

“No.. You didn’t overreact. I was a dumbass. I was...” Connor sighed. “My parents probably told you, so... I... I fucked up... I stopped taking my medicine.” He looked down, unable to meet Evan’s eyes, to see the anger or hurt or whatever he was feeling.

Evan tightened his grip on Connor’s hand, resting his other hand on Connor’s leg. “You didn’t fuck up, Connor.”

Connor looked up at him, eyes wide. It was so rare that Evan dropped an f-bomb. It was so rare for him to curse at all.. But that had been Evan’s intention – to shock him into making eye contact. He needed Connor to look at him and see that he was being sincere, to see how much he meant what he was saying.

“You had a small set-back, but you WILL move forward from this. I know you will. You’re strong and brave, even if you don’t think you are. You ARE. You can fight this, Connor. I know it’s not easy, but you can and you will and I’ll be right beside you the whole time. I’m not going anywhere.”

Connor finally broke. He couldn’t hold in the emotional stress that had been the last few days. He fell into Evan’s arms and cried, his body shaking with the force of it. Evan held him tightly, anchoring him, comforting him. He showered Connor with kisses and rubbed his back. Connor couldn’t stop his breakdown and cried until his eyes were swollen and gritty. When he pulled back, Evan’s shirt was a mess of tears and snot. 

“Sorry,” Connor mumbled, gratefully taking the tissues Evan handed him. 

“Don’t apologize, that’s my thing,” Evan joked, leaning in and kissing Connor, who fell gratefully into the gesture.

“But..” Evan paused, unsure if now was the right time to ask... Connor frowned at him, so he continued. “What made you stop taking your medicine? What made you smoke that day? I just... I want to understand, Connor. I didn’t give you the chance to explain the other day, but I want to understand now.”

Connor tried to pull away, ashamed. But Evan kept his arms tightly locked around him.

“No, I’m not letting you pull away again,” Evan said firmly. “I’m here for you, Connor. Don’t shut me out again.”

Connor felt fresh tears fill his eyes. He was so grateful for the gorgeous boy beside him. 

“I was... That night I came to your house, and I didn’t want to go home? I told you the meeting my parents were going to have with my therapist was just a check-in, but it wasn’t... I had told him earlier that day about stopping my meds, and he was going to tell them. But... But he was on my side. It was... I couldn’t believe it..” He quickly filled Evan in on what Dr. Roland had said. He paused to catch his breath. “But I was still worried... You know how my parents are. I was so panicked over how they’d react... Over how you would react if you found out...” 

He rested his head against Evan’s shoulder. “I stopped the medicine because I hated how it made me feel – nauseous and numb and just... I don’t know. But then without the medicine, I needed the weed to calm down and relax. So, that morning, when you found me smoking... It was because... because...” He paused, trying to take a calming breath. Evan rubbed his arm.

“It was because I knew my parents were in that meeting and... I was freaking out about what they were saying, how they’d react...” Connor was shaking again. “I didn’t know if they’d actually listen to Dr. Roland, or if they’d... If they’d see it as a failure and think I was a fuck-up. I was so scared they’d tighten all the rules and take you away from me... I was terrified I’d have to go back to in-patient, despite the fact that Dr. Roland promised I wouldn’t... I... I woke up that morning feeling so panicked, so on edge, I just... I smoked. I needed to calm down and I knew it would help.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this as it was happening, Connor?” Evan asked, hurt in his voice. Did Connor not trust him enough to confide in him? Even after all they’d been through?

Connor shrugged, playing with his bracelets. All this talk about cutting had him feeling antsy. “I just... I was terrified you’d think I was a failure, too.” He sniffled. “And I didn’t want to admit what I’d done until I knew if it was going to be okay. I needed to know how my parents were going to react before I told you the truth. I was scared I was going to have to tell you I had failed and had to go back into treatment, or that my parents weren’t going to let me see you until after outpatient was done. I was scared of the look you’d give me if I had to tell you that...”

Evan put his hand under Connor’s chin and forced him to look up. He couldn’t find the right words to say, so he simply kissed Connor again, long and hard. 

They sprawled out on the couch next to each other, legs entangled, and sat in silence after that, pulling strength from each other. At some point, Connor fell asleep with his head on Evan’s chest. Evan felt his eyes grow heavy and tired, and was almost asleep when his phone beeped. He moved carefully, pulling it slowly out of his pocket, trying not to make any sudden movements or wake Connor.

**Zoe: ????**

**Evan: All good**

Zoe sent a crazy amount of heart emojis in response. Evan smiled, putting his phone onto the coffee table and going back to rubbing Connor’s back until he, too, fell asleep.


	13. Step Into the Sun Chapter 13

When Evan woke up, Connor wasn’t there. Again. Evan sat up in a panic, but then he heard noise in the kitchen. He relaxed, standing and making his way to Connor, who stood by the stove, stirring something in a pot.

“Hey,” Connor said with a smile, when he noticed Evan standing there watching him.

“Hey,” Evan replied, grinning. “What are you doing?”

“Cooking for you.” Connor stirred for a few more minutes, then spooned mac and cheese into two bowls. 

“Mac and cheese,” Evan chuckled. “Once again, you eat like a five year old.”

Connor shrugged, handing one of the bowls and a can of soda to Evan, then grabbing his own, plus two forks. They made their way back to the living room, settling on the couch. Evan sat sideways, with his back against the armrest and his legs thrown over Connor’s lap. Connor rested his arms on Evan’s legs. They ate in happy silence until the front door opened and Heidi came in. Normally, Evan avoided PDA in front of his mom, but this time, he was too happy to care.

“Hey, Ev- Oh, Connor...” Heidi looked surprised for a minute before breaking into a smile. “I’m just grabbing what I need for class, then I’m heading out. I’ll leave you guys money for dinner.” She quickly ran upstairs. She couldn’t help the silent cheer she let out that the boys had made up. She gathered her things as quickly as possible, called goodbye, and left, not even caring that they’d be alone – they deserved the alone time after everything they’d been through.

Connor and Evan watched her leave, then glanced at each other, shrugging. They finished their food, then Evan switched positions so he could snuggle up close to Connor. They stayed that way until Connor’s phone beeped. He had to wiggle around a bit to get his phone out of his pocket without moving Evan, who refused to let go. Connor rolled his eyes at Evan, who chuckled at Connor’s efforts. Finally, Connor pulled his phone free and read it. His heart sank and he tilted the phone so Evan could see.

**Cynthia: Don’t forget your follow-up with Dr. Roland is today at 2:15. Love you! Hi, Evan!**

“I don’t want to go,” Connor sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. 

“But this will be a good appointment, won’t it? Your parents spoke with him and everything is going to be okay.” Evan rubbed Connor’s stomach soothingly.

“Yeah, that was BEFORE I ran away and scared everyone. I’m sure they told him that, too. What if he doesn’t still agree to let me... What if...” He sighed, hanging his head.

“Do you... I could go with you? For moral support?” He paused, then added quickly, “I don’t have to, like, actually come in or anything, I mean that’s your private appointment, I could just wait outside or in the waiting room or not come at all, I mean... if you don’t-“

“Yes.” 

Evan closed his mouth, smiling.

“Now, let’s go have some fun before we have to leave,” Connor added, smirking suggestively.

“Oooh...” Evan grinned, letting Connor pull him up and lead him up the stairs to Evan’s room.

~*~*~

Evan sat beside Connor in the waiting room of Dr. Roland’s office. Connor was agitated, nervously shaking his leg and picking at his nails. Evan captured his hand and held it, trying to sooth him. Connor gave him a grateful smile, leaning in for a kiss.

Dr. Roland opened the door and stepped into the waiting room.

“Hello, Connor,” he said with a smile. “Oh, you must be Evan.”

They broke their kiss and looked up. Evan blushed. “Hi.”

Connor stood, still holding Evan’s hand. He didn’t want to let go. He nerves were on fire.

“Evan can come in with you, if you’d prefer,” Dr. Roland suggested.

Connor glanced nervously at Evan, who shrugged. Connor squeezed his hand tighter, pulling him up. Evan stood, nodding, and followed Connor into the office. Dr. Roland closed the door behind them. They settled onto the couch across from him. 

Evan leaned in. “I’m here for as little or as much support as you need from me, just squeeze my hand.” He kissed Connor’s cheek, then leaned back, blushing when he saw Dr. Roland watching them.

“So, Connor, I heard you had... an interesting few days,” Dr. Roland began.

Connor immediately squeezed Evan’s hand, crushing his fingers. “Starting with the heavy stuff, huh?” he tried to joke, but his voice cracked.

“Talk to me,” was all Dr. Roland said in response.

Connor hung his head. Just a few days ago – was it really only a few days – he’d told Connor he was rooting for him, and to not let him down. Well, he’d fucked that right up.

Evan scooted closer so their legs were touching. Connor melted into him. 

“I just..” Connor sighed, pulling strength from Evan’s touch. “I was just so freaked about your meeting with my parents and how they’d react and...” He shrugged. “I needed to do something to calm down and, well, weed...helps...” He chewed the inside of his lip so hard, he tasted blood. “Evan caught me and we had a fight... The worst one we’ve had...” He glanced at Evan anxiously, then looked down again. “So I left. And I stayed gone all day.”

Dr. Roland nodded. “Why did you two fight?”

Connor squeezed Evan’s hand again.

“It was my fault,” Evan said quickly. “I was really upset when I saw him smoking again, and I wouldn’t listen when he tried to explain.”

Dr. Roland nodded again. “You know you had your whole family worried, Connor, right? You were gone for hours, and didn’t answer anyone’s calls.”

Connor nodded miserably. “I-I know... I was angry, and I wanted them to hurt as much as I was hurting.” 

“That’s not exactly a coping method I would recommend,” Dr. Roland admonished. “Where did you go? What made you decide to come home?” 

“I... I went to his friend’s house,” Connor said, gesturing at Evan. “I guess he’s kind of a mutual friend now. He convinced me to finally go home.”

Evan owed Jared a thank you for his part in getting Connor home. 

“But I... I couldn’t face Evan until the next day.”

Evan felt his heart break at the sadness in Connor’s voice.

“Why not?”

“I thought I’d lost him,” Connor admitted quietly, shrugging. “I didn’t think he would forgive me.”

Evan shook his head, squeezing Connor’s hand. “Can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Connor chuckled softly. It was the first time Dr. Roland had seen Connor smile a genuine smile. He made a few notes in his notebook.

“So why don’t we talk about the meeting I had with your parents, then,” Dr. Roland said after a few minutes of silence.

Connor glanced up, startled. “W-what? That’s it? You’re not going to grill me about what happened, or tell me how disappointed you are that I did... everything I did?”

Dr. Roland tilted his head in question. “Do you want me to?”

Connor opened his mouth, then shut it, looking lost and confused.

“I told you, Connor, you’re an adult. I’ll treat you like one. You both suffered a miscommunication, and made mistakes,” he said, looking from Connor to Evan, then back to Connor. “It appears you both worked through that and moved on, so I don’t see the need to harp on it. And you aren’t a disappointment – you’re human. Humans make mistakes, it’s what we do.”

Evan could feel Connor trembling beside him, so he squeezed his hand tighter.

“The meeting with your parents went well, as I’m sure you know by now – assuming they discussed it with you?”

Connor nodded. “Not in detail, but yeah. But... what’s the next step, then? Everyone keeps saying we can’t ignore that it happened but that we’ll move on from it. But... how?”

“Start by telling me what made you go off your medicine.”

Connor glanced at Evan, then looked down, feeling ashamed. “I just... didn’t like how I felt on it... The nausea was... awful.” He paused, chewing at the inside of his lip again. “And it made me feel so... numb...”

“Connor, I’m going to ask you something and I need you to be completely honest with me.”

Connor stiffened, unconsciously throwing his walls up. He didn’t like where this was going. Evan held his hand as tightly as he could, leaning into him.

“Have you thought about harming yourself since you stopped taking your medicine?”

Connor twitched a little bit, pulling away from Evan ever so slightly. But Evan refused to let him, holding tight to his hand. Connor looked up at Evan, holding eye contact with him. What would he think if Connor admitted the truth? Would he be disgusted? Hurt? Angry? Would he walk out and never look back? 

Evan stared right back at Connor, trying to convey with just a look that he wasn’t going anywhere, that Connor was safe.

Connor shifted in his seat, looking back at Dr. Roland. “Yes,” he admitted, his voice shaking.

“And have you?”

“No,” he said firmly, shaking his head and looking at Evan. “No, I haven’t. I swear I haven’t.”

Evan nodded, bringing their joined hands up to his lips and kissing Connor’s hand.

“Why not?” Dr. Roland asked.

“Why n- What?” Connor demanded, scowling at the doctor. “Because I-“ He paused, unsure how to put into words what he felt. “Because I don’t want to. Because I don’t want to go back to that place in my life. I was... so alone. I’m not anymore. I’m... I have Evan, for as long as he’ll have me. And my family – we’re doing better than we were before. I... I wouldn’t want to put any of them through what I did a few months ago.”

Dr. Roland nodded. “We’re going to try something. It’s a little unconventional, given what you’ve been through. But, like I said, you’re an adult. And you HAVE been doing better – you were mostly doing better even without medicine So... We’re going to try a new medicine plan. It’ll just be an anti-anxiety pill that you take as needed. We’ll try that for a month and see how you’re doing.”

Connor’s mouth dropped open. 

“But I’m placing a LOT of trust in you, Connor. If you feel off or anything changes, you HAVE to tell me, and then we may have to consider an anti-depressant again, whether you like it or not. Do you understand?”

Connor nodded eagerly, still shocked by this turn of events.

“And Evan,” Dr. Roland said, giving him a hard look. “You have to be willing to go to his parents and tell them if you think anything about Connor’s behavior has changed, okay? That’s a lot of responsibility, I know, but it’s important.”

Evan nodded. “Yes, definitely. I promise.”

Dr. Roland nodded. “I do still want to continue seeing you three times a week, Connor. Now more than ever.”

Connor nodded reluctantly.

“I think that’s about it for today, unless there’s something you want to discuss?”

Actually...” He hesitated, 

“Yes?” Dr. Roland asked after several minutes of silence.

Connor cleared his throat. “I.. I don’t know if this is something you can.. Um..”

“Try me,” Dr. Roland replied, offering a kind smile.

“Well.. I missed a lot of school because of...” He looked down in shame. He took a steadying breath before continuing. “Well, they told me I had to repeat my entire senior year. But... I was wondering if... I really wanted to maybe try summer school...? See if I could catch up, and then maybe enroll in classes at the community college for the fall? I really...” He paused, tears gathering in his eyes. He didn’t want to cry, damn it. But he couldn’t help it. He tried to blink them away, but they came, anyway. “I don’t know if it’s too late to enroll, though... I mean, summer school starts next week, so I guess it’s cutting it close but... I just... If I have to repeat my senior year, I’ll...”

Evan rubbed Connor’s back, still holding his hand with the other.

“High school was... BAD for me,” he finally said. “I just can’t do that again. I can’t repeat my entire senior year and stay sane.”

Dr. Roland nodded. “I’ll see what I can do. I’ll need to discuss it with your parents, and talk to the school, see if they’ll agree, considering the circumstances. I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”

Connor sagged against Evan, looking gratefully at Dr. Roland. “Thank you.”

“You’re doing well, Connor,” Dr. Roland said with a smile. “I really think so.”

~*~*~

When Evan and Connor stepped out into the sun and fresh air, Connor felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his chest. He couldn’t believe he had a therapist who was on his side and cared about him, treated him like an adult.

He took Evan’s hand as they walked. 

“Thank you for coming with me in there,” he said quickly. “I... it helped. Having you there.”

Evan smiled at him. “I told you, Connor, I’m here.” His stomach growled. “Aaannd, so is my stomach, apparently. Lunch?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, guess that mac and cheese wasn’t enough,” he grinned. “Diner?”

“That works!”

~*~*~

“I didn’t know you wanted to do summer school,” Evan remarked, munching on Connor’s curly fries.

“You know you have your own fries,” Connor said, quirking a brow.

“Yours are better,” Evan shrugged, sticking his tongue out at Connor. “So... Summer school?”

Connor rolled his eyes, taking a long sip of his soda. “I just.. I can’t go back to high school, Ev. It was... Until I had you, it was fucking awful. I won’t survive another whole year. I won’t.”

The tone of Connor’s voice worried Evan. He knew he meant what he said very literally.

“It was different at boarding school. Most kids hate boarding school. But the classes and the teachers - they challenged me. And the other students were on a whole different level. They... I didn’t feel like a freak with them.”

“You mean Miguel made you not feel like a freak?”

Connor looked up sharply. “Why would you bring him up?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know, sorry, pretend I didn’t say it,” Evan said quickly. “Just my own anxiety telling me he’s smarter than me and better than me and - just forget it.”

“Evan, I haven’t spoken to him since that day last year. I’m done with him. Stop doubting that.” Connor reached out and laced his fingers with Evan’s. “And stop doubting yourself. You’re kind and smart and hot.”

Evan cringed. “I definitely would not describe myself as hot.”

“Well, I would,” Connor said with a grin, making Evan blush. “So please, stop comparing yourself to Miguel. Miguel never truly understood me, or the things that went through my head every day. He couldn’t. He didn’t have... those kinds of issues. He couldn’t understand why I had trouble getting close to people, and refused to give me the space I needed to try.” He gave Evan’s hand a squeeze. “I wouldn’t have made it to this point without you. YOU. Not Miguel, YOU.”

Evan nodded, returning Connor’s hand squeeze. 

Connor nodded, smiling softly. “Anyway, I just... I can’t face school again, not when I was so close to being done. Plus if I can complete summer school, I’ll be able to enroll at the community college with you and then next year...” He paused, clearing his throat and looking down. He hadn’t meant to bring that up yet...

“Next year what?” Evan promoted.

“Nothing, it’s stupid,” Connor mumbled, blushing. He stuffed his face with fries so he wouldn’t have to talk.

“It’s not stupid, tell me,” Evan insisted.

“I just... I thought maybe we could, um, next year... go away to, um... you know, maybe the same... school? I... I mean, I’m sorry, that’s such a stupid... it’s so far away and who knows what’ll happen...”

“It’s not stupid,” Evan insisted, squeezing Connor’s hand. “I mean, maybe it is. But if it is, then I’m stupid, too, for wanting to do the same thing...”

Connor finally looked up at Evan, eyes wide. Then, he grinned. Evan grinned back at him.

“Well, hopefully Dr. Roland can work something out with my parents and the school...” Connor said after a few minutes. “I mean, it would have been nice to have all summer with you without school work, but it’ll be worth it to enroll in classes with you in the fall.”

“Plus, we’ll still have plenty of time together this summer,” Evan promised. He leaned across the table and met Connor in the middle, giving him a quick kiss.


	14. Step Into the Sun Chapter 14

When Connor got home that night, he went to the living room, where his parents were both sitting – Cynthia reading a book and Larry watching the news. Connor stood before them nervously. 

“Hi, sweetie,” Cynthia said, smiling. “How was your appointment?

“Good,” Connor replied, frowning. Dr. Roland hadn’t called them about summer school yet? “Um.. Can we talk?”

Larry and Cynthia exchanged worried looks. Those weren’t words that left Connor’s mouth often... 

“Of course,” Larry said.

Connor sat across from them, feeling antsy. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d asked his parents for anything. 

“Connor?”” Cynthia prompted.

Connor took a deep breath, then forced himself to look at them. “I... want to get a car.”

“You... What?” Larry asked, startled. That wasn’t what he had expected.

“I have my license and I’m a good driver,” Connor argued, feeling defensive, even though they hadn’t said no or given him a hard time. “I have money saved, you won’t have to help at all, I swear.”

“Whoa,” Larry said, holding his hands out in a placating gesture. “Connor... I don’t know...” He frowned at Cynthia, then looked back at Connor. “After the last time...”

“I know I was a dumbass,” Connor said quickly. “Crashing that car was so, so stupid. But I’m in a better place now. And it would make hanging out with Evan so much easier. Walking everywhere is getting old. Plus-“ He cut himself off before he mentioned summer school. He didn’t want to mention it until Dr. Roland called them. It was just easier... Dr. Roland knew how to explain things in a way that didn’t upset his parents. Connor... wasn’t always good at that.

“Plus what?” Cynthia asked.

“Nothing,” he said quickly, looking down.

“Connor, we can’t consider this if we don’t know all the facts,” Cynthia said gently.

Connor sighed shaking his head. “It’s stupid... I... I was hoping Dr. Roland would have already talked to you, but...”

“Connor,” Larry said firmly. “What is it?”

“I asked Dr. Roland if he could... if he could maybe talk to the school about maybe, um, about maybe doing.. summer school, if it isn’t too late. I-I don’t want to lose the whole year when I was so close... And I-I can’t...” He put his face in his hands, taking a shaky breath. “I hate school, I can’t do it again... I can’t... And I just thought... I thought if I did summer school, I could enroll in community college for the fall and then maybe go away somewhere next year...” 

Larry and Cynthia stared at each other, startled. Connor hadn’t spoken about going to college in a LONG time. They’d had many fights over it. To hear him talk about it now was... a shock.

“So... So... Dr. Roland is going to talk to the school and see if it’s not too late. And I just thought... If I had a car, I could drive myself there and stuff...”

Larry and Cynthia exchanged another look. 

“Your father and I will need to discuss it, Connor,” Cynthia finally said. “Give us a few days, okay?”

Connor slumped. He knew what that meant. It meant no. He just didn’t know if it meant no to the car, or no to summer school – or both. He didn’t have the energy to argue, though, just nodded and slumped up to his room, feeling drained and frustrated. He ignored Zoe when she called after him as he passed her room, and went right to his, slamming the door and collapsing facedown on his bed.

He heard his door open and close. When he looked up, Zoe stood before him.

“You’ve developed a really bad habit of just walking in here without knocking,” Connor grumbled, dropping his head back onto his bed.

“What’s wrong? Not another fight with Evan?” she asked, worry in her voice.

“Are you going to completely ignore what I just said? Go away,” Connor groaned.

Connor felt his bed dip, and when he looked up again, Zoe was sitting beside him.

“That’s the opposite of going away,” Connor said flatly.

“What’s wrong? She asked again, crossing her arms.

Connor scowled. His stubborn sister.. Rolling his eyes, he briefly filled her in on the conversation he’d had with Larry and Cynthia.

“What makes you think they’re gonna say no? They said they had to think about it. That’s not no.”

Connor laughed bitterly. “For Perfect Zoe Murphy, it’s an actual ‘we’ll think about it.’ For me, it always means no.”

“Yeah, but things are different now, Con,” Zoe reminded him. “Maybe they actually mean it. Maybe they want to wait to see what Dr. Roland says.”

“Yeah, sure, keep believing that,” Connor snapped, shaking his head. “Please leave.”

Zoe sighed and stood, walking to his door. She stopped and turned. “Don’t let your brain convince you they aren’t on your side, Con. They are. Things are different now.” When he didn’t answer her, she slumped out, closing his door behind her.

Connor sat up, rubbing his temples in frustration. He slowly opened his night table drawer and pulled out his razor blade. He’d snooped in his parent’s room one day, and found everything they’d cleared out of his room while he was in treatment. He’d taken back a few things, including the razor blade. He touched a finger to the blade, not enough to leave a mark, but enough to feel a small drop of pain.

He hadn’t used it. Didn’t plan to. But it was.. comforting for him, to know it was there if he DID have the urge... He stared at the blade for a long time. A knock at his door had him scrambling to put it away. He shut the drawer and rolled over, trying to look relaxed, before calling for whoever it was to come in.

Cynthia walked in, smiling gently at him. Connor sighed, knowing what that meant. He stood, hesitating before tossing off his shirt, shoes and pants, then his bracelets. He shivered, stepping to the middle of the room in nothing but his boxers and holding his arms out for Cynthia to inspect.

“I know you hate this Connor, I’m so sorry,” she said, sounding pained. She rubbed his arm comfortingly before quickly finishing her inspection. She nodded when she was done, standing on her tiptoes so she could kiss his cheek.

“Goodnight, my sweet boy.” She walked out leaving his door open. 

He huffed in frustration, collapsing on his bed. He didn’t bother getting dressed again. What was the point? He’d have to do the same thing in the morning.

He rolled over, grabbing his phone and texting Evan.

**Connor: Love you.**

**Evan: Love you, too**

Connor smiled sadly, still surprised that Evan loved him. The voices in his head screamed at him every day, telling him how stupid and broken he was, how no one would ever love him. Yet Evan did...


	15. Step Into the Sun Chapter 15

When Connor woke up the next day, he felt like road kill. His throat was on fire, his head was pounding, and the pressure in his face was so bad, his teeth hurt. His whole body ached and, no matter how many blankets he pulled over himself, he was still shivering.

“Connor, it’s after 11am! Are you still asleep?” Cynthia scolded when she finally came to check on him.

“Uh,” he groaned, burying his face in his pillow and pulling the covers over his head. 

“Connor?” Cynthia sat beside him, gently tugging the blankets down so she could see his face.

He looked up blearily at her. “Feel like shit,” he mumbled, closing his eyes again.

Cynthia put a hand to his forehead. “I think you have a fever,” she sighed. 

He groaned, shivering.

“You’re staying in bed today,” she said firmly, standing and crossing her arms. “I’ll go make you some soup.”

When she left, he rolled over and pulled the covers over his head again. He was in and out of consciousness, his body desperate for sleep, but it was hard when he felt so crappy. Lying down was helping his head, but making his stuffy nose more stuffy. He started breathing through his mouth, which only dried his throat out and made him cough, which made his throat hurt more. 

He could hear his phone going off, but didn’t have the energy to roll over and check it. He couldn’t open his eyes long enough to read it, anyway, they felt so gritty and tired. He only woke up long enough to take the Tylenol his mom brought him, and to accept a few sips of soup before rolling over and closing his eyes again.

~*~*~

**Evan: Why isn’t Connor answering my texts? Is he okay? Is he mad at me??**

**Zoe: He’s safe, just sick. Summer cold or flu-like bug, mom thinks. He’s mostly been sleeping so he probably didn’t hear his phone.**

**Evan: OMG, poor Connor! I’m coming over!**

**Zoe: Trust me, you don’t want to. He’s a cranky brat when he’s sick, and you could end up catching whatever he has if it’s more than just a cold.**

**Evan: Still coming.**

Evan pocketed his phone and ran downstairs. He left a note for his mom, then ran out the door, going as quickly as he could. He knocked frantically on the Murphy’s front door.

“Oh, Evan, hi,” Cynthia said, smiling. “I didn’t know you were coming over.” She stepped aside to let him in.

“Zoe said Connor was sick. I just wanted to check on him.”

Cynthia nodded. “He’s been sleeping,” she said, gesturing for him to go upstairs.

“Thanks, Mrs. M!” Evan took the stairs two at a time. He stopped long enough to wave at Zoe, then made his way to Connor’s room. The curtains were closed and the light was off. Still, Evan could tell that Connor was curled under the covers. Dozens of tissues littered the floor. A half-empty water bottle sat on his night table, along with an almost full bowl of now cold soup.

Evan slipped his shoes off and crawled into bed beside Connor. He had been rubbing Connor’s back for a few minutes when Connor stirred, rolling over.

“Evan?” he mumbled, frowning up at the boy beside him. “When did you-?”

“I texted Zoe, she told me you were sick. I just got here a few minutes ago,” Evan said softly, running his fingers through Connor’s hair. 

Connor groaned, shifting closer to Evan. Evan put his arm around Connor, and Connor buried his head in Evan’s shoulder. Evan used his free hand to continue stroking Connor’s hair and arm, planting gentle kisses on his temples and forehead. His skin was warm and flushed, but Evan could feel him shivering.

Every twenty minutes or so, Evan would nudge Connor awake and force him to drink some water. He protested every time. Every time Cynthia checked on them, she refilled it and gave Evan a grateful smile.

At some point – maybe an hour later, maybe two hours later, he had no idea; time lost all meaning to him - Connor woke up long enough to realize he had to pee, and Evan was asleep beside him. When he stood, his whole body ached, and he immediately felt the absence of Evan’s body heat. He shivered, shuffling to the bathroom and back as quickly as possible. He snuggled back in beside Evan, getting as close as he could. Evan shifted in his sleep, putting his arm around Connor again without waking up.

~*~*~

Evan’s phone vibrating in his pocket finally woke him up. He pulled it out, blinking blearily at it. It was after 6pm. 

**Heidi: Everything okay? Still at Connor’s?**

**Evan: Yeah. He’s pretty sick. Might spend the night.**

**Heidi: Just stay in touch.**

Evan yawned, pocketing his phone. He sat up to stretch and suddenly realized how very hungry he was. He carefully got out of bed and padded softly down to the kitchen, where Cynthia was cleaning up from dinner.

“Hey,” Cynthia smiled. “Hungry?” she asked, gesturing to the pot roast, potatoes and carrots she had put into Tupperware.

“Yes, please,” Evan said eagerly. Cynthia grabbed him a plate, loaded it up, and set it, silverware and a glass of water before him. 

“Thank you,” he said, quickly wolfing his food down. 

“How’s Connor doing?”

“Sleeping still,” Evan replied, after taking a sip of water. “This is delicious, Mrs. M, thanks.” 

“Oh, it’s no problem,” Cynthia said, finishing up the dishes and then sitting with Evan. She hesitated before speaking again. “Evan, I don’t think we’ve thanked you properly for everything you’ve done for Connor.”

Evan swallowed, putting his fork down. “You don’t have to thank me. I love him.” He blushed. It was kind of weird saying that to his boyfriend’s mother.

“I know, but...” Cynthia kept smiling, but tears filled her eyes. “Still. You’ve been such a good influence on him, and he’s changed so much since you’ve come into his life... I truly don’t know how any of us would have gotten through the last year without you.”

Evan blushed deeper, ducking his head and stuffing more food in his mouth. He didn’t know what to say. He finished what was on his plate, then took a few big gulps of water. Finally, he looked up at Cynthia.

“I’d do anything for him,” he finally said. “He’s changed my life, too.”

Cynthia smiled, giving his hand a squeeze. 

“Connor needs to eat something now,” Evan said suddenly, needing to change the subject. “Something gentle for his stomach, since he hasn’t eaten all day.

Cynthia nodded. She stood and set to work making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, crusts cut off, and cut into two diagonal pieces. She poured some cold milk, then handed the plate and glass to Evan. He took it, thanked her again for dinner, and made his way back up to Connor.

Connor was sitting up in bed, rubbing his temples, when Evan walked in. He looked up, blinking in confusion. 

“You really were here all day, weren’t you?” Connor asked, frowning as Evan approached with the food. He shook his head. “No, I’m not hungry.”

“You need to eat, you haven’t eaten all day,” Evan insisted. He got in bed beside Connor, holding the plate out to him.

“Not hungry,” Connor said firmly, shaking his head.

“Connor,” Evan insisted, holding the plate out to him. 

Connor crossed his arms. “Nope.”

“Stubborn.” Evan pushed the plate under his nose. Connor made a face, shoving the plate back at Evan.

“Seriously, I’m not hungry. I feel like shit, I don’t want it,” Connor snapped. The smell of the peanut butter was turning his stomach. “I might throw up on you if you force me to eat that.”

“You’re nauseous because you haven’t eaten all day. I know you don’t want it, but it’ll make you feel better.”

“No,” Connor pouted. “My head hurts so bad, my teeth hurt. I can’t even chew that.”

Evan sighed. “Zoe was right – you’re a cranky brat when you don’t feel well.”

“Hey!” Connor grumbled, sticking his tongue out at Evan.

“Okay, fine, you don’t have to eat. But I won’t do that thing you like if you don’t...” Evan teased. 

“Uh... You think I’m even thinking about that with how I feel?” Connor asked, quirking a brow, then wishing he hadn’t – even that small gesture hurt.

“No, but once you’re better...” Evan shrugged, leaning in teasingly and planting a gentle nibble on Connor’s neck. 

Connor shivered. “Don’t be a tease when I’m too sick to pounce on you,” Connor huffed.

Evan held the plate out to him. “Then eat.”

Connor rolled his eyes, grabbing the plate and grumbling. He ate slowly, making faces the whole time. Evan held the glass of milk, handing it over as Connor wanted some. When the plate and glass were empty, Connor glared at Evan. “Happy?”

“Very,” Evan smirked, leaning in and kissing him. 

“Um...” Connor stared wide-eyed at Evan, then couldn’t help but snicker.

“What are you-“ Evan started to ask, but understanding suddenly dawned on his face. “Shit.”

“It’ll be your turn next now,” Connor grinned. 

“Shit,” Evan groaned. 

Connor snickered, shaking his head. He went to stand, but the whole room spun. 

“Whoa,” he groaned, sitting back down. “Dizzy.” He dropped his head into his hands and closed his eyes until the room stopped spinning. 

Evan quickly moved to his side, rubbing his back. When Connor was ready, Evan helped him stand. 

“Okay, I’m good,” Connor said with a nod, but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than Evan. He squeezed Evan’s hand, then shuffled off to the bathroom. When he came back, he immediately collapsed in bed again.

“Have I mentioned how much I hate being sick?” Connor grumbled after several minutes of silence. Evan leaned in and kissed him gently on the forehead, then the lips - because why not? He was probably gonna get sick anyway. He might as well comfort Connor if it was inevitable.

“Do you feel any better?”

Connor shrugged “Maybe a little. My head doesn’t hurt as much.” He was being stubborn and didn’t want to admit that the food had helped a lot. He was almost positive the dizziness had been from lack of food, because now that some time had passed since he’d eaten, he felt much better.

“Good,” Evan said, smiling and sprawling next to him. Connor rested his head on Evan’s stomach.

“Mhm,” Connor said, a small grin on his face. Evan couldn’t see it, though, so he was caught completely off guard when Connor started tickling the crap out of him.

Evan yelped, trying to roll away, but Connor swung up and over, pinning Evan between his legs, one knee pressing against each of Evan’s hips.

“Connor!” Evan gasped, laughing hysterically. “You’re supposed to be resting!”

“Gee, doesn’t that sound familiar?” Connor questioned, thinking back to that night Evan had gotten out of the hospital. He leaned in, pushing Evan’s shirt up and trailing kisses up and down his stomach and chest. Evan whimpered, raising a hand to run his fingers through Connor’s hair.

“Well I guess you really do feel better,” Evan gasped. Connor grinned in response, leaning down to kiss him. He deepened the kiss, then nibbled down to Evan’s neck, making him moan.

Someone cleared their throat behind them, and Connor yelped and tumbled sideways off the bed in shock. Evan’s eyes widened in panic as he struggled to yank his shirt down. Connor popped up from the floor, bright red.

“I see you’re feeling better,” Cynthia remarked, looking stony-eyed at them. “I think I’ll set the guest room up for tonight. Evan shouldn’t stay in here if you’re still sick.” She walked away without another word. 

Evan gulped, looking down at Connor with wide, embarrassed eyes. But then he couldn’t help but laugh.

“That was SO not funny,” Connor growled, a tense panic building in his chest. 

“Yeah, but it kinda was. Now who’s the one falling off beds and couches, hm??”

Connor scowled at him, but stuck his tongue out to show he was teasing.

Evan chuckled again, giving Connor another kiss.


	16. Step into the Sun Chapter 16

When Evan woke up the next morning, the house was silent. He snuck out of the guest bedroom and tiptoed to Connor’s room, quietly closing and locking the door behind him. He made is way to Connor’s bed, crawling in beside him.

“Hmm,” Connor groaned, rolling over to find Evan beside him. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Evan grinned. “It’s morning. How are you feeling?”

“Much better. Must have been some kind of 24 hour bug, I guess,” Connor said yawning. He still felt a bit stuffy, and his head still hurt, but the headache was just a dull throb now. He was pretty sure his fever had gone down, though, since he wasn’t shivering and he didn’t ache as much. He yawned, wrapping his arms around Evan, pulling him in close. “Sleep well?”

“Well, I wasn’t beside you, so no,” Evan pouted. 

Connor grinned. “We’ll, you’re here now and we have-“ He glanced at the clock. “Two more hours before we have to leave for my therapy appointment. And I’m pretty sure we’re alone...”

Evan grinned back, pulling the covers over their heads.

~*~*~

“Connor, sit,” Evan insisted.

Connor was pacing Dr. Roland’s waiting room. He was anxious, wondering if Dr. Roland had pulled off a miracle and convinced the school to let him do summer school, if he’d be able to enroll for fall classes at the community college, or if he’d lose a semester and have to enroll in January. He couldn’t sit still. He was even biting his nails, something he’d stopped doing years ago when he started wearing nail polish. But he couldn’t help it – he was freaking out. He kept spitting out chips of nail polish and making faces at his nails like they’d purposefully offended him.

He turned to make another lap around the room and slammed into Evan. 

“Oof, Evan!” Connor stepped back, startled. 

Evan took Connor’s hand, pulling it away from his mouth and lacing their fingers. He rested his other hand on Connor’s cheek.

“Breathe.”

Connor sighed, knowing Evan was right. But it felt like his entire future was up in the air right now, like all his progress and hard work hinged on this and if he failed, it would all be for nothing.

Connor stared into Evan’s eyes, trying to ground himself in the look of love Evan was giving him. Dr. Roland had to say his name three times before he looked up.

“You can come in now,” he said with a smile.

Connor pulled Evan in with him and they sat. Dr. Roland took his time getting settled. Finally, he smiled at Connor.

“Well, I have good news. The school has agreed to let you enroll in summer school. It took some convincing, given your record and grades, but I convinced them of your progress and desire to do well. Don’t make me look like a liar.” His words sounded harsh, but there was a twinkle in his eyes. “You start Monday.”

Connor nodded, melting into Evan’s side with relief. It still blew his mind that Dr. Roland had so much faith in him.

“As far as enrolling at the community college this fall, that was a bit trickier.” Connor felt his heart sink, but Dr. Roland continued speaking before he could completely lose it. “I have a friend in admissions. He owed me a favor. Now, technically, you haven’t graduated high school yet, so you can’t actually enroll in classes. And by the time you do graduate from summer school, it’ll be past the deadline. However, I convinced him to let you enroll provisionally. You have an appointment tomorrow to go over your field of concentration and class schedule. He’ll get everything set up and, if you graduate from summer school, the enrollment will be official and you’ll be able to begin class in September.”

Connor blinked back tears, gripping Evan’s hand so tightly, Evan was sure his hand would go numb. But he just squeezed back, smiling at Connor.

“You’ve come a long way, Connor,” Dr. Roland said. “I have faith in you. Don’t make me regret that.”

Connor nodded. “I promise, I won’t.”

Dr. Roland smiled, nodding. “Now, how have things been?”

~*~*~

“I can’t believe it,” Connor said, the warm early afternoon sun washing over him. “I can’t believe things are... good.”

Evan grinned up at Connor. “It’s because of you, Connor. You did that. You made things good. You deserve all of this.” 

Connor leaned down and kissed Evan, longer and more deeply than he normally did in public. 

“You helped,” Connor replied. “I couldn’t have gotten this far without you.”

“You could have,” Evan shrugged. “Don’t give me that look, you know you could have. That strength was always inside you. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

Connor shook his head. “I’m not. But we’ll agree to disagree.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “So what now? Lunch, then my place? Or I could see if Jared’s home, we could go swimming.”

“Lunch, yes,” Connor nodded. “But then I want to go home real quick and talk to my mom. She’s been so supportive up to this point, I feel like it’s only fair to tell her first. Plus... I’m hoping I can, uh, talk to her about last night...” Connor blushed. “I’m hoping she won’t make a big deal of it or tell Larry...”

What he didn’t say out loud, though, was that he had a sinking feeling she WOULD make a big deal of it... He didn’t want to freak Evan out, though, so he kept that thought to himself.

Evan nodded, pulling Connor with him towards the diner. Connor was getting tired of this walk. He couldn’t wait to get that car... They’d DEFINITELY let him get it after this. He’d need it to get to class, after all.

~*~*~

The diner wasn’t busy when they got there, so they got seated almost right away. The waitress sat them in their usual booth, set their menus down, winked and walked away. They got her almost every time they came here, and it appeared she was starting to recognize them.

They ordered a huge stack of pancakes, a Belgian waffle with ice cream, and a side of bacon to share. Connor placed his hand on the table, palm up, and Evan took it, smiling.

“Hey, Murphsen. Long time, no see. Guess you made up.”

Connor and Evan looked up. Jared stood before them, looking smug. Connor rolled his eyes. 

“Hi, Jared,” Evan replied, giving him a small smile. He still owed Jared a thank you for getting Connor to go home that night; this was their first time seeing him since then. “How’s it going?”

“Not bad,” Jared shrugged. “Was just gonna get something to go. Seems pathetic, eating alone.”

“Do you wanna join us?” Evan asked, glancing at Connor, hoping that was okay. Connor shrugged.

An odd look crossed Jared’s face – appreciation, maybe? Relief? Evan wasn’t really sure, but he immediately stood and moved to Connor’s side of the booth, making him move in so he could sit beside him. Jared took Evan’s vacated seat. When the waitress came over with Connor’s iced coffee and Evan’s orange juice, she took Jared’s order and got it in right away so his food wouldn’t be completely behind theirs.

“So how’s it going?” Jared asked. It was one of those rare times that he actually sounded serious.

“Better than it was,” Connor shrugged, not making eye contact with Jared. He knew he owed him an apology, and maybe a thank you for talking sense into him that night. 

Evan and Connor’s food came, and they dug in. Jared’s wasn’t far behind. They mostly ate in silence, chatting about random things here and there. It wasn’t until they were almost done eating that Connor cleared his throat and glanced at Jared.

“I, uh.. never got the chance to thank you for, um, letting me crash that night. And for convincing me to go home. So.. so.. Thanks.”

Jared looked taken aback, but nodded. “Don’t mention it.”

Connor nodded, stuffing pancakes in his mouth so he wouldn’t have to say any more.

“Yeah, thanks for talking sense into him,” Evan echoed, giving Jared a grateful look. “And for, you know, telling me where he was even though he probably didn’t want you to.” He glanced at Connor, who rolled his eyes, then looked back at Jared.

Jared just stared at them for a long time. Evan couldn’t read the look on his face. Finally, Jared waved them off. “Whatever.” For Jared, that said a lot.

They ate the rest of their food in silence. When they got their check, Jared threw some cash down and told them they could come over later or tomorrow to swim and play video games, or whatever, and left without another word.

Evan and Connor smiled at each other, paying their bill and heading out.

“So I’ll meet you at your place in a little bit, okay? I promise I won’t be long, if I can help it.

Evan nodded, giving Connor a kiss. He watched him as he walked away, smiling after him until he couldn’t see him anymore. Then he turned and made for his house.


	17. Step Into the Sun Chapter 17

Connor was on cloud nine as he neared his house. He had finally done something to make his parents proud. He couldn’t wait to tell Cynthia; it only seemed right to tell her first.

But as soon as he reached the driveway, he knew something was wrong. Larry’s car was in the driveway. He was never home this early in the afternoon...

He stepped cautiously into the house, closing the door gently behind him.

“Connor, is that you? Can you come in here, please?”

Connor froze in the foyer, not liking the tone of voice Cynthia was using. His fight or flight instinct went into high gear. He hesitated before slowly walking into the living room.

Larry and Cynthia were both there, sitting on the couch. He glanced from his mother to his father, sensing something was off. He just couldn’t figure out WHY. He hadn’t DONE anything... Everything was going well for once in his life. What could this POSSIBLY be about...? 

“Connor, we need to talk...” His mother said gently, while his father just stared at him stonily, looking highly uncomfortable.

Connor opened his mouth to argue that he hadn’t done anything, when his gaze fell to the coffee table, and the box of condoms.

Oh, shit.

“Connor, come sit, please.”

Connor glanced up at his parents again, shaking his head.

“Nope, not happening. Not having this conversation.” Connor spun on his heel, trying to escape to the front door.

“Connor Murphy, you get over here or you won’t be allowed to see Evan for a month!” His father boomed.

Connor froze, panic seizing him. He felt numb and a little bit light-headed. Then the anger hit, and he rounded on his dad.

“Really, Larry? So you want to go back to how things used to be? You want me to start sneaking out again, start screaming at everyone for no reason? You want me to go back to smoking and cu–“ He snapped his mouth shut, trying to take a calming breath. “Because if you take Evan away from me, that’s what’s gonna happen.”

Cynthia tried to hold back her gasp, but couldn’t. 

Connor focused his attention on her. She was always on his side, always helped tame his father’s temper. He gave her a pleading look.

“Connor... You boys are too young for this, you haven’t even been dating a year,” his mother argued, but her voice was cracking. 

Connor scowled. Who were they to tell him how he felt or what he was ready for? Considering all he’d been through in the last few years, he felt he was pretty up to the task of deciding what he was and wasn’t ready for. 

“You may be eighteen, Connor, but you still live under our roof and our rules,” Larry finally said.

“You know what, you’re right. I AM eighteen. I’m eighteen and I have a boyfriend - what did you think we were doing, playing Cat’s Cradle?” Connor snarked, rolling his eyes.

Larry stood, pointing a finger at him. “Don’t use that tone of voice with me, young man.”

Connor let out a bark of laughter. “So.. what? All the progress I’ve made, everything I’ve accomplished the last few months, it all goes down the drain because you found out I’m having sex? I’m a giant disappointment again, is that it?”

“Connor-“ Cynthia said firmly, shaking her head. Larry was silent, a grimace on his face. He really hadn’t needed the official confirmation from his son that he was... Larry shook his head.

“How about the fact that you clearly went into my room and searched it? You didn’t just happen upon those,” he said, gesturing at the condoms. “Don’t I deserve SOME privacy? I haven’t done ANYTHING to break your trust the last few months.” Connor’s eyes flashed with sudden realization. “Do you do this often? Just randomly go into my room and search it? Or is this because of yesterday?” He glared at Cynthia.

She shook her head again, eyes filling with tears. “Connor please-“

“No,” Connor snapped. “I don’t deserve to be treated like this. After all the shit I’ve done, you’re REALLY gonna be mad about this? At least we’re-“ Damn, this was awkward. He huffed, trying his best to maintain eye contact. “At least we’re being safe, right?”

Larry looked like he wished he was anywhere but sitting there, talking to his son about his sex life. Cynthia, at least, had the sense to look a little bit ashamed.

“Connor, that’s... We need to talk to you about... about something else, too..”

Connor stiffened, throwing his walls up. Cynthia cringed back, seeing the steel in her son’s eyes. She knew they were pushing him, knew they were risking losing him completely. But it had to be done.

“Connor...” 

Her voice held such sorrow, it almost broke Connor. What could she possibly be about to say? What else had he fucked up? 

Slowly, Cynthia pulled something from her pocket, her fingers trembling as she held her hand, palm open, for Connor to see.

His razor blade. The one he’d taken back from them and placed in his night table drawer. He paled, glancing anxiously from Larry to Cynthia.

“I-I haven’t used it, I swear,” Connor said quickly, doing an emotional 180. His anger had melted into fear. They had to believe him. If they didn’t, they’d send him back to in-patient treatment. He’d strip naked and let them see every inch of him if he had to, to prove he wasn’t using it.

“I know,” Cynthia said gently, setting the razor on the coffee table quickly, like it had burned her. “But... But then why...?”

Connor looked down, ashamed. How could he get it to make sense to them? How could he even begin to describe the weird comfort he felt, knowing the blade was there, just in case?

He couldn’t. They’d NEVER understand. They’d just hear what they wanted, and assume him wanting it JUST IN CASE meant it was inevitable that he’d use it at some point.

“I... I can’t do this,” Connor shook his head, turning and making to leave the house. He had to get out of there before he exploded, and he really DID lose all the progress he’d made. 

“Connor, wait!” Cynthia cried. “Please, talk to us!”

Connor paused, turning back to them. “I’m not trying to run away and freak you out again. I’m going to Evan’s. DON’T follow me.” He paused again when he reached the doorway to the living room. This time he turned back to them, he flinched - was that disappointment in their eyes? He had almost forgotten what that looked like...

“By the way, Dr. Roland pulled some strings and I start summer school on Monday. And he has a friend in admissions at the community college that I’m meeting with tomorrow about provisional enrollment, given that I do actually graduate summer school.” He paused, stepping closer to the coffee table. Before they could react, he snatched the razor blade, pocketed it, and danced back out of their reach. “Yay, me,” he said flatly, turning and stomping out, letting the door slam behind him.

~*~*~

The joint calmed him down enough that by the time he got to Evan’s, Connor didn’t feel like he was going to jump out of his skin or punch a wall. He let himself in and found Evan on the couch. He stopped in the doorway, Evan turning to smile at him.

“Yes, I’m high. No, I’m not cutting. No, I’m not falling into old habits. Please don’t fight with me. I just need...” Connor paused, taking a deep breath. “I just need to be with you, okay?”

Evan’s eyed widened in shock, but he knew better than to say a word. Instead, he held his arms open and nodded. Connor walked over and sat beside him, leaning into him and feeling safe in his arms. 

The urge to ask Connor what had happened was strong, but Evan knew he’d either tell him in his own time, or not at all. So he just sat there and held him. Connor didn’t cry, just sat in stony silence, but Evan could feel him shaking.

“I don’t know why I bother,” Connor finally said, almost twenty minutes later. His brain was firing in a million different directions. “Nothing will ever change. At least, my parents don’t seem to think I will. So why bother trying? Everyone expects me to fail, so I should just fail. Then they can all talk about how they knew it would happen and I can stop being shocked when everyone looks at me with disappointment in their eyes.”

“No, Connor,” Evan said firmly, turning on the couch to face him. He put a hand on Connor’s leg. “You’re not going to fail, and screw anyone who said you would or made you feel like you would.”

“Your blind optimism is almost as bad as their disappointment,” Connor said bitterly, refusing to make eye contact with Evan. What was he doing? Why was he fighting with Evan? He told Evan he didn’t want to fight and now he was starting a fight. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” he snapped angrily, shoving his face in his hands.

Evan pressed his lips together. If he said the wrong thing, Connor would throw his walls up and refuse to let him in. 

“It’s not blind optimism,” Evan finally said. Connor huffed out a laugh, standing to leave. Evan grabbed his hand. “You can’t just walk away, Connor. You can’t start something and then walk away without letting me have my say. Can you at least let me finish? And then, after that, if you still want to walk away, you can.”

Connor eyed Evan warily, but nodded, slumping back onto the couch and crossing his arms.

“We’ve been through a lot since we first met. A LOT. We’ve dealt with more shit in the last ten months than most people do in in twice that. But we did it together. We’ve seen each other at our best and worst, and we’re still pushing through. You and I both struggle with... with brains that try to tell us things that aren’t true. Or maybe those things are true, I don’t even know some days. Some days I wish the fall from that tree had killed me.”

Connor flinched, opening his mouth to argue, but Evan held a hand up to stop him.

“I’m not saying this to upset you or scare you or freak you out,” Evan continued. “I’m not feeling suicidal or anything, so don’t worry. I’m telling you this because... Because I want you to understand that it’s not just blind optimism. Bad days and setbacks are inevitable when you deal with the kind of demons we deal with. I know I sound like a fortune cookie, but you have to understand that things can get better, and will. I don’t know what happened to make you feel this way right now, but it’ll pass. I feel like a broken record saying this, but you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. The voices in your head try to tell you otherwise, but you are.”

Connor felt tears streaming down his face. He stared at his hands, picking at his nail polish.

Evan scooted closer to him. “It’s completely, 100% worth it to keep trying and pushing, but not to prove everyone else wrong. Fuck them.”

Connor startled, finally looking up at Evan. Why was it so hot when he dropped an f-bomb?

“Keep trying so you can prove YOURSELF wrong. Tell the voices in your head to fuck off and prove to YOURSELF that you can have a bad day without losing progress. Who cares what anyone else thinks? It doesn’t even matter what I think. All that matters is what YOU think. Everyone else is insignificant.”

“You’re NOT insignificant,” Connor argued.

“I appreciate that,” Evan smiled, wiping away Connor’s tears. “But you have to stop being so hard on yourself. Whatever happened, it doesn’t matter. I believe in you and I think everything will fall into place.”

Connor looked down in shame. Evan shouldn’t believe in him, wouldn’t if he knew how dark his thoughts still got some days. With a shaking hand, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the razor blade, showing it to Evan.

Evan paled, looking from the razor to Connor. 

“My parents snooped in my room. They freaked out on me because they found condoms and... And this...” Connor licked his lips. “They took it from me before I came home from treatment. I snuck into their room and took it back.”

“Connor...” Evan said slowly, reaching for the razor. Connor curled his fingers around it protectively and pocketed it again. Evan bit the inside of his lip to keep from screaming in frustration.

“I haven’t used it and I don’t plan to,” Connor replied, swallowing to try to clear his dry throat. “But I... It’s comforting to have it. I can’t explain it, okay? But I need someone to understand and trust me.”

Evan hesitated. He wanted to believe Connor. He knew Connor hadn’t been cutting – he saw him naked on a regular basis, after all. But that didn’t mean he liked that Connor had the razor on him. It felt dangerous, like an alcoholic sitting with an open beer before him. 

“Okay,” he finally said. “I believe you. I don’t like it, but I believe you.”

Connor finally relaxed, the tension flowing out of him. 

“Can I... Um... I think I need to lay down,” Connor mumbled, swiping more tears away.

Evan nodded. “Do you... Do you want me to come with you?”

“I just need some alone time,” he said quietly, avoiding eye contact.

“Oh, okay,” Evan said softly. “Um, yeah. I’ll be here i-if you need me...”

Connor nodded. He squeezed Evan’s hand, then slumped up to Evan’s room and collapsed on the bed, finally letting himself cry – truly cry. He sobbed into Evan’s pillow so Evan wouldn’t hear him and come running. Eventually, he fell asleep.


	18. Step into the Sun Chapter 18

Evan tried to focus on the show he was watching, but his mind kept wandering – specifically, it kept wandering upstairs to Connor. He was worried. Connor had made so much progress, but he was still unstable, and Evan was worried about his state of mind.

He stood, moving to go upstairs and check on Connor, when a knock on the door startled him. He frowned. He wasn’t expecting anyone... He peaked through the peephole, shocked at who was standing there. He opened the door and stepped onto the porch, pulling the door partially closed behind him.

Mr. and Mrs. Murphy stood before him.

“Is Connor here?” Cynthia asked anxiously. “He hasn’t been answering his phone.”

“He is,” Evan replied, using his body to block the door, in case they tried to get past him. “He’s safe.”

“Evan-“

“He doesn’t want to see you,” Evan said, cutting her off. “And you need to respect that.”

“He’s our son,” Larry snapped. “You realize you can’t stop me from coming in there and dragging him home?”

“Well, technically, this is my house. So entering without permission is, you know, trespassing.”

The Murphy’s gaped at him.

“I’ll call your mother,” Mrs. Murphy threatened. “It’s her house, really, and we have a right to see our son, Evan. I’m worried about him and I want to see him.”

Evan pulled his phone out of his pocket, bringing Heidi’s contact up. “Sure, I can call her myself, if you want. But I think she’ll side with me.” He could see tears in Cynthia’s eyes. But he wasn’t going to back down. “You treat him like he’s a walking mistake. He knows how you feel. All the progress he’s made doesn’t mean anything to you.”

“That’s not true,” Cynthia sobbed.

“How dare you,” Larry snapped. He got in Evan’s face. “You let me in this instant.”

Evan held his phone tight in his hand, his finger hovering over the call button. “No. Especially not right now with how you’re acting. You’ll push him away and you know it.”

Larry looked ready to punch Evan. Evan braced for the hit, his heart pounding. 

“Both of you, stop this,” Cynthia cried. “I... Evan, we DO care about him and we ARE worried. That’s why we’re here. I know we over-reacted, and I need him to know that, too.”

Evan nodded. “Sure, yeah, I’ll tell him you said that. And he can decide if he wants to come home and talk to you about it.”

“This is insane, Evan,” Cynthia snapped. It was the first time Evan had ever seen her lose it. “You know we love him. You know we’re trying. But he... I’m worried he’ll cut again. He has a razor blade on him!”

“He won’t,” Evan said calmly – though inside, he was shaking. He’d never been scared of Mr. Murphy before, but he was now. “He’s safe. Let him calm down, and maybe you need to do the same.”

Oh god, oh crap.. Had he really just said that to them?!?!?!? Was he really talking to the Murphy’s like this? Like he was an adult? Like he was on their level? Larry was going to punch him, he was sure of it...

“If you REALLY care about him, his mental health, and his progress, you’ll back off for tonight and let him come to you.”

Larry snarled, but turned and stalked back to his car, slamming the door. Cynthia’s lip was trembling. She shook her head at Evan, but she turned and followed Larry back to the car. She looked back at him before getting in.

When they finally pulled away, Evan collapsed on the steps, trembling. Crap crap crap... He took a few calming breaths, then stood and walked back inside. He locked the door, and when he turned around, Connor was sitting on the steps, eyes wide with shock.

Evan walked on shaky legs and sat beside Connor, lacing their fingers together.

“H-how much did you hear?”

“Most of it,” Connor replied, swallowing. “I... Thank you.”

“You’re not mad? About how I talked to your parents..?” 

Connor shook his head. “No. They deserved that. And I... You stood up for me. You... I mean, you didn’t have to. You could have just let them in and... But you stood up for me.”

Evan looked confused. “I.. Well, yeah. Why wouldn’t I? I love you.”

“I know, but... You stood up to Larry fucking Murphy. Without having a panic attack...”

Evan laughed hysterically. No, like, he was actually hysterical now. Oh god... He had stood up to Larry Murphy...

Connor leaned in, kissing him long and hard before pulling away. “Thank you.”

Evan smiled, nodding. Then something occurred to him... “Wait...” He grabbed his phone and dialed Heidi. He never called her cell when she was at work unless it was an emergency. She always answered when he did. He squeezed Connor’s hand tighter.

“Evan, what’s wrong?”

Evan slumped against Connor at the sound of his mom’s voice. “We... I have to tell you something...”

“Do you need me to come home? I’ll come home.”

Evan glanced at Connor. He could hear Heidi through the phone. He hesitated, but then nodded. He actually WOULD feel better if Heidi was home.

“Okay, nobody is hurt or anything, but yeah.. Can... Can you come home?” Evan hated how small his voice sounded. He was banking a LOT on the idea that Heidi would agree with him, and not scold him for how he’d spoken to Larry and Cynthia. “A-and... If the Murphy’s call you, don’t answer, okay? Not until we talk. Please? Promise me?” He was terrified the Murphy’s would twist what he had said to them. He HAD to give his mom his side of the story first.

“I promise, I’m on my way,” Heidi said, no hesitation, no pause. She said a quick I love you and hung up.

Evan pocketed his phone, taking a deep breath and letting it out.

~*~*~

Heidi rushed into the house, making a beeline for the living room. She was so relieved to see Evan and Connor sitting there, safe and sound. She threw her stuff down and moved to their side, sitting across from them on the coffee table and grabbing each of their hands, squeezing tight. 

“What happened?”

“Okay first I’m going to apologize because I shouldn’t have called you at work and I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have unless I really felt I needed to and I really DID feel I needed to and I really hope you agree with me because-because I’m kind of afraid you won’t and that you’re going to be mad but you need to hear me out, okay, because I really don’t think I’m in the wrong but, I mean, I don’t know, maybe I am, so please just hear me out because-“

“Evan!” 

Evan gulped, clamping his mouth shut.

“Evan, take a breath, please,” Heidi said firmly, holding tight to their hands. “And talk to me. Calmly.”

“Connor had a fight with his parents. They...” Evan blushed, looking at the floor. “The other night, Connor’s mom caught us... um...” He cleared his throat. “And then the next day, she snooped in his room and found... things...”

“What kind of things?” Heidi asked, eyebrows raised. She had a feeling she knew where this was going... When Evan didn’t answer, she said, “Evan, I can’t help if I don’t know the whole story.”

“Condoms,” Connor said flatly. Fuck it, right? She’d already had this conversation with Evan months ago, and she hadn’t cared then. Why would she now? 

Heidi quirked a brow at Connor, nodding. 

“And...” Connor forced himself to look Heidi in the eye. He needed her trust more than he needed his own parents to trust him. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt safe with her, and he was terrified he was about to lose that trust.

“And?” Heidi asked gently, seeing the look of fear in Connor’s eyes and knowing she had to tread carefully.

Connor swallowed. “And the... the...” He bit his lip. Heidi knew about his cutting, thanks to the whole ending up in the hospital and treatment thing. But he’d never actually talked about it in front of her. He felt like he was about to do a trust fall, and he hoped to hell she was going to catch him. “The razor blade I use to... cut with.”

Heidi stared at him for a long time, silent. She tried to keep the judgment out of her eyes. 

“They took it from my room before I got home last month. I found it and took it back. But... But I swear, I haven’t used it. Ask Evan. And I don’t plan to. I just...” He shrugged, his courage failing him. He broke eye contact and stared at the floor. “It’s stupid, but it’s... comforting? I guess. It’s comforting to have it and know that if I needed it – which I don’t, I swear I don’t – but that if I did, it’s there.”

Heidi frowned with worry, but nodded, encouraging them to continue.

“Anyway...” Connor shook his head, his voice catching in his throat. “I had a r-really good, um, therapy appointment, and I was excited to tell them about it and... That’s when they confronted me about the stuff they found... And I swear, they were more angry about the condoms than even the razor.” He laughed bitterly. “I dunno, they’ve always been uptight about premarital sex, so I guess it’s just that, maybe. But... A part of me wonders if it’s because of... because it’s...” 

He cut off, pulling away from Heidi and Evan and pacing the room, getting that horrible, panicky, caged feeling – the one that told him to flee. 

“Connor,” Heidi said softly. 

“Maybe it’s because they can’t accept that I’m with a guy,” Connor finally said, giving voice to the dark thoughts he’d been thinking since his mom caught them. “I mean... They’ve been really supportive this whole time, but... Maybe this was too much information for their brains to process. Maybe catching us together, finding the condoms, made it too real. Maybe... Maybe they think I’m... that it’s...” Connor crossed his arms, closing himself off. “Maybe they think I’m disgusting now. On top of being a disappointment.”

Heidi stood, crossing the room in a matter of seconds. The closer she got, the more Connor tried to edge away, in the direction of the front door. Heidi grabbed his hands to stop him.

“Connor, look at me,” she said firmly. When he did, she continued. “You are NOT disgusting. You are NOT a disappointment. You are a caring person, a kind friend, a loving boyfriend to Evan, and a wonderful son.” 

Connor’s lip trembled. He stared at the floor, not wanting Heidi to see the tears in his eyes. 

“I can’t speak for your parents. I don’t know why they reacted the way they did. But they LOVE you, I can tell you that. They might have trouble showing it sometimes, but they do.”

Connor shook his head. “I don’t know if I believe that anymore. I really... I just don’t...” He looked at Heidi again, eyes red as his tears fell. “You should have seen how they reacted... I just...”

Heidi pulled him in for a hug, and he started sobbing. She rubbed his back and stroked his hair, saying nothing, just letting him cry. Evan stared at them, feeling tears in his own eyes. He wanted to run to Connor, to embrace him, but Connor didn’t need his boyfriend right now. He needed a mother who loved him. And Heidi did.

When Connor seemed all cried out, Heidi pulled back slightly and ran her thumbs under his eyes, brushing away his tears. She led him back to the couch, where he slumped against Evan’s side because he didn’t have the energy to hold himself up. Evan put an arm around him.

“Evan, what else happened?” Heidi knew there was more to the story. She braced herself for it.

“Connor came here, obviously, to get away from his parents. He went upstairs to take a nap, and... And the Murphy’s came here looking for him.” He put his head in his hands, trembling. “They wanted to come in and take Connor home and I... I told them no. I told them... I said some things... And I... I told them no. I wouldn’t let them come in, I told them they’d be trespassing if they came in without permission. They threatened to call you, thinking you’d be on their side. I just... I couldn’t let them take him, mom.” He was shaking with fear, bracing himself for her reaction. “I knew if Connor went home with them... The Murphy’s were SO mad... I knew it wouldn’t end well... I just couldn’t let that happen.”

Heidi frowned at him for a minute before leaning forward and rubbing his arm. “You did the right thing, sweetheart.”

Evan’s eyes widened with shock and relief. He had been hoping, but he hadn’t been sure... He was so relieved, so grateful and thankful. He couldn’t speak, so he just nodded.

“Connor, you’re obviously welcome to stay here tonight. I’ll call your mom and tell her that. And then if you DO want to try to talk to them tomorrow, they can come here while I’m home and ONLY while I’m home. And we’ll talk to them together, okay?”

Connor felt like someone had punched him, like all the breath had been knocked out of him. Heidi was on their side. “Why?” he blurted.

“Why?” Heidi asked, frowning.

“Why are you... Isn’t there, like, some kind of Adult Code or Parent Code where you’re supposed to, I don’t know, side with the other adults? Why... Why are you on my side? I’m a terrible person. Why are you so...?” He didn’t know how to put what he wanted to say into words, so he just trailed off.

“Because you’re a GOOD person and you deserve to be heard and believed and loved,” Heidi replied immediately. “I don’t know, maybe I’m too lenient with you boys. Maybe I’m a bad parent for letting you have ‘sleepovers’ and for being so lax about you being together so much and, you know... I guess I should be freaking out more? Making you sleep in separate rooms or in a sleeping bag on the floor or whatever. I don’t know, maybe that all makes me a bad mom.” 

After a small moment of silence, she shrugged. “But... I don’t care. You boys are... You found each other when you each needed the other the most. You’re adults, you’re being safe, and you love each other.” She threw her hands up. “I don’t know, a lot of adults would say teenagers can’t know if they’re in love, that they’re too young to know something like that. But I see it whenever you’re together.” She smiled, shaking her head. “You make each other happy. And I think... It’s hard enough to find happiness and love. As long as it’s mutual and you’re safe... Well, that’s all that matters, honestly. Not to mention the fact that you’re both eighteen and, technically, adults. So, there’s that, too.”

Evan leaned forward and threw himself into Heidi’s arms, burying his face in her hair. She smiled, rubbing his back. 

“Thank you,” he whispered into her ear. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she replied. She made eye contact with Connor. “I love you both.”

He felt his lip trembling again, but forced the tears back. He nodded.

Heidi rolled her eyes and held one arm out to him. “Get over here.”

Connor grinned, joining them in a group hug.

~*~*~

Evan sat up in bed, propped against his pillows, waiting for Connor. It had been a long, emotional day. Connor had been really quiet since they’d come upstairs, hadn’t wanted company when he’d gone to shower. It broke Evan’s heart, but he needed to trust Connor, and trust that he’d ask for it if he needed help.

When Connor finally entered his room, he had nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. His wet hair was dripping down his chest. Evan stared hungrily at Connor, drinking in every inch of his exposed skin. When Evan’s eyes trailed further down, he noticed that Connor wasn’t wearing his bracelets.

“I guess you get to do cut check for me,” Connor murmured, a glimmer in his eyes. He smirked as he stepped to the side of Evan’s bed and dropped his towel. 

Evan grinned, leaning forward and trailing his hand from Connor’s collarbone, down, down, rubbing circles on his stomach, then trailing further down. He stopped short, nodding for Connor to turn around. He ran his nails down Connor’s back, making Connor groan and arch. When Evan was satisfied, he nudged Connor, indicating he could turn around again.

Connor grinned at him, leaning down and giving Evan a kiss, before walking away to grab pajamas from Evan’s dresser. He threw on pants and a shirt, then crawled over Evan to get into bed beside him. 

“How are you doing?” Evan asked softly, running his fingers through Connor’s wet hair.

Connor shrugged. “I guess... Fine?” He sighed. “I dunno. I really thought my parents had changed this time. But..” He shook his head against Evan’s shoulder.

Evan leaned into Connor kissing the top of his head, and Connor grabbed his hand and held tight.

“You...” Evan paused. “You’re not wearing your bracelets.”

Connor frowned, staring at his naked wrists. “Nope.”

“That’s... this is the first time you’ve ever really taken them off and kept them off in front of me.” Evan paused. “I mean, besides taking them off for the occasional shower together. You’ve always kept them on when we’ve slept together – and I mean that in the literal AND figurative sense”

“I know... I...” Connor shrugged. “You’ve seen my scars. They don’t disgust you and you don’t treat me like I’m... a psychopath... for having them, so...”

To prove him right, Evan took Connor’s hand in his and flipped it over, exposing his scar-marked wrist, and kissed all along the scars. Connor let him for several seconds, before he rolled over, half on top of Evan, and started kissing the crap out of him.

Evan sighed, pushing Connor back. “We should get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow.”

Connor pouted, but moved back beside Evan. “I guess you’re right.”

Evan leaned over and turned the light off. He shimmied further down under the covers, snuggling close to Connor. “Good night. I love you.”

“Love you, too, Ev.”


	19. Step Into the Sun Chapter 19

“Boys, time to get up or you’ll be late!” Heidi yelled up the stairs.

Connor groaned, throwing an arm around Evan and snuggling closer.

Evan grinned. “Connor, we have to get up. You don’t want to be late to your meeting with that admissions guy.”

“You snuggly,” Connor murmured, burying his nose in Evan’s neck.

“Are you high?” Evan asked, but he was laughing.

“Nope, sleepy,” Connor replied, nibbling on Evan’s arm.

Evan rolled his eyes. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Nope, not ridiculous. Just sleepy,” Connor replied, moving to nibble on Evan’s neck.

Evan’s eyes rolled back. “Okay, before I melt into a puddle, we need to get moving.”

Connor growled, biting Evan a little harder. Evan yelped, staring at Connor with wide eyes. Connor snickered, kissing him, then standing to get changed.

“You’re in a really good mood, considering yesterday...”

Connor shrugged. “I was with you all night. Makes me happy.” He tossed his pajamas to the floor, throwing on his black jeans and a black t-shirt. He sat on the floor to get his shoes on, then pulled his bracelets out of the pile of clothes he’d left on the floor and put them on. He saw the look Evan gave him and shrugged. “I don’t care around you, but I don’t need strangers in public staring at them.”

Evan nodded, understanding, then stood and got dressed.

When they got downstairs, Heidi had breakfast cooked for them. They sat at the table to eat with her.

“I’m heading in earlier than usual, but you boys might still be on your own for dinner. I’m hoping to get home in time, we’ll see how it goes. But I’m a phone call away if you need me,” she said firmly, putting money on the table before them. “Also, Connor?”

Connor looked up from his eggs, eyes wide, wondering what he had done.

“Let me know how your meeting with that admissions guy goes,” she said, smiling. “I have a good feeling about it.”

Connor looked startled. He hadn’t expected that. Whenever someone said his name like that, he was usually about to get yelled at. Slowly, he smiled and nodded.

~*~*~

Connor sat across from the admissions counselor, Dr. Woodson. He was staring at Connor’s file – high school transcripts, a letter of recommendation from Dr. Roland, proof he was enrolled in summer school, and a few medical papers that mentioned he had been in the hospital back in April, then the in-patient treatment facility for May and June.

He’d been silent for twenty minutes. Connor fidgeted, feeling nervous and anxious.

“So,” he finally said, glancing at Connor. “What do you want to do with your life?”

Connor’s eyes widened. “Starting with the easy ones, huh?”

Dr. Woodson chuckled, dropping Connor’s file on his desk and leaning on his elbows, lacing his fingers together. “Well, isn’t that what college is for? To take the classes necessary to do what you want in life?”

“No,” Connor replied, after a moment of hesitation. “It’s for figuring out what you want to do with your life. I mean,” he shrugged, “I guess some people go into it knowing what they want. But... Some don’t, right?”

Dr. Woodson eyed him, nodding. But Connor couldn’t tell if he was nodding in agreement, or just nodding to show he was listening.

“I never thought I was gonna go to college,” Connor continued. “This is kind of a new thing... So I don’t really know what I want out of it yet.”

Dr. Woodson made a soft “hm” sound, eyeing Connor more. “Well, do you have any ideas?”

“I...” Connor frowned. “I mean, I like to read. So... maybe be an English teacher? I’m fascinated by the human mind, too...” He shrugged.

“Hmm,” Dr. Woodson said again. “So, psychology? Sociology?”

“Maybe.” Connor fidgeted in his seat, a sinking feeling in his gut. This didn’t feel like it was going well.

“Dr. Roland and I have been friends for years. I’ve never heard him talk about someone the way he talks about you,” Dr. Woodson finally said. “He has a lot of faith in you.”

Connor blushed, looking down. “He’s... really great. I don’t think I’d have gotten this far without how great he’s been to me,” Connor admitted. “No adult has ever treated me... fairly. Until him.”

“Well, you can count me among that number now, too.”

Connor looked up, eyes wide. “W-what?”

Dr. Woodson smiled. “Let’s work out your schedule, hm?”

~*~*~

Connor walked out of his office an hour later, a folder in his hands, eyes wide. Evan stood quickly, anxious. Connor stopped before him, looking shocked. Slowly, he raised the folder in his hand.

“I... it’s official...”

“YES!” Evan cried, throwing his arms around Connor, who wrapped his free arm around Evan, feeling like he was dreaming. 

“I-I mean, it’s official so long as I complete summer school. But...” Connor was in such shock he couldn’t form words.

“This is AMAZING. We have to celebrate!” 

Connor grinned, nodding. “Yeah... Okay, we gotta go to my therapy appointment next, though. And then we can celebrate.”

They walked, hand in hand, down the hall and to the parking lot. The community college was too far out to walk, so they had to take the bus to get there, and needed to take it back to Dr. Roland’s office.

They sat in the back of the bus so they could do some celebratory making out. When they got to their stop, they got off the bus and walked side by side to Dr. Roland’s office. They only waited a few minutes before going in.

The second they all sat, Connor held the folder up, grinning.

“Very good, Connor,” Dr. Roland smiled, nodding. “I knew you could do it.”

Evan squeezed Connor’s hand, grinning at him.

“So, how is everything else going?”

Connor put on a poker face. “Great. Yeah... So far so good.”

Evan frowned at Connor, but didn’t say anything.

Dr. Roland caught the look Evan gave Connor, but didn’t say anything. It had to be up to Connor to speak up if something was on his mind. “Are you sure? Nothing you want to discuss?”

“Nope, I’m all good. Life is good,” Connor grinned, but it didn’t quiet reach his eyes.

“Alright, great. Well, until next time.”

When they emerged outside, Evan frowned at Connor. 

“Don’t. I don’t want to talk about it.” Connor started walking, shaking his head. “I don’t want to discuss my parents with anyone right now.” 

Evan frowned again, but kept walking. 

“Hey, you have that money from your mom?” Connor asked suddenly.

“Yeah...” Evan said. “Why?”

“We’re celebrating tonight.”

~*~*~

When Heidi stepped into the house, something smelled WONDERFUL. She followed the smell to the kitchen. Connor was stirring something in a pot on the stove, and Evan was chopping vegetables for a salad.

“What’s this?” Heidi asked, startled.

“Dinner,” Connor shrugged, sprinkling some seasoning into the homemade tomato sauce he was making. He stirred it and tasted it, then checked on the pasta, which was just about done. 

Heidi gaped at them. “Connor... Thank you.”

Connor pulled the homemade garlic bread from the oven. He shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. It’s my way of thanking you for everything.”

Evan finished getting the salad ready and took it to the table, then went back and plated the garlic bread while Connor put the pasta and sauce into bowls and brought them to the table.

They all sat, passing plates around and pouring soda (for the boys) and wine (for Heidi). 

“Connor, this is amazing. I knew you liked to cook, but this is... another level,” Evan remarked, stuffing his face with spaghetti.

“Mmmm,” Heidi agreed, nodding enthusiastically. 

Connor shrugged. “When you smoke weed, sometimes you get the munchies. I had to learn to cook to satisfy the cravings.”

Evan snorted, getting soda up his nose and coughing. This set Connor and Heidi off into giggles. Evan rolled his eyes at them. “Thanks, guys.”

“So, um, I have news...” Connor said, glancing at Evan for an encouraging nod, then Heidi, who looked excited. “I’m officially enrolled for fall classes, granted I finish summer school.”

“You will, with flying colors,” Heidi said with a smile.

~*~*~

After dinner, Evan and Connor offered to clean up so Heidi could work on her homework. At some point, Heidi’s phone rang. They couldn’t hear much, but she sounded agitated. 

Connor and Evan exchanged worried looks, but finished cleaning up. When they walked into the living room, Heidi had hung up – and she looked worried.

“Mom, what’s...?”

“That was Cynthia,” Heidi said, holding her phone up. 

Connor’s face darkened. 

“Your parents want to come over tonight and talk to you.”

Connor’s hands immediately started fiddling with his bracelets, an old nervous habit. 

“I...” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know...”

Heidi stood and walked over to him, hugging him. She pulled back, brushing hair out of his face. “I’ll be here the whole time. This is my house. They say or do ANYTHING to upset you, and they leave.”

Connor blinked back tears and nodded. “Okay, fine...”


	20. Step Into the Sun Chapter 20

When the doorbell rang an hour later, Heidi answered. She blocked the door when they tried to come in.

“Rules. If this gets out of hand, you’re leaving. Connor will be staying the night here, no matter the outcome of this. He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do,” Heidi said, crossing her arms. She only moved aside once they’d both nodded in agreement. Cynthia looked upset, while Larry looked... kind of angry. Heidi already regretted this.

When Cynthia and Larry walked into the living room, Connor was sitting on the couch beside Evan. Evan had one hand resting on Connor’s leg and the other holding his hand. Heidi walked over and sat beside them. 

Larry’s eyes fell to Evan’s hand on Connor’s leg. He shifted uncomfortably. Cynthia frowned at Larry, before turning back to Connor.

“Connor, sweetie,” Cynthia began, “We’re sorry we over-reacted. We really are. You just... You’ve had so much going on and we... It just...”

Connor scowled. “What does that have to do with anything? This has nothing to do with my mental state.”

“Watch your tone of voice,” Larry scolded. “And it has everything to do with it. You were hiding a RAZOR BLADE in your room, Connor. And you took it when you walked out, so I assume you have it on you now.”

“Yeah, but I’m not using it,” Connor argued. “And that’s not all this is about, and you know it. You didn’t get all weird until you caught Evan and I making out.” 

“You think that’s what this is about?” Cynthia cried, eyes wide. “I mean, no, I don’t think you should be having sex. You’re too young, you’re not married.. But we were more worried about the razor blade-“

“Speak for yourself,” Larry grumbled. Cynthia tried to shush him, but Connor had heard. He stood, fisting his hands at his sides.

“I knew it. All this time, acting like you accepted Evan and I... Was it a lie? Was it a game?” Connor snapped, face red with anger and hurt.

“Of course not,” Cynthia cried.

“Not you,” Connor snapped. “I believe you.” He turned to Larry, glaring.

“I-I..” Larry stammered, shaking his head. “It was never a lie, Connor. But it was one thing to know you were-were..”

“Bisexual,” Connor said evenly.

“What?” Larry blinked. “I thought you were gay.”

“Seemed easier to let you think that,” Connor shrugged. “But if we’re gonna have this conversation, you might as well get it right this time.”

“So, wait... You still like girls?” Larry asked, looking confused.

“Mostly guys,” Connor said with a shrug. “But yeah, girls a little bit, too.”

Larry made a face. “Yet you’re dating-“

“Choose your words carefully,” Heidi snapped.

Larry looked away, embarrassed. 

“Although I guess it’s basically just guys,” Connor added casually, shrugging, “since this is the second relationship I’ve had with a guy.”

“Wait... What?” Larry spluttered. “When? How? We didn’t know about...”

“No, you wouldn’t have known,” Connor snapped. “Because I didn’t want you to know. Why would I? You clearly can’t handle it as well as you said you could, when you first found out about Evan and I.”

“That’s not true! I’ve been TRYING,” Larry snapped, but Cynthia cut him off.

“It doesn’t matter,” Cynthia interrupted them. “Who Connor likes doesn’t matter. We love you, sweetie, either way. We were just... We didn’t think you boys were...” She trailed off, going red.

“If the adults in the room can’t be mature enough to say ‘having sex,’ then we have a problem here,” Connor snapped. “Why is it such a big deal? Seriously, of all the things I’ve done, isn’t this the lesser of the evils? I mean... I tried to kill myself twice. Isn’t that a bigger sin?” He sneered.

“Connor, it’s- I-“ Cynthia felt tears in her eyes. “I know I was upset when I caught you and Evan in... the position you were in. And when I found the condoms...” She blushed red again, glancing nervously at Heidi and Evan, before looking back to Connor. “I was upset then, but I’ve had time to process it. You’re my oldest, it was hard to accept that you’re growing up and in a... sexual... relationship. But that’s not my biggest worry, I promise. It was the razor blade. I was worried you were going to...” She put a hand over her mouth, tears streaming down her face.

Connor rolled his eyes. “But I told you I wasn’t using it, and I told you I wouldn’t. Why couldn’t you just believe me? Why did you-“ He shot Larry a look. “Need to threaten to take Evan away from me? Why can’t we ever have a civil conversation?”

“Because you can’t have a civil conversation,” Larry snapped. “The second we tried to talk to you, you snapped and walked away.”

“Can you blame me? Last few months aside, you don’t exactly have a great track record when it comes to letting me talk and explain things,” Connor snapped, stepping around the coffee table, getting in Larry’s face. “And what reason did I have to believe this time would be any different when, at the first sign of anger on my part, you threatened to take away something I loved?”

Larry’s eyes widened. It was the first time Connor has said he loved Evan in front of them. 

“Yeah, I love him,” Connor snapped.

“Sweetie,” Cynthia said gently, trying to reach for his hand. He pulled away.

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. The last few months don’t matter. We as a family will never change if you guys don’t start treating me like an adult.”

“We’ll treat you like one when you act like one,” Larry snapped. “And running away to someone else’s house at the first sign of conflict isn’t acting like an adult.”

“Oh, that’s rich,” Connor laughed. “Coming from the man who said I was looking for attention the first time I tried to kill myself, instead of trying to talk to me and find out WHY I wanted to kill myself.”

“Don’t you dare,” Larry snapped, getting into Connor’s face.

“You don’t care. You’ve NEVER cared. I don’t know WHY I thought this time would be different,” Connor sneered. “You might SAY you accept me and love me, but you don’t. You never will. You’ve always been a shitty father, Larry, why stop now? Just admit that life would have been easier for you if my suicide attempt had stuck.”

It happened before anyone could move to prevent it. Connor was on the ground, holding a hand to his bleeding nose, staring up at Larry with wild eyes. Larry stumbled backwards, eyes wide with shock.

Cynthia screamed. Heidi and Evan jumped up, Evan running to help Connor stand. Heidi got between them and the Murphy’s. 

“Evan, take Connor upstairs. Now,” Heidi said firmly. She used her body to shield them as they stood and left the room. She crossed her arms, glaring at Larry. “Get out of my house.”

“Heidi,” Cynthia sobbed. 

“NOW,” Heidi snapped, pointing at the door.

Larry was looking at his fist in shock, like he couldn’t believe what he’d done. Cynthia’s lip trembled, but she grabbed his arm and led him outside. Heidi slammed the door behind them, locking it. She ran to the kitchen for ice, then ran upstairs to find Connor and Evan.

She found them in the bathroom. Connor was sitting on the closed toilet, head back, pieces of tissue in his nose to slow the bleeding, while Evan used a wet washcloth to clean the blood off his face. They glanced up at Heidi as she came into the bathroom, holding out an ice pack to Connor.

Connor took it, placing it so it covered under his eye and across his nose, wincing. ‘Thanks.”

Heidi nodded, crossing her arms. “They left. You’re safe now.”

“I can’t believe he HIT you,” Evan snapped, fire in his eyes. He gently wiped the last of the blood off Connor’s face, tossing the washcloth in the sink.

“He’s never hit me before...” Connor said quietly, voice shaking. 

“You can stay here for as long as you need,” Heidi said gently, placing a hand on Connor’s shoulder. “If you need anything, I can go to your house and get it. You don’t have to step foot there, okay?”

Connor nodded, eyes filling with tears. 

“Once you boys are cleaned up, why don’t you come downstairs and we can watch a movie?” Heidi suggested, hoping to distract Connor.

Evan glanced at Connor, leaving it up to him. Connor nodded. All he wanted to do was curl up in Evan’s bed with him, but he appreciated everything Heidi had done, so if it made her happy to watch a movie together, he would. 

Heidi smiled. “I’ll get us set up. We can watch whatever you want.”

When she was gone, Connor stood on shaky legs and looked in the mirror. Evan had cleaned all the blood off, but he had a cut across the bridge of his nose from Larry’s ring, and a bruise was already blooming under his right eye and cheek from the force of the blow. He touched his cheek, wincing.

Evan wrapped Connor in a side hug, squeezing tight, kissing his cheek.

Connor took his hand and kissed it. “I’ll meet you downstairs. I want to get changed,” he said, pointing out the blood that had dripped on his shirt. Evan nodded, giving him a kiss, then leaving him and heading downstairs.

When Connor got to Evan’s room, he kicked off his shoes and stripped off his clothes, throwing on pajama pants and a black t-shirt. He hesitated, then took off his bracelets, dropping them on Evan’s desk. He rubbed his wrists, his legs shaking a little bit. He took a breath, then walked downstairs to join Evan and Heidi.

Heidi had made popcorn, even though they’d just finished dinner. She’d also brought them each out a can of soda, and herself another glass of wine. Connor plopped down on the couch next to Evan. 

“Oh, Connor, here,” Heidi said suddenly, holding out her hand to give him something. He held his hand out to her, palm up. She noticed his wrists immediately, but kept her face neutral as she dropped some ibuprofen into his hand. “To stop the swelling.”

Connor took the pain killer and swallowed it with a sip of soda. Heidi smiled. They took a few minutes to pick a movie, then turned it on. Connor pulled his long legs up onto the couch, resting his chin on them. Evan wrapped his arm around Connor, pulling him closer, glancing from his naked wrists to his mom, eyes wide.

It was hard focusing on the movie. Connor was still in shock over the events of the evening. But he tried, for Evan and Heidi’s sake.


	21. Step Into the Sun Chapter 21

“I can’t believe you HIT HIM!” Cynthia cried, slamming the front door and stalking after Larry, as he tried to escape to the living room.

Zoe looked up from where she was laying on the couch, startled. “Who did dad hit?”

“I didn’t mean to, Cynthia!” Larry snapped. “I was just... angry and frustrated and... God, what the hell did I do?” He groaned, regret in his voice.

“Who did you hit??” Zoe demanded, standing up, eyes wide.

“That’s NO EXCUSE FOR HITTING OUR SON,” Cynthia screamed.

“You HIT Connor??” Zoe cried. “What the hell, dad??”

“I don’t need this from you, too, Zoe,” Larry snapped. “I didn’t mean to!”

“But you did! Why??” Zoe demanded.

“I don’t KNOW,” Larry snapped. “He was... He was... He was screaming in my face, I didn’t know how else to react!”

“You APOLOGIZE. You ask him to CALM DOWN. You-You ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG. But you DON’T HIT HIM!” Cynthia was shaking, pacing the room. “Do you realize what you’ve done?”

“I KNOW WHAT I DID, I HIT CONNOR, STOP REMINDING ME!” Larry put his face in his hands, huffing in frustration.

Cynthia stared at him. “No, Larry. What you’ve done is push Connor away. You may have undone EVERYTHING we worked SO HARD to accomplish with him. He won’t trust you – either of us – ever again. I don’t know if we can fix this.”

Zoe couldn’t listen to this anymore. She ran upstairs, slamming her door. She grabbed her duffle bag and threw in clothes, pajamas, everything she needed. Then she ran to Connor’s room, grabbed his duffle bag, and threw some of his stuff in. Finally, she ran to the bathroom and grabbed toiletries for them both.

She grabbed her car keys from her room, then ran downstairs.

“Zoe, where are you GOING?” Cynthia demanded.

“Somewhere that’s not here,” Zoe snapped, glaring at her parents. “I don’t know what you guys fought with Connor about, but I know he probably didn’t deserve it.” She turned to Larry. “And he definitely didn’t deserve to be hit.”

She stalked to the front door, ignoring Cynthia as she screamed her name. She slammed the door shut behind her, threw the duffle bags in her trunk, and quickly drove away.

~*~*~

“I’ll get more popcorn,” Connor offered, grabbing the bowl and making his way to the kitchen.

Evan turned to Heidi, grabbing her arm, eyes wide.

“What?” Heidi asked, startled.

“Do you realize... did you see...?”

“What, Evan?” Heidi shook her head, panic edging into her voice. “What?”

Evan glanced up, making sure Connor wasn’t back yet, then turned back to Heidi. “He isn’t wearing his bracelets.”

“Oh, I did notice that,” Heidi admitted. “I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen him without them.”

Evan nodded frantically. “Mom... That’s like... That’s like his ultimate sign of trust. He’s showing you he trusts you.”

Heidi’s eyes widened. “W-what?”

“He doesn’t like people staring at his scars, that’s why he hides them. But if he trusts you, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t feel like you’re judging him for them, so he doesn’t care.”

Heidi felt tears fill her eyes. “OH! Oh...” She glanced in the direction of the kitchen.

“Don’t say anything to him about it, okay? Just act normal. But... Yeah...”

Heidi nodded, quickly blinking her tears away. Just in time, too, since Connor came back in at that moment with the popcorn. He set the bowl on the table, and sat back beside Evan, putting his head on Evan’s shoulder.

Heidi smiled at them, picking the remote up to start the movie again, when someone knocked on the door. She frowned, glancing at Evan and Connor, who both looked nervously at each other.

Heidi stood. “Stay here.” She walked to the door, looking through the peephole. “Oh...” She opened the door. “Zoe, what are you doing here?”

“I heard what my parents did. I... Can I come in?”

Heidi nodded, stepping aside. Zoe walked cautiously into the living room, dropping the two duffle bags at her feet.

“Oh, Connor...” She gasped, seeing his face. She put a hand over her mouth.

“Zoe...” Connor gasped, quickly standing and pressing his arms to his side. “What...?”

“I heard what dad did. I can’t... I can’t believe he did that...” She ran to him and threw her arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Con.”

He hesitantly hugged her back. She pulled back, wiping tears away.

“I brought some clothes and toiletries for you.” She indicated his bag. “And... Um... I was wondering if-if...” She glanced at Heidi. “If I could stay here for a few nights.”

Heidi nodded. “Of course, I can set the couch up for you.”

“T-thanks,” Zoe said gratefully. She glanced at Evan and Connor, hoping they weren’t mad she was there. 

Evan went to her side and hugged her. Connor nodded, fidgeting.

“I’m gonna... Be right back...” He grabbed his duffle and ran it up to Evan’s room, quickly throwing his bracelets back on, along with his hoodie. When he got back downstairs, everyone was sitting again, Evan and Heidi back in their original spots, and Zoe in the armchair, which they had turned around to face the TV. Connor slipped back into his spot beside Evan, curling into him.

Heidi turned the movie back on and they all settled in to watch in silence. When Connor reached for popcorn, his hoodie pulled up a little bit. It didn’t escape Heidi’s notice that his bracelets were back on. She glanced at Evan, who also noticed, and nodded at her. Heidi’s lip trembled as she settled back to watch the movie, smiling softly to herself.

~*~*~

When the movie was over, Heidi decided to call it a night. She kissed all three of them on the head before heading upstairs.

“Connor, are you okay?” Zoe finally asked, once Heidi had gone upstairs. “What happened?”

Connor shrugged. “I had an awesome day, then mom and dad came and ruined it and dad hit me.”

“But WHY? What happened? What did you guys fight about?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it, Zoe,” Connor sighed. “Please.”

Zoe frowned, but nodded.

“Thank you for, uh, bringing me some clothes and stuff,” he said after a moment.

“Yeah, I figured you wouldn’t wanna go home for awhile, so...”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, that’s not happening.”

They settled back into silence, watching another random movie and going through two more bowls of popcorn and several cans of soda. About halfway through, Evan fell asleep with his head on Connor’s lap. Connor rubbed his back gently, starting to feel sleepy himself.

“Connor.”

Connor glanced up, startled. Zoe was staring at him.

“Mom was really mad at dad for what he did,” she pointed out. “I just... thought you might want to know.”

Connor frowned at her, but finally nodded. He glanced down at Evan, who was drooling a bit. He smiled softly, shaking his head.

Zoe was watching him. It warmed her heart to see how happy Evan made her brother. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had made him smile like that. 

“Maybe you should get him to bed,” Zoe suggested. 

Connor nodded. “Probably a good idea.” He gently nudged Evan’s shoulder. Evan groaned, swatting at the air. Connor chuckled. “Ev, come on, let’s get up to bed.” Evan groaned, but sat up, yawning. He could barely open his eyes, he was so tired. Connor stood, pulling Evan with him. Evan swayed into Connor’s side, so Connor put an arm around him to hold him up.

“G’nite, Zoe,” Evan slurred, waving at her.

Zoe snickered. “G’nite, sleepyhead. Night, Con.”

“Night” he called back, dragging Evan up the stairs to his room.

Connor dumped Evan on his bed.

“Hey,” Evan whined, making Connor chuckle. “Not nice.” He felt a little more awake now, and grinned up at Connor, holding his arms out invitingly.

“Sorry,” Connor shrugged, slinking onto the bed and crawling on top of Evan. “You just looked so tired, I had to get you into bed as soon as possible.”

Evan made a face. “I looked tired so you had to get me in bed? Or do you have... other reasons... for wanting me in bed?” 

Connor shrugged, straddling Evan’s lap and leaning in for a kiss. “Maybe I have more than one reason,” he murmured.

Evan tried to deepen the kiss, putting a hand on Connor’s cheek.

“Ow,’ Connor grunted, pulling back.

“Oops, sorry,” Evan winced, gently stroking Connor’s face where he was black and blue from the punch.

“S’okay,” Connor shrugged, moving off Evan and laying alongside him.

“Hey, get back up there,” Evan pouted.

“Your mom is down the hall, and my sister is downstairs,” Connor reminded him.

“So? We can be quiet...”

Connor’s eyes widened, then he broke into a grin, climbing back on top of Evan. “Challenge accepted.”


	22. Step Into the Sun Chapter 22

When Connor woke up the next morning, the events of the previous night hit him like a ton of bricks. He glanced at Evan, who was still asleep. He eased out of bed, threw clothes on, and quietly made his way to the bathroom. 

He was afraid to look, but he forced himself to. His eyes widened in shock. The cut across the bridge of his nose from Larry’s ring was crusted over with a scab and surrounded by a bruise. The bruise that had started to form on his check and under his eye the night before was every color under the sun now, and touching it even a little made him wince. He was pretty sure his face was swollen, too. He shook his head, sighing. He fluffed his hair so it partially covered his face.

He tiptoed downstairs, glancing in Zoe’s direction. She was still curled up on the couch. He frowned, feeling guilty that she was always caught in the middle of his fights with their parents. 

In the kitchen, he tried to prepare breakfast as quietly as possible. It was his fault that things had been so horrible the night before. He didn’t want to add to anyone’s stress and wake them before they were ready. 

When the bacon was almost done, he started on the pancakes.

“Whoa, Connor.”

Connor looked up, startled. He hadn’t heard Zoe come in amid the noise of pots and pans and sizzling bacon.

“I didn’t know you cooked...” Zoe said, staring in awe.

“Oh,” Connor blushed. “Yeah... kind of...”

“Wow... Do you- Do you do this often?”

Connor shrugged, turning back to the stove and scratching an invisible itch on his head so he could push his hair down over his bruised eye.

“It’s not big deal, just trying to thank Heidi and Evan for everything, y’know?”

Zoe frowned, putting a hand on his arm and making him turn to face her. She gasped. His black eye was bad, as was the cut across the bridge of his nose, which was also bruising.

“Oh, Con...” Zoe leaned in and hugged him tight. He tried to pull away at first, but then sunk into it. After a minute, he broke away and went back to cooking.

“I still can’t believe-“

“Please, Zo,” Connor begged. “Please, I REALLY don’t want to talk about it.”

Zoe frowned, but nodded. She watched him cook in silence for a few minutes. “I still can’t believe you can cook...”

Connor rolled his eyes, plating the pancakes and taking them to the table. He carefully took the bacon out of the oven and plated it just as Evan came in to the kitchen, yawning. 

“Morning,” he grinned, walking up to Connor and throwing his arms around his neck, pulling him close for a kiss. Zoe turned away, pretending to be busy arranging things on the table so she could give them some semblance of privacy.

“I thought something smelled good.”

Everyone turned to Heidi, who smiled at them, tying her bathrobe closed.

Connor tried to smile back, but his face hurt too much. He winced, turning away to get orange juice and cups. He brought everything to the table, then sat beside Evan. Zoe sat across from them, and Heidi sat beside her.

They ate in comfortable silence for several minutes. For Connor, this was nothing new. He loved meals with Evan and Heidi - it was so peaceful.

For Zoe, though, this was a shock. Whenever the Murphy’s ate meals together, there was always some kind of drama. It used to be Larry nitpicking at everything Connor had done wrong. The last few months had been all about obsessing over him following the rules and going to therapy and all that. Just listening to it had been exhausting for Zoe, so she couldn’t imagine how Connor had felt.

She glanced up at him from under her eyelashes, hoping he wouldn’t notice. Evan was leaning into him, whispering something in his ear and making him smile. It made her heart melt. She couldn’t help the small smile she threw their way, before quickly looking back at her food so they wouldn’t notice her staring.

“I’ll be right back,” Evan said, hoping up and heading upstairs.

Connor watched him go, waiting until they couldn’t hear his footfalls any more before turning to Zoe.

“Zoe, um...” Connor paused, fidgeting and staring at his plate. “Never mind...”

“What?”

Connor shook his head, avoiding eye contact. “Forget it, it’s stupid.”

“Tell me,” she insisted.

Connor glanced up at her, then Heidi, then back at his plate. “I, um... I start summer school on Monday.”

“Really?” Zoe asked, shocked. “Wow, that’s... I didn’t know you were trying that. I thought you had to repeat your whole year?”

Connor shrugged, shaking his hair into his face to hide. “My therapist pulled some strings so I wouldn’t have to. He, um, also got me a meeting at the community college with an admissions guy and if I... Well, I’m enrolled in classes for the fall, if I finish summer school with no problems.”

“Con, that’s amazing! Congratulations!” Zoe couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Every college talk with their parents had ended in Connor screaming that he wasn’t going, then getting high in his room to piss Larry and Cynthia off further. She could only assume this attitude 180 had something to do with Evan, but she kept the thought to herself.

“Yeah... Well, I, um...” He cleared his throat. He didn’t know why this was so difficult... He finally looked up at her. “I wanted, um, Well, I start summer school Monday, so I only have today and tomorrow with Evan before I’ll be gone in class all day and, well, I was wondering if-if... can I borrow your car? To-to take him on a date?”

Zoe hesitated. He’d crashed the last car he had into a tree... But, he had become much more responsible lately. And he still had his license and was actually a good driver otherwise...

“Of course!” She finally said, smiling. “It’s got a full tank and I don’t have any plans...” She glanced up at Heidi. “As long as you don’t mind me crashing on your couch all day?”

“I don’t mind at all,” Heidi said, waving her off. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you need.” She looked to Connor. “Both of you.”

Connor nodded, grateful. 

Evan came back into the kitchen at that point. He smiled at everyone. “What did I miss?” he asked as he sat, taking Connor’s hand under the table.

“We’ve got plans for later,” Connor said with a grin, wincing a little from the movement. 

“Ooohh, what kind of plans?” 

“You’ll see,” Connor teased, finishing off the food on his plate. “I’m gonna go shower and get dressed.” He put his plate in the sink and headed upstairs.

“I’m... gonna see if he needs help finding the towels,” Evan said quickly, stuffing the rest of his food in his mouth, tossing his plate in the sink, and hurrying after him.

“He knows where the towels are,” Heidi said. She rolled her eyes, but she had a small smile on her face.

Zoe’s eyes widened. “How are you so calm about... that?” Everything Heidi did was the complete opposite of what her parents were like, and she still couldn’t get over the shock of it.

Heidi shrugged. “They love each other, and they’ve been good for each other. Besides, I found their condoms, so at least they’re being safe.”

Zoe wrinkled her nose. “Didn’t need that much detail...”

Heidi snickered. “I don’t know, I just... I probably SHOULD care that my teenage son is having sex. Normal parents would care, right? But... I guess I knew it would happen eventually, and at least it’s with someone he genuinely loves and cares for.”

“You are... the complete opposite of my parents,” Zoe said after a minute, giving voice to her thoughts from earlier. “You... You give Connor the benefit of the doubt, and you don’t treat him like a screw-up. I see the way he looks at you... He respects you.”

Heidi blinked back tears. She didn’t want to get emotional, but it meant the world to hear Zoe say these things. 

“I know it’s hard to see it right now,” Heidi finally said. “But I’m sure your parents DO love you both. They just...”

“Have a weird way of showing it?” Zoe asked, rolling her eyes.

“It sounds like you guys have had a rough few years...” Heidi paused. “Look, I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses for them. There’s no defense for how they’ve treated Connor or you. But I don’t think you guys should write them off entirely. It seems like they’ve come a long way, up to this point. Everyone has setbacks. Maybe this is a setback for them, and they’ll come to realize they were wrong and apologize. You don’t HAVE to forgive them, but you’re both owed apologies.”

Zoe nodded, playing with the rest of the food on her plate. Heidi reached out and took her hand, smiling encouragingly at her. After a moment’s hesitation, Zoe smiled back.


	23. Step Into the Sun Chapter 23

Connor pushed Evan against the shower wall, kissing him long and hard. He trailed kisses down his neck, nibbling under his ear. Evan moaned, wrapping his hands around Connor and running his nails down his back. Connor trailed more kisses down Evan’s chest and stomach, going lower and lower. When he reached his destination, Evan gasped, eyes rolling closed.

~*~*~

When they stepped out of the shower, Connor grabbed a towel, then threw one to Evan, who caught it and grinned at him. Connor smirked back, stepping before the mirror to dry his hair and brush it out. Every time he looked in the mirror, though, he was reminded of the other night. He lightly touched his face, wincing. He still couldn’t believe Larry had hit him...

“You okay?” Evan asked, coming up beside him.

Connor shrugged. “Hard to forget my father thinks I’m a giant fuck up when I see this bruise every time I look in the mirror...”

Evan tugged Connor’s arm, forcing him to look away from the mirror. He reached up and kissed him, then wrapped his arms around him, Connor sighed, sinking into the safety and love of Evan’s hug.

They pulled apart after a few minutes to finish drying off, before making their way to Evan’s room to dress.

“So, what plans do we have?” Evan asked again, pulling jeans and a shirt on. He stared eagerly at Connor as he tied his shoes.

Connor smirked, zipping his jeans and throwing a shirt on. He fluffed out his wet hair, then threw his combat boots on. 

“You’re really not gonna tell me?” Evan huffed, pouting.

“Nope,” Connor replied, shrugging. He finished dressing and crossed to the door, turning back to point a finger at Evan. “Stay.”

He disappeared out the door. Evan’s mouth dropped open and he almost followed, but then he sat on his bed, staring at the door, frowning. Connor was gone a long time, almost fifteen minutes. When he came back upstairs, he was grinning.

“Okay, let’s go.” 

“Go WHERE?” Evan demanded, following Connor out of his bedroom and downstairs, where Heidi and Zoe were sitting on the couch. Zoe stood, handing Connor her car keys. She smiled at them, then sat back down.

Evan blinked, looking from one person to the next. “Does everyone know what this is about besides me?”

“Yes,” all three said at the same time.

Evan’s mouth dropped open again. He looked from Connor to his mom to Zoe, then back to Connor.

“No curfew, since this is a special occasion,” Heidi told them. “But please check in once in awhile!”

Connor nodded, grabbing Evan’s hand and dragging him to the front door.

“Don’t crash my car!” Zoe called teasingly, just as the door slammed shut. 

Connor walked Evan to the passenger side of Zoe’s car, opening the door for him. Evan stared at Connor in confusion, but got in. Connor jogged to the other side of the car and got in.

“Buckle up. Oh, and here,” he said, handing a large piece of cloth to him.

“What’s this for?” Evan spluttered.

“Blindfold.” Connor grinned at the look Evan gave him. “You can put it on yourself or I can do it.”

Evan scowled, but tied it on. Connor waved his hand in front of Evan to make sure he really couldn’t see anything, then backed out of the driveway.

“I can’t believe you have me blindfolded,” Evan grumbled after a few minutes of silence. 

Connor snickered. “Scared?”

“No!” Evan insisted. He frowned. “Okay, maybe a little worried... But not scared. I’m with you, I’m safe.”

Connor swallowed, smiling softly at the boy beside him. It still got to him every time Evan said something like that. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to the fact that someone loved him as much as Evan did. He shifted so he was steering with his left hand, and holding Evan’s hand in his right.

Evan couldn’t tell how long they’d been driving for, but the car came to a sudden stop and he could hear Connor cut the engine. He started to remove the blindfold, but Connor stopped him.

“Not yet. Stay.” 

Evan frowned. The door opened and closed, then he heard some rustling and the slam of the trunk. His door was pulled open. He felt Connor lean across him to undo his seatbelt, Connor’s hair tickling against his face. Connor took his hand and helped him stand, pulling him out of the way of the door and slamming it shut. Evan heard the chime of the locks, then Connor’s hand was in his again and they were walking.

“I can’t see where I’m going,” Evan complained, feeling unsteady.

“I’ve got you,” Connor assured him, guiding him along the safest path to where they were going. Finally, they stopped. “Sit,” Connor instructed, holding Evan’s hand until he was safely sitting. “Don’t move.”

Evan huffed. He heard some more rustling, then heard Connor thump to the ground somewhere near him.

“Okay, you can take it off.”

Evan snickered. “Take off what, exactly?”

“Don’t be dirty – yet. Just take the blindfold off,” Connor chuckled.

Evan took it off and gasped. They were at the orchard, at their tree. Connor had a blanket laid out before them, and what looked like a picnic basket. The look he gave Connor made Connor blush.

“Connor,” Evan grinned, looking up at his boyfriend. “What’s all this for?”

Connor shrugged, sitting cross-legged on the other side of the blanket. “I start summer school on Monday, so we won’t have as much time together. I just wanted to do something nice for you, to thank you for everything you’ve done for me since we met. And we haven’t been here in a long time, so...”

Evan crawled around the blanket, eyes locked on Connor’s. Connor gave him a puzzled look, then his eyes widened when Evan pounced, landing on Connor’s lap and forcing him onto his back. 

Connor chuckled. “I take it you like it?”

Evan nodded, leaning down to kiss Connor. Connor wrapped his arms around Evan, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. They didn’t stop until they both needed to break apart to gasp for air. Connor changed positions so he was sitting up, his hands planted behind him for balance. His movement shifted Evan around. He shimmied in Connor’s lap to get comfortable again, causing friction in all the right places. Connor ‘s breath caught in his throat. Evan grinned.

“Tease,” Connor groaned, resting one hand on Evan’s leg.

Evan ran his fingers through Connor’s hair, then trailed them ever so lightly down Connor’s bruised cheek. 

“I love you, Connor Murphy.”

“I love you, too, Evan Hansen,” Connor replied, planting another kiss on Evan’s lips.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Evan murmured. Connor started to protest, so Evan put a hand over his mouth to stop him. “You are, don’t argue with me.”

Connor frowned, flicking his tongue out. Evan made a face and pulled his hand back. Connor grinned, ignoring the ache in his face. He wasn’t going to let anything ruin this moment, especially something that had been inflicted on him by his father.

When his arms started to hurt, Connor shifted positions, moving to lie on his back again, Evan on top of him still. 

“So.. I don’t really have anything planned,” Connor admitted, looking up at Evan. “I just figured it would be fun to be here and have time alone. And I brought food,” he said, pointing at the picnic basket. “But otherwise, it’s just... this. Probably a pretty boring date, huh?”

“Pretty perfect date, if you ask me,” Evan shrugged. “Being here with you is all I need.”

Connor smiled softly, wrapping an arm around Evan and rubbing circles into his back. Evan made an appreciative noise, and Connor couldn’t help but snicker at him. 

“Did.. did you just PURR?” Connor asked. 

Evan blushed. “I think I did,” he admitted, sending them both into a giggle fit.

Evan shifted so he was lying beside Connor, his head on Connor’s chest, tangling their legs together.

“Remember the first time we hung out?” Connor asked suddenly.

“Yeah, you convinced me to skip school,” Evan snickered.

Connor rolled his eyes. “I was such a bad influence.”

“I mean, I could have said no. You didn’t force me,” Evan reminded him.

“True.” Connor fell silent, running his fingers up and down Evan’s arm. “I’m glad you didn’t say no.”

“Me too,” Evan murmured, nuzzling into Connor’s neck, nibbling at the skin there.

Connor let out a small whimper, making Evan chuckle. He didn’t think he’d ever get over the fact that he knew exactly what to do to turn Connor Murphy into a puddle of mush.

“We’ve come a long way from that first time hanging out,” Evan said after awhile.

“Yeah, you went from crushing on my sister to me,” Connor grinned, making Evan blush. 

“Can you not remind me about that?” Evan whined. “Wait, you never told Zoe I had a crush on her back then, right?” That would be SO awkward... And it wasn’t even a real crush, when you think about it...”

“No, I never told her,” Connor assured him. He felt Evan relax against him. “There’s always time for that later,” he added teasingly.

“You wouldn’t,” Evan groaned.

Connor grinned mischievously at him, shrugging.

“Mean,” Evan pouted. 

Connor snickered, closing his eyes and basking in the warmth of the July sun and the feel of Evan beside him. 

“Remember how scared I used to be at the idea of being the first one to make a move?” Evan said after a few minutes, laughing at himself. “And now I can do this without flinching,” he added, snaking his hand down Connor’s stomach, then lower, slipping his hand under Connor’s jeans and going lower still.

Connor jumped, eyes wide, staring at Evan with his mouth open. “You really are a tease today,” he managed to say in between whimpers.

Evan grinned, running his hand back up to Connor’s stomach and leaving it there, shrugging innocently. “If you’d told me a year ago I’d be doing that in public, where anyone could see, I’d...” He shook his head, picking anxiously at his cuticles.

Connor sat up, capturing his hands to stop him, but he was already bleeding in a couple spots. “Then you’d have been anxious about it for a year,” Connor finished for him, partly teasing and partly serious. 

“Yeah, well, guess I’m not as bold as I thought,” Evan shrugged, shaking the thought away and forcing a smile.

“’Forget about it, not being into voyeurism isn’t a bad thing,” Connor chuckled. But it did make him fantasize about that car he desperately wanted, and the wonderful invention that was tinted windows... 

“What are you thinking about?” Evan questioned. The look on Connor’s face was almost comical he appeared deep in thought.

Connor cleared his throat, shaking his head. “Nothing, can we change the subject?”

“You’re blushing,” Evan pointed out, smirking at him. “What could possibly be making YOU blush?”

“You don’t want to know,” Connor growled softly, a mischievous glint in his eyes. It was his turn to pin Evan to the ground. “So I guess this date is basically just gonna be us taking turns pouncing on each other?”

Evan grinned up at him. “Works for me.” He tried to flip them, so he’d be on top, but Connor wrestled him back down, pinning Evan’s hips between his knees and his arms above his head. He leaned down, kissing Evan hard on the lips before moving to his neck.

“Your turn to get a hickey,” Connor murmured into his neck, nipping and biting.

“I don’t have long hair to hide it, though!” Evan cried, panicked.

“Hm? So?” Connor shrugged, continuing to work the skin below his ear. Evan protested again, but couldn’t help the small moans that escaped him. 

“C-Connor,” Evan whimpered. Connor finally backed off, smirking at his anxious boyfriend. Suddenly, Evan’s stomach growled. Evan blushed, embarrassed. “S-sorry.”

Connor rolled his eyes, pulling Evan up into a sitting position. “Apologizing for being hungry. Typical Evan Hansen.” He pulled the picnic basket closer, and they settled in for lunch. Connor had packed sandwiches, chips, soda, and some cookies for dessert.

They ate in silence for a while, content and happy.

“You know,” Connor finally said, swallowing the last bite of his sandwich. “That first day we spoke? It wasn’t the first time I’d noticed you.”

Evan blinked up at him in surprise. “Oh?” he asked, popping a chip in his mouth so he wouldn’t have to say anything more than that.

Connor nodded, tucking his hair behind his ear. “I’ve had a crush on you since middle school.”

“What??” Evan gasped, eyes wide. “That’s... Wow.”

Connor grinned. “Is it that surprising?” 

“Well... Yeah,” Evan admitted softly. “I mean.. I’m.. Me,” he said with a shrug. “And I thought you didn’t realize you liked guys until junior year, at boarding school with...?”

Connor shrugged. “I mean, I sort of knew before that. I just couldn’t admit it to myself.” He took a sip of soda, staring off into the distance for a few seconds before turning back to Evan. “But yeah, it took awhile before I really understood what I was feeling. And then I was away at boarding school and couldn’t act on it. Plus, I didn’t even know if you’d feel the same way, anyway. So... I moved on to Miguel.” He made a face. “And then I came back for senior year and.. I dunno, so much had changed. For me, I mean. I thought I was too far gone for anyone to love.”

He shook his head, drinking more soda so he would have a moment to collect his thoughts. “And then we got off to that shit start, and I was positive I’d ruined it. And positive you didn’t feel the same, since you wrote about Zoe in your note.”

Evan was stunned. He’d never known... He took Connor’s hand. “Well, now I’m REALLY glad I ran after you that day.”

Connor grinned at him. “Yeah, me too.”


	24. Step Into the Sun Chapter 24

They stayed at the orchard for hours, just talking and relaxing. Finally, they started packing everything up. 

“Hey, wanna go get ice cream from that place down the road, A la Mode?” Connor asked suddenly. “I haven’t been there in ages.”

“Sure,” Evan agreed eagerly. “Anything to extend this perfect afternoon.”

Connor smiled happily, giving Evan a quick kiss before helping him gather everything up and taking it to Zoe’s car. They got in and made the short drive to A la Mode. 

Connor ordered two scoops of cookie dough, and Evan ordered two scoops of chocolate. They each got more toppings than they really needed, and took a seat at one of the picnic benches. 

“This is so good,” Evan groaned, savoring his ice cream. He held his spoon out for Connor to try some. 

Connor leaned forward, snagging the bite of ice cream Evan offered him. He made an exaggerated moan, nodding. “Soooo good.”

The parents at the table next to them glared at him, quickly standing and ushering their kids away.

Connor rolled his eyes, snickering. “Wow, okay.” He offered Evan a bite of his ice cream next, and Evan mimicked his exaggerated noise of delight, which made them both crack up.

Connor’s brain chose that moment to ruin things. For whatever reason, that father glaring at him made him think of Larry and their fight. He touched his face, wincing, then started shoving his spoon around in his ice cream. 

Evan frowned. “Connor..?”

“Hm?” Connor startled, looking up at Evan with wide eyes.

“Talk to me,” Evan insisted, reaching out and taking his hand. 

Connor shrugged, eating a few more bites of ice cream to avoid speaking. Evan didn’t push, just waited until Connor was ready to talk.

“I just... I guess...” Connor sighed. “I’m not saying anything justifies Larry hitting me, but... But I guess I DIDN’T handle any of this really well, either...”

Evan frowned. 

“I DID get defensive right away,” he admitted. “I didn’t even try to sit and have a conversation with them, as awkward as it might have been. I just immediately tried to bolt, and maybe this whole mess could have been avoided if I’d just... stopped and talked to them. Maybe if I’d just sat down instead of trying to run from the conversation...” He shrugged. “I dunno...”

Evan pursed his lips. “Do you want me to be Supportive Boyfriend or do you want me to be honest?”

Connor choked out a laugh. “You can’t be both?”

Evan sighed, shifting in his seat. “There is absolutely NOTHING that justifies your dad getting so angry, he hit you. But, I mean, you DO have a temper sometimes, too. And NONE of you Murphy’s are good at communicating. Like, at all. So... Yeah. I’m not saying you’re in the wrong – I mean, they DID kind of corner you and they DID snoop in your room. But...” He lost his nerve, shrugging and looking away, hyperventilating a little bit. Oh, god, Connor was going to hate him... He was going to get mad and walk away and never speak to him again...

“You’re right.”

Evan’s eyes widened. He looked up at Connor, surprised. 

“I just... don’t know how to fix this now,” Connor admitted, feeling helpless. He blinked back tears, shrugging. “I don’t know how we can repair the damage after something like this...”

“I think you can,” Evan replied firmly. “I think... it’s like the setbacks you’ve had in your recovery. You had setbacks, but you didn’t let it destroy ALL the progress you’ve made. You still pushed forward and moved on from it. I think you and your parents can do that, too, if you talk to them. Like, actually talk. Not scream.”

Connor frowned down at his half melted ice cream, nodding.

“I can be there with you, if you want. So can my mom.”

Connor desperately wanted that. But a part of him knew he had to do this on his own. Bringing in the cavalry would only make everyone feel more defensive.

“I think I need to do this on my own,” Connor said out loud. “I just... I think I’ll do it tomorrow. I can’t face them today, not yet. I don’t want to ruin this perfect day with you.”

Evan nodded, squeezing Connor’s hand. “Wanna finish up and head home?”

“More like finish up, get coffee because caffeine, then head home,” Connor replied.

“Coffee after ice cream? Between the sugar and the caffeine, you’re gonna be a jittery mess,” Evan said with a snort of laughter. 

Connor rolled his eyes. They finished their ice cream, then got back in the car and made the drive to the coffee shop. It was about four o’clock now. Evan texted his mom to check in, while Connor ran in for their drinks. Connor was back before Evan had time to miss him. He handed Evan his hot chocolate, then sipped his iced coffee, holding the cup in one hand and steering the car with the other.

They didn’t talk for the rest of the drive. Evan knew Connor needed to process his thoughts. He turned the radio on to fill the silence. 

When Connor pulled into Evan’s driveway, he hesitated. Evan was halfway out of the car before he realized Connor hadn’t moved.

“What’s up?” 

Connor was chewing nervously on his straw. He’d made a decision on the drive, but now he was struggling to actually follow through. 

“Connor..?”

“I... I think I’m gonna go over there now,” he finally said, glancing at Evan. “They’ll both be home and... and that way, if things DON’T go well, I have tomorrow to calm down and refocus.”

Evan frowned. He didn’t like Connor going off to do this alone. But he knew Connor had to do it. He nodded, leaning back into the car and giving him a kiss. 

“Just... I’m here, okay? I’m hoping it goes well. But if it doesn’t... Don’t disappear on me, okay? I can’t handle that again...”

Connor nodded. “I promise.”

Evan closed the car door, taking a step back. Connor looked at him one more time before backing out of the driveway and heading to his house.

~*~*~

Connor sat in his driveway for a long time. Both his parents’ cars were there, and he could see the living room light on through the curtain. His heart was pounding, and he wasn’t sure if it was the sugar/caffeine rush or the fear of what would happen when he walked into the house.

He closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths, before finally getting out of the car. His legs were shaking on the walk from the car to the front door. He steeled his nerves, fiddling with his house key, before finally unlocking the door and stepping inside. He closed the door softly behind him, but left it unlocked, just in case he needed to make a quick getaway. 

He followed the sounds of the TV into the living room and paused in the doorway, not making a sound, just staring at his parents. It took a minute, but Cynthia finally noticed him standing there.

“Oh! Connor!” She cried, standing to run to him, but then stopping short. His eyes had widened and he looked ready to flee. She forced herself to remain by the couch. Larry stayed sitting, but was staring at Connor with an unreadable expression on his face.

Connor fidgeted uncomfortably. For a second, he seriously considered turning and running back to Evan. But he forced himself to move further into the living room instead. When the light washed over him, Cynthia gasped; it was the first time she was seeing his bruised face. Connor glanced at Larry, who had the decency to look ashamed. 

“I, uh..” Connor cleared his throat. “I wanna... Wanna try that, um, that adult conversation thing...” He picked nervously at his nail polish. “But I... Um... I don’t know how good I’ll be at it, so...”

Cynthia sank back onto the couch beside Larry, gesturing for him to sit across from them. He hesitated, but finally moved closer and sat, looking down at his hands so his hair curtained his face and covered the bruises. Nobody spoke. Nobody knew what to say or how to start. They all kept glancing up at each other, but looking away when they made eye contact.

This was going to be a long night...

~*~*~

“Evan, you need to sit sown, you’re making me dizzy.”

Evan glared at his mom, who was seated on the couch beside Zoe. He went back to pacing, biting at his nails and cuticles.

“I can’t,” he snapped, shaking his head. “I’m too worried.”

“But worrying won’t change anything,” Heidi insisted. “All you’re doing is exhausting yourself and making your fingers bleed.”

Evan paused, looking at his bloody hands. It said a lot about his state of mind that he hadn’t even tasted blood. He scowled, knowing his mom was right. He slumped into the armchair, staring at the front door, willing it to open, for Connor to come home.

“I just wish he’d let me go with him. Or had them come here, with all of us here to protect him,” Evan mumbled, staring at the floor.

“You know how Connor is,” Zoe shrugged. “He had to do this on his own. He’ll be okay. We just have to trust him.”

“It’s not him I don’t trust,” Evan scowled.

“Evan,” Zoe said firmly. When he looked up at her, she patted the couch cushion beside her. Reluctantly, he got up and sat beside her. She wrapped him in a hug. “He’ll be okay.”

Evan felt tears in his eyes. He sank gratefully into Zoe’s hug and nodded.

~*~*~

The longer they sat there in silence, the more agitated Connor became. Someone had to be the first to speak.

“You were right,” he finally said, startling both Larry and Cynthia into looking up at him. “I’m not... I’m not good at having these kinds of conversations. I’m working on it though... I’m trying.” He paused staring at the floor. “It’s just... When I... When I saw you guys sitting there that night, I just... I had flashbacks to before. I figured... Well, I didn’t think you’d listen to me anyway. So I figured, why bother? Why try to defend myself or talk about it, if you weren’t going to listen anyway?”

“That’s our fault, Connor,” Cynthia said gently. “We should have given you the benefit of the doubt. Something you said that night... You said you hadn’t done anything to break our trust. And you’re right, you hadn’t. We shouldn’t have searched your room.”

Connor shrugged. “I mean, I did stop taking my medicine... I guess that was breaking your trust.” Damn, it stung to admit that.

“No,” Cynthia said firmly. “That was a setback. That... You didn’t break our trust or lose our trust for that. That was... it happened and it’s over and you’ve moved on and you’re doing well now.”

Connor shifted uncomfortably. He wasn’t used to his parents praising him or complimenting him.

“I... Instead of searching your room, I should have just... talked to you about what I walked in on,” Cynthia admitted. “I started this whole mess by overreacting to that. You’re right, what you said that night. You’re eighteen and you and Evan love each other. You aren’t doing anything wrong. It just was... I didn’t think you two had moved on to that stage of your relationship and it... startled me. You’re my first-born. This is uncharted territory for me.”

“I mean, you’ve caught us sleeping in the same bed before. You’ve seen us kiss. You even let us have sleepovers and alone time,” Connor reminded her, trying to keep his tone neutral, to not get defensive. He took a deep breath, then let it out. “That stuff didn’t bother you, but this did?”

“It’s one thing to see you showing affection towards each other, and another thing to know you’ve taken THAT step.”

“And despite what you seem to think,” Larry said, finally speaking up. “It has NOTHING to do with you being bisexual.”

Connor was so shocked his father had used the right word for his sexuality, he couldn’t help but look up at him, eyes wide.

“I listen,” Larry said, shrugging. “I heard what you said, what you were trying to tell me. When you... When you first came out to me, I told you I wouldn’t always be perfect and I’d probably make mistakes. And I did. And I’m... I’m sorry.”

Connor didn’t know what to say. He still wasn’t sure if he could forgive Larry for hitting him, but hearing him apologize helped.

“I just need you to believe me when I say that I don’t care who you love. You’re my son,” Larry started to choke up, tears in his eyes. Connor couldn’t remember ever seeing his father cry. 

“We also need you to know that we were more upset about finding that razor blade than anything,” Cynthia said firmly. “I think... I just think we were so scared when we found it, it heightened our emotional response to finding the condoms, too. It was... It was a lot all at once,” Cynthia said, shaking her head. “Not that it’s an excuse. It just... I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m so sorry.”

“But I TOLD you I wasn’t using it,” Connor said, his voice frantic. He quickly unclasped all his bracelets, holding his arms out to them. “See? Not using it. I’ll do a full-body cut check if I have to to prove it.”

“We believe you, Connor,” Larry said, holding his hand out to calm him. “We just don’t understand why you needed it on you, then.”

Connor couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. He dropped his head into his hands, shaking. Cynthia wanted to run to him, to wrap him in her arms, but she knew she couldn’t. Not yet. 

“I can’t explain it,” Connor finally said, refusing to look up at them. “I just... It’s like... I know it’s there if I need it. But I don’t want to need it. But it feels... comforting... to know I have it. I... That probably doesn’t make any sense, but.. it’s the truth.”

“I don’t really like it or understand it,” Cynthia admitted. “But... I believe you and I trust you.”

“That’s basically what Evan said, too,” Connor said, swiping the tears from under his eyes. 

“You know, Evan is a really wonderful young man,” Cynthia remarked. “I was a little bit shocked when he wouldn’t let us see you the other night, but... The more I think about it, the more it shows just how much he loves you, how protective of you he is.”

Connor couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head. “He almost had a panic attack after that. I don’t think he could believe he’d stood up to you, either.”

Cynthia looked alarmed. “I... We didn’t mean to set off his panic attacks.”

Connor waved her off. “It’s not that hard to set off his panic attacks, it’s fine.”

They were silent for a minute, the only sound Connor’s sniffles.

“I... Connor, I don’t... Nothing I say can excuse or defend the fact that I hit you. And I understand if you-if you can’t forgive me,” Larry finally said. 

Connor looked up at him. “In your defense, I was in your face, calling you a shitty father.”

“Still,” Larry said, shaking his head. “That’s... There are a million different ways I could have handled that. It’s just... When you said life would have been easier for me if your... if your suicide attempt had stuck, I just... God, I just LOST it.”

Connor fidgeted uncomfortably. He’d forgotten he had even said that... 

“I mean, I guess now I know where I got my anger issues from,” Connor finally said, trying to lighten the mood with a joke, though his chest felt tight. This was the hardest thing to forgive, and he didn’t know how they’d move on from it.

The joke broke some of the tension, though, and they all laughed a little bit.

“Oh, Connor,” Cynthia sighed. “We just... We’re sorry. We’re so, so sorry. We just want to make this up to you. Especially with how proud we are that you’re starting summer school Monday, and college classes in the fall. We just... We just love you so much, sweetie. We’re so, so sorry.”

Connor nodded. “I-I’m sorry, too,” he admitted. 

Finally, unable to hold off any longer, Cynthia went to his side and pulled him up into a hug, rubbing his back and running her hands through his hair. When she let go and stepped back, Larry was right there to take a turn. It was the longest embrace he’d ever gotten from his father. When they finally pulled apart, Connor collapsed back onto the couch, his legs unable to hold him any longer. He quickly put his bracelets back on. All the talk of cutting had made him antsy, and he didn’t want to see his scars any longer.

“You know, we didn’t forget what you asked us... Before all this happened,” Larry said after a few minutes.

Connor looked up at him, puzzled. 

“We’ll help you buy that car you want,” Larry said with a smile. “It’ll make getting to class this summer AND this fall a lot easier.”

Connor’s eyes widened in disbelief, then he smiled at them, feeling grateful and loved.

~*~*~

It was hours later when the front door finally opened, and Connor stepped into the Hansen’s living room. Everyone had stayed awake, waiting for him. Heidi and Zoe stared at him with expectant looks on their faces. Evan trembled as he stood, stepping towards Connor, a question in his eyes.

Connor closed the distance between them, pulling Evan close and smiling. Evan’s eyes widened in shock and hope. Connor nodded. Evan broke into a grin, throwing his arms around Connor’s neck and kissing him, putting every ounce of love into it as he could.

It worked. Connor had never felt happier or more loved than he did in that moment, safe in Evan’s arms.


End file.
